Hearts Desire
what a week this has been!
So we got though the hell of tech for Kiss Me Kate. Im so glad that is done. Opening weekend actually went pretty well. I'm very proud of my cast, and very thankful for all of my friends that came and joined me for this hectic process. We made it though, and can now have fun with it.
Tonight was fun. Me and the negros went out to weho to meet Heimos and a lot of other cast mates. It was a really good time, but soon after my mind started wondering.
First off, let me just say that i was really excited about one thing. Every show that i do, i have a show crush. And that is a crush on a cast mate. There is always someone. Kiss Me Kate was the first cast that i had no crush until recently. Technically im not sure if it counts, but after recent events, i guess i can say that i do. And that person happens to actually be my ex.
Today we had an interesting discussion. I got more things off my chest, as i did the other day. It was nice to just talk and let things flow and speak about certain situations that i had been wondering about, and speak about our past, and possible future. I really liked the layout of the conversation and all of the discoveries that came out of it.
Basically, i think i wanted to jump back into it, but the timing isn't right. Its hard to put yourself out there like that not knowing what the result will be, even if you arent expecting anything. But that made me very vulnerable, and i think it affected me tonight while i was trying to have a good night out with my friends.
We were all out having a good time. I was fine, then all of a sudden my mind started wondering, and little stupid things started affecting me. Things that normally don't matter, but being that i opened my heart up and spoke my mind, now it irritated me. I think irritated is too strong of a word, but i was definitely affected. Its stupid, and i feel like i was being a girl, but at the same time its how i felt. Honestly nothing is going on and there is no reason for me to have been affected, but still. It happened.
On another note, its interesting to see how Calvin is when hes drunk. Sometimes i love it, and sometimes it annoys me. Again, another word probably (actually definitely) too strong for how i actually feel. He just is a lot, and also lets the gay come out more. Not calling him gay because he is not. But he definitely lets his tendencies fly. Love the guy, but more so the point is i just wish he'd not care. If he was someone who was secure with himself and didn't give a shit what people thought, then i could care less too. But to know how insecure he is about people thinking hes gay, then seeing things he does just makes me go really? And you wonder why people think that? And knowing his insecurities, wondering where he's at sometimes. He knows hes not, and thats really all that matters.
But alas, i did have a good time tonight, just let little stupid flirtatious moments between too friends get to me. And you know what? Maybe it only got to me because i know one of the party actually likes the other, and i see him as a treat, but then again...he has crushes all the time and never does anything about them, plus has his own baggage to deal with anyway.
Either way, i shouldn't have let it get to me. I love them both, and really have no say in what they do.
I need to close my vulnerability. Its not hard, but its fresh just based off the conversation that was had hours before. I'll be alright, and actually already am just by writing this. Soooooo glad i started journaling again. Its therapy.
I guess i should head to bed soon. I have an audition tomorrow. Not even really sure what im getting myself into, but apparently its for some kind of Las Vegas tv show on dancers and their lives or something. We shall see.
~Keenon~
So we got though the hell of tech for Kiss Me Kate. Im so glad that is done. Opening weekend actually went pretty well. I'm very proud of my cast, and very thankful for all of my friends that came and joined me for this hectic process. We made it though, and can now have fun with it.
Tonight was fun. Me and the negros went out to weho to meet Heimos and a lot of other cast mates. It was a really good time, but soon after my mind started wondering.
First off, let me just say that i was really excited about one thing. Every show that i do, i have a show crush. And that is a crush on a cast mate. There is always someone. Kiss Me Kate was the first cast that i had no crush until recently. Technically im not sure if it counts, but after recent events, i guess i can say that i do. And that person happens to actually be my ex.
Today we had an interesting discussion. I got more things off my chest, as i did the other day. It was nice to just talk and let things flow and speak about certain situations that i had been wondering about, and speak about our past, and possible future. I really liked the layout of the conversation and all of the discoveries that came out of it.
Basically, i think i wanted to jump back into it, but the timing isn't right. Its hard to put yourself out there like that not knowing what the result will be, even if you arent expecting anything. But that made me very vulnerable, and i think it affected me tonight while i was trying to have a good night out with my friends.
We were all out having a good time. I was fine, then all of a sudden my mind started wondering, and little stupid things started affecting me. Things that normally don't matter, but being that i opened my heart up and spoke my mind, now it irritated me. I think irritated is too strong of a word, but i was definitely affected. Its stupid, and i feel like i was being a girl, but at the same time its how i felt. Honestly nothing is going on and there is no reason for me to have been affected, but still. It happened.
On another note, its interesting to see how Calvin is when hes drunk. Sometimes i love it, and sometimes it annoys me. Again, another word probably (actually definitely) too strong for how i actually feel. He just is a lot, and also lets the gay come out more. Not calling him gay because he is not. But he definitely lets his tendencies fly. Love the guy, but more so the point is i just wish he'd not care. If he was someone who was secure with himself and didn't give a shit what people thought, then i could care less too. But to know how insecure he is about people thinking hes gay, then seeing things he does just makes me go really? And you wonder why people think that? And knowing his insecurities, wondering where he's at sometimes. He knows hes not, and thats really all that matters.
But alas, i did have a good time tonight, just let little stupid flirtatious moments between too friends get to me. And you know what? Maybe it only got to me because i know one of the party actually likes the other, and i see him as a treat, but then again...he has crushes all the time and never does anything about them, plus has his own baggage to deal with anyway.
Either way, i shouldn't have let it get to me. I love them both, and really have no say in what they do.
I need to close my vulnerability. Its not hard, but its fresh just based off the conversation that was had hours before. I'll be alright, and actually already am just by writing this. Soooooo glad i started journaling again. Its therapy.
I guess i should head to bed soon. I have an audition tomorrow. Not even really sure what im getting myself into, but apparently its for some kind of Las Vegas tv show on dancers and their lives or something. We shall see.
~Keenon~