The Absence of Fear - An Alex/Izzie Fic [M]
Hello Lexzie lovers :) I've been a member of this community for awhile now and wanted to finially contribute to it. So here's my first attempt at a fan fic. Lemme me know what ya think annnd also if I posted this right because I offically suck at live journal... :)
Title: Absence of Fear (Based off the Jewel song lyrics)
Rating: M Swearing and adult content
Paring: Alex and Izzie, implied Alex and Addison, Izzie and Denny
Disclaimer: I don't own them or something...
Summary: Set 6 months ahead of current GA time period. Centers around the meeting of Alex and Izzie in Joe's Bar, where finally, pent up emotions and frustrations come to a dramatic boiling point.
Chapter 1
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Inside my skin,
There is this space
It twists and turns
It bleeds and aches
The sun was just setting as Isobel Stevens slowly pulled open the familiar doors to the top SG hot spot; simple, comfy, welcoming... Joe’s Bar. Ever since she had moved out to Seattle to be closer to work, the establishment had quickly become one of her most favorite places in the world. There was something about the feeling you received from simply walking through those doors. The soft hum of laughter echoing from the mouths of relaxed friends and coworkers, while a feel-good song rang sweetly in the background, always loud enough for you to recognize the tune and place a warm smile across your face, but never preventing friendly conversation. Yes. For Izzie, it had truly become a home away from home.
After making it through the entrance of the bar, Izzie allowed herself to take in the familiar sights and sounds, taking a deep breath and inhaling the comforting scent of rain and mixed nuts that lingered in the air. She shook off the light brown coat she had been wearing and hung it on the coat hanger next to the door and then proceeded to glance around the room for a familiar face. Work had been hell today and all she wanted to focus on was relaxing with friends and a few drinks. She noticed Joe wearing his naturally lovable grin and waving Izzie over to the bar. Izzie’s face lit up, realizing the contagious effect Joe still had on all his customers. That must be the secret to why its always so busy here.
She let her body finally relax; reassuring herself that nice conversation with Joe and a glass of Chardonnay until George, Meredith or Cristina finally got off work was the perfect way to start her evening. She started toward the bar but came to a tentative arrest as her eyes settled on the unmistakable form of Alex Karev’s dark shoulders and messy brown hair. Even from behind and without acknowledging it himself, he had a way of making her hesitant, just long enough to make her loose herself in thoughts of him for a few split seconds. She had actually gotten quite good at ignoring it and letting it pass, especially recently with the whole Addison development. She convinced herself that this was another reason why she would not let the slightest hint of jealousy shed light upon her face. She had conditioned herself well in the art of denial when it came to him. Because her feelings were never what they used to be. Not since Denny, or I guess, since Olivia. She had in some way given up on caring too deeply for a man, especially a man like Alex. A man who could hurt her, like he did.
So she calmly took the small waves of jealousy and desirability as they came, always carefully tucking them deeper and deeper into the recesses of her heart. Promising herself that she would never let them surface again like they had in the past. She was through making herself emotionally vulnerable to men like Alex, no matter how hot he looked while she pretended to carry on a conversation with George in the locker room, stealing every moment she could, attempting to indifferently check out his exquisitely sculpted physique while unchanging. Or how many times she'd exchange superficially polite smiles that silently screamed of anything but platonic in nature, causing every remarkable exchange of touch and emotion to replay in the back of her head… No matter how many times. She was tired of being let down, in one way or another, by the men in her life.
So for the past six months, she had become quite satisfied with the defense mechanism she had devised for herself. The method had been working… until last week, when word of Addison and Alex’s relationship ending quickly echoed through the halls of Seattle Grace. Ever since then, the tension between both of them, which she had worked so hard to suppress, rapidly began to increase in size and intensity, developing into some kind of thick layer of anxiety that neither one would dare admit into existence. The angst that filled the air every time they were within ten feet of each other forced them to begin picking the stupidest fights imaginable, just so they could fill the silence and attempt to vent their frustrations. It was only a matter of time before he reached his breaking point. Obviously it wouldn’t be her due to her ingeniously crafty method of denial. Or so she continued to tell herself.
Well, she could try and book it for the door before Alex had the chance to turn around and catch her starring at him in a weird confusion of inelegance and hesitation. She began seriously considering it… I mean she knew one of them was going to have to say something to the other at one point, but tonight was suppose to be about relaxation. Not fighting over who was justified in their means of breaking rules in life and other endlessly inconclusive shit. She was about to pull a straight up U-Turn and glide out the way she came in when she heard Joe amusingly call her name,
“Hey! Izzie!” he threw one arm up and continued wiping the bar counter with the other. “So… you gunna come grab a drink anytime soon or are you just gunna stand their in the middle of the bar the rest of the night?”
Izzie’s face dropped… but she quickly replaced her frown with the biggest smile she could muster as she watched Alex’s head turn in her direction out of the corner of her eye. She let out a light, stifled laugh and began walking toward where Alex sat, feeling the intensity of his stare the entire way. Swallowing hard she quickly pressed play on her self-denial remote and let her eyes meet his. Her smile widened into a full-blown Izzie grin.
