[The Flagrance of Doubt.]
My mind says I must hold the lines, but panic has set in. It is not a foe with which I am unfamiliar, but it is one for which I know not which weapons to use. It's an enemy that approaches slowly, with undeniable power, and even if it is but on the horizon the earth cracks with its every pounding step. My core wants to tremble in its wake. "You've defied your pillar. You've cast away your armies. Your old shield is dust and your sword is little more than a dagger trembling in defiance. Where is your strength now? Your wisdom has no holds over me."
It doesn't matter. It doesn't matter if I lost everything, if I fall away and find my developing kingdoms are little more than rubble again. I have something a sword and shield cannot defend, and therefore you cannot destroy. My pillar was crutch, my armies were distractions, my shield was feeble and false, and if my blade is too small and trembles too greatly, it is a blade I never had before and it was forged from pain and confusion into strength and determination. It doesn't matter if I crumble or fall. For the first time in my life, I know that if I crumble and fall right here and right now, I will have fallen on the makings of greatness, and not by the makings of fear.
I want to cry and I want to scream... I want to fight and I want to win. God help me, these next two weeks are going to be the hardest two weeks of my life. I don't feel ready... but I don't get the luxury of choosing when I'm ready, or else I would never fight. The forces that be decided I am ready, and damn it all if I don't prove to them that I am.
It doesn't matter. It doesn't matter if I lost everything, if I fall away and find my developing kingdoms are little more than rubble again. I have something a sword and shield cannot defend, and therefore you cannot destroy. My pillar was crutch, my armies were distractions, my shield was feeble and false, and if my blade is too small and trembles too greatly, it is a blade I never had before and it was forged from pain and confusion into strength and determination. It doesn't matter if I crumble or fall. For the first time in my life, I know that if I crumble and fall right here and right now, I will have fallen on the makings of greatness, and not by the makings of fear.
I want to cry and I want to scream... I want to fight and I want to win. God help me, these next two weeks are going to be the hardest two weeks of my life. I don't feel ready... but I don't get the luxury of choosing when I'm ready, or else I would never fight. The forces that be decided I am ready, and damn it all if I don't prove to them that I am.