mind over matter
well, i thought i'd be posting regularly, but it has been a nice little break since my last entry.
I am wide awake, and i have to be up in 3 hours for possible the longest day ever. But my mind won't calm down, so here is some release.
Where am i today? well last entry was business, im in the mood to get personal.
so, reading back on my past entries, it is interesting the last place to see where i had someone else there for me. That last person. lasted 3 weeks, lol after that i remained single for years. once i got to pcpa, i found someone else, but that didn't go too well, considering history repeats itself, and i was once again screwed over by my best friend at the time. and why is it i had trust issues?
the good thing, is i have a new best friend. well, we are going on like what 2 1/2 years now? but it feels like we have known each other for all eternity. I dont think i have ever been this close with anyone, ever. i love the guy like i love myself, and wouldnt trade him for anything. its like he just is a part of me now. but yeah, thats Calvin.
now the interesting thing about having calvin around, he makes me forget that i am single. with that being said, as much as we hang out, and are there for each other, i just dont think about a relationship and the fact that i dont have one. there is no need if that makes sense. i dont feel lonely. now dont get me wrong, i have those sexual lonely times every now and then, but ya. theres nothing he can do for me in that regard, haha. but still, just my mind doesnt really go there.
now i did find someone else for a short time, as did he. it was interesting being in relationships. both of us not having had one in a while, and both of us had to get used to sharing each others time which was a new thing. neither one of ours lasted though.
as far as my situation, what didnt go wrong is the real question. we were great, but i think i wanted more than i could actually get at the time, plus i had a lot of insecurities. part of where i am tonight has to do with that person, but not in a major way.
i believe we just work better as friends, though i am extremely sexually attracted to that person. but i don't think its mutual, and in general, im used to people not being sexually attracted to me. no one thinks of me as sexually active. my niceness and what this girl suzanne would call "cuteness" drives that from everyones mind.
it used to bother me, but i've come to terms with it.
but back to this person, still in my life, and sometimes i want more, and others not, haha. but i found out tonight a friend of mine is crushing on that person now. the weird thing is it doesnt really affect me. but i think at this point im too tired to care. why should i let it bother me?
this is a random entry, but its just wherever my mind goes at this point.
i live with calvin now, da roomie, haha, who i think is still not home. he is very predictable. not in a normal way, but i just know him well, and can see what will happen with certain things, even if i don't understand why. i just knew he would not be home tonight though he claimed he wasnt staying out late. again, i dont know why, but just new it. why does it matter? it doesnt. but, but iono, its interesting watching him grow. him being away from home and out of his fathers house, hes learning a lot and making different decisions now. its interesting to watch.
anywho, im currently annoyed with my mind, it won't calm down. im also having some thoughts on certain things. and its just annoying because i tend to be right a lot. i want to not know something for once. and really be able to be surprised for once and not see something coming. weather its good or bad or anything. whatever the case tonight though, if right, the maturity factor goes way out the window, lol. would really be something to get used to. again, not necessarily good or bad, just is.
despite whats said, i feel like the sharing factor is back in place, in a very interesting way. but hey, we shall see.
how did this entry become about him? that was not the intention, but i guess like i said earlier its what was on my mind at the time.
im so frazzled with this Kiss Me Kate process. i just want the show to be great like i know it can be. i have a great cast minus a few useless gits, but still. this process has been hell, but i have faith we will be alright. i have a 15 hour day tomorrow. i really hope i make it.
im done rambling. there are other things on my mind, but i dont feel like writing anymore, so unitil next time!
~Keenon~
I am wide awake, and i have to be up in 3 hours for possible the longest day ever. But my mind won't calm down, so here is some release.
Where am i today? well last entry was business, im in the mood to get personal.
so, reading back on my past entries, it is interesting the last place to see where i had someone else there for me. That last person. lasted 3 weeks, lol after that i remained single for years. once i got to pcpa, i found someone else, but that didn't go too well, considering history repeats itself, and i was once again screwed over by my best friend at the time. and why is it i had trust issues?
the good thing, is i have a new best friend. well, we are going on like what 2 1/2 years now? but it feels like we have known each other for all eternity. I dont think i have ever been this close with anyone, ever. i love the guy like i love myself, and wouldnt trade him for anything. its like he just is a part of me now. but yeah, thats Calvin.
now the interesting thing about having calvin around, he makes me forget that i am single. with that being said, as much as we hang out, and are there for each other, i just dont think about a relationship and the fact that i dont have one. there is no need if that makes sense. i dont feel lonely. now dont get me wrong, i have those sexual lonely times every now and then, but ya. theres nothing he can do for me in that regard, haha. but still, just my mind doesnt really go there.
now i did find someone else for a short time, as did he. it was interesting being in relationships. both of us not having had one in a while, and both of us had to get used to sharing each others time which was a new thing. neither one of ours lasted though.
as far as my situation, what didnt go wrong is the real question. we were great, but i think i wanted more than i could actually get at the time, plus i had a lot of insecurities. part of where i am tonight has to do with that person, but not in a major way.
i believe we just work better as friends, though i am extremely sexually attracted to that person. but i don't think its mutual, and in general, im used to people not being sexually attracted to me. no one thinks of me as sexually active. my niceness and what this girl suzanne would call "cuteness" drives that from everyones mind.
it used to bother me, but i've come to terms with it.
but back to this person, still in my life, and sometimes i want more, and others not, haha. but i found out tonight a friend of mine is crushing on that person now. the weird thing is it doesnt really affect me. but i think at this point im too tired to care. why should i let it bother me?
this is a random entry, but its just wherever my mind goes at this point.
i live with calvin now, da roomie, haha, who i think is still not home. he is very predictable. not in a normal way, but i just know him well, and can see what will happen with certain things, even if i don't understand why. i just knew he would not be home tonight though he claimed he wasnt staying out late. again, i dont know why, but just new it. why does it matter? it doesnt. but, but iono, its interesting watching him grow. him being away from home and out of his fathers house, hes learning a lot and making different decisions now. its interesting to watch.
anywho, im currently annoyed with my mind, it won't calm down. im also having some thoughts on certain things. and its just annoying because i tend to be right a lot. i want to not know something for once. and really be able to be surprised for once and not see something coming. weather its good or bad or anything. whatever the case tonight though, if right, the maturity factor goes way out the window, lol. would really be something to get used to. again, not necessarily good or bad, just is.
despite whats said, i feel like the sharing factor is back in place, in a very interesting way. but hey, we shall see.
how did this entry become about him? that was not the intention, but i guess like i said earlier its what was on my mind at the time.
im so frazzled with this Kiss Me Kate process. i just want the show to be great like i know it can be. i have a great cast minus a few useless gits, but still. this process has been hell, but i have faith we will be alright. i have a 15 hour day tomorrow. i really hope i make it.
im done rambling. there are other things on my mind, but i dont feel like writing anymore, so unitil next time!
~Keenon~