“Hi Alex,” she managed. This should be fun.
Chapter 2
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Inside my heart,
There's an empty room.
It's waiting for lightning,
It's waiting... for you.
Alex Karev sat hunched on his stool at Joe’s Bar, twirling the remainder of his second Heineken around in slow circles. He began claiming the stool as his own after the third day of his internship was over and he had once again found himself magnetically drawn to the bar. Was it the hot women? Or the comforting environment? Maybe it was the dart board, or the kind teddy bear of a man behind the counter.
In reality, it was everything. He loved it here. Nothing beat a nice cold beer and conversation with the friendliest, most humble person on earth. Even his name reflected the compassionate simplicity of his personality. And while he appeared to be your average joe… literally… Joe was far from average. Though he’d never admit it, he had always been the one cheering on the interns at their finest hours. He peed his pants when he finally saw Meredith and Derek kiss in front of him a couple months ago, giving them both high fives after the make out session and then realizing it was an awkward thing to do and returned to work. He was ecstatic when George beamed about his open heart surgery in an elevator. Joe gave him enough free beers that night that George, the poor light weight, was under the bar before the clock hit midnight.
But even more importantly, he was the one cheering them up, taking their keys, giving them advice and calling them cabs when they had decided to shut everything but Joe and a bottle of liquor out. And while he would always reply with having the same high regards for all five, Joe had developed somewhat of a soft spot for his most loyal, (disregarding his triple digit tab) customer. Especially during the last week, when Alex’s visits to the bar became more frequent, which he didn’t think was possible. Being a bartender, he had developed an impressive knack for reading people. Alex didn’t even need to open his mouth for Joe to decipher the pain that was written all over his face. He hadn’t seen Karev this bummed out since Joe caught news of a new heart patient guy at Seattle Grace, which also meant he knew exactly what, or better yet, who was mentally tearing at Alex’s heart a little more each night. He wouldn’t push the conversation though. That was another thing he had learned. Most people are the same and after a couple drinks, whatever you were curious about knowing earlier usually spills out, and then some. Joe handed a couple sitting at the other side of the bar their drinks and started walking toward where Alex sat.
Before he spoke, he recognized the heavy thoughts that began to gather in Alex’s warm eyes. Whatever was going on with Iz this time, it was serious.
“I’m beginning to think you don’t have a home Karev.” Joe smiled, popping open another beer and sliding it in Alex’s direction.
Alex jumped as a voice abruptly pulled him away from the chaotic, impulsive thoughts that seemed to make up the entirety of his brain these days. Thoughts he hated. Thoughts of her. Bringing the mouth of the bottle to his lips, he answered Joe before taking another long swig.
“You kidding?” Alex whipped his mouth with the sleeve of his brown shirt. “This is as good of home as anyone could ask for. And I mean that, Joe.” Alex made sure he looked up at his best friend while speaking. “Take it from a guy who basically grew up in one, and who basically lives in this one. Not all bars are the same. And this one… is special.” Joe laughed at Alex’s heartfelt compliment. Karev, two beers in, giving thoughtful compliments? Man did that girl have a bizzarely strong hold on him, even without knowing it. Joe began wiping the counter with a rag.
“Well I give you free drinks every night Karev,” he smiled. “I’d hope you think highly of this place…” Joe’s eyes quickly picked up the tall, curvy figure of a blonde standing a ways behind Alex. Even with the sea of people filing by in front of her, Joe could never miss the warm glow that radiated from her presence every time she walked through his doors. He figured he might as well give the two a chance to talk about whatever had been going on between them the last couple weeks. For their own good and frankly, on his own behalf as well. He couldn’t take the sexual tension between the pair much longer.
“Hey! Izzie! So… you gunna come grab a drink anytime soon or are just gunna stand their in the middle of the bar the rest of the night?”
The terrified look that rushed across Alex’s features made Joe regret his decision a little bit. But it passed. He was bored. And Alex and Izzie both had a reputation for making things happen in his bar. He liked to think he had something to do with it, but the best of him knew the two were simply head over heels in love with each other. Always had been, and from his experience with observing the way millions of couples looked at each other across a crowed room… they always would be. Whether they cared to surrender to it or not, was another story.
Chapter 3
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Muscle and sinew
Velvet and stone
This vessel is haunted
It creaks and moans
My bones call to you
In a separate skin
I'll make myself translucent
To let you in
Alex thought he had made up his mind on how to react to Izzie, on how to hide his emotions for her; denial. His best friend. Afterall, how could he be hurt by the rejection of the woman he loved if he didn’t ever admit to himself that it crushed him more than anything had in his life, the thought of loosing her, for good…
He knew it was a mistake, that she wasn’t over him and in the wrong place. He knew she’d pull away and yet, the second she did it was still like someone had punctured his lungs, letting the air quickly escape and leaving him speechless, breathless standing in front of her. She had broke him. Again. But like hell would Alex Karev let her know that, even in the slightest. And while whenever she wasn’t around, his self-trickery and plan of denial went astonishingly well (he had even managed to dull the pain with placing his romantic thoughts elsewhere, on a woman he convinced himself was a more mature version of the woman he couldn’t get out of his head) whenever she came around, it all went to shit. And it annoyed him like all hell. So he would take it out on her, not on purpose of course. He told himself. But then again, there were parts of him that wanted her to hurt, to feel how broken she had made him feel. No one broke Alex Karev. Tonight was no exception.
