sick
ick, stayed home for the second day in a row today, i feel so icky. that stupid dangly thing in the back of my throat a "ugala" or some other odd name is like swollen, and im gonan like choke on myself, plus i feel achy all over and everything on me hurts. im missing school, which isnt good with this new attendance policy i can only miss 6days and i know in atleast 1 class ive already missed 3. so i get to sit here taking medicine and thinking. lately when im around like most of my little group of intimate friends, i dont know why but i just feel so....inexperienced, i feel like they are so much ahead of me physically and mentally , and yet im the oldest of the whole group. i dont know how to explain it. i dont know im just dipping into my reserve of self pity lol. i have a problem, see , i want to feel wanted, but i dont just want to feel wanted because some guy knows he can get some if he tries hard enough. but i dont know how else that works. *sigh* see this is why there are lesbians out there. plus george is talking to me again all the time....and it was so hard, so hard to keep cool. he was trying to be intimate and telling me how much he missed me and calling me baby and pet names and saying how he still wanted to go to myprom with me. and it hurt it hurt so much because he was saying such awful things less than a month ago, and now, now im in his convienient little "friend" slot, so he doesnt hurt inside and im trying my best not to shatter into a million pieces, because im an idiot and I still love him, i still love him but i just dont want to love him anymore. and i dont know how to make it go away. when i fall it doesnt just disappear. I still love everyperson ive ever loved to this day, despite what theyve done or what they think. im just so ...tired and confused i suppose. oh well my pity party is over.