His eyes naturally softened at her greeting. There she was, in true Izzie fashion. Making the best out of the undeniably tense moments that always coincided with them being in a 1 mile radius of each other. The sight of her though, was all it took to make a genuine smile quickly dance across his lips. Damnit. She was doing it again.
Alex gained control of his facial expressions once more, slowly turning his smile into that of a casual good friend smirk. His eyes rested on hers. “Iz.” Alex brought his bottle up for another long drink as she surprisingly slipped into the empty stool beside him. George and Meredith must not be here yet he thought.
“What will it be tonight Stevens?” Joe noticed Alex was getting low on his second and reached under the bar for another beer.
“Oh let’s see,” Izzie glanced over at Alex quickly and for no apparent reason, making Alex’s eyebrows furl in slight confusion. “I think it’s a beer night for me Jo. I’ll just take a Heineken.”
“Comin’ right up.” Joe grabbed another beer from under the bar and popped both of the caps off, sliding the bottles towards Alex and Izzie.
“Thanks Jo,” Izzie smiled as she reached out bringing the cool glass to her lips and taking a long swig. She wasn’t a big beer drinker, but the soft foamy liquid felt more than comforting tonight for some reason. She could feel the reason’s eyes quietly starring at her out of her peripheral.
“What are you looking at Karev?” She brought the bottle back down to the counter, turning her body slightly to face him.
“Copy cat,” Alex coughed lightly.
“Am not,” Izzie pretended to be offended. “And what are you, 12?” Izzie tried to make it appear that she wasn’t amused. She could never read him these days and so she quickly discovered that playing defensively was the safest option.
“Are too.” Alex pretended to look interested in something else happening in the bar, hoping it wouldn’t be obvious that he was excited they’d yet again get to play their little game with one another. Even if all they did was take jabs at one another, talking with Izzie was still being with her.
“So… how was work?” He decided he would start off nonchalant, wait til’ she was a little buzzed so his quick whips would get more of a rise from her.
She brought her right hand through her hair, letting it fall back down, framing her face. “Hell,” she took another drink. “Pretty sure bailey is assigning me to all the bitchy patients because she thinks I have some type of emotional sunshine effect on people. It’s really just making me more depressed.”
Alex let out a forced sound of amusement, “That sucks man.” He decided his plan of attack would be cocky asshole tonight. She loved cocky asshole. It always seemed to work the best on Iz compared to all the women he had used it on in the past. “Pretty sure that isn’t why you’re depressed though.”
“Oh really?” She focused her attention on him, vaguely interested. “Care to enlighten me?” Her eyes wondered to his lips as she waited for his response. Damnit Izzie… she quickly brought them up to meet his eyes.
“Well, I wasn’t working tonight. So… there you go.” He said it matter-a-factly and grinned as her face scrunched in disgust and she gave him an Izzie ‘oh please’ eye roll.
“Give me a break.” She should have seen that coming. He had definitely turned up the arrogant for tonight. “Well thanks for the insight. I’m sure that would be a factor contributing, if I were in fact depressed that is.” She dodged the boastful comment gracefully, knowing exactly the game he wanted to play.
“You just said you were depressed,” Alex finished his third beer, placing the empty bottle on the counter and letting his left leg start to dance a little on his stool. What he feeling a buzz after 3 beers? Jesus. He blamed a little of his excitement on his company, just to convince himself that he hadn’t become somewhat of a light weight over the last couple months. Damn on-call shifts were eating away from his manly beer time.
“I said the patients made me depressed. I’m not actually depressed.” Noticing she needed to catch up a little, Izzie downed the rest of her beer. “There was this hot new attending assigned to one of my patients today, so he helped elevate my mood quite a bit really.” Her eyebrows went up suggestively. She wasn’t going to let Alex think he was the only one who knew which buttons to press when it came to their twisted mind-games with each other. She didn’t know why she thought her mentioning another guy would get under his skin a little. I guess she figured it was all she had to play tonight. She had run out of cards over the last couple weeks. With out realizing it, she had locked into Alex’s gaze, anticipating his response.
Alex just stared at her awhile. It stung. He had no idea why it stung but it still did, pissing him off even more. She had way too much fucking control. Who the hell did she think she was? Making him still feel jealous over her even mentioning another guy after the whole Denny fiasco. He laughed it off making sure none of his inner thoughts registered across his face. At least he still had her beat with that talent. Izzie would never be as good as him at hiding the way she felt. Even at this moment, he could tell just by looking at her that she was anxiously waiting for his response.
Alex glanced over at Joe and gave him the “nother round” hand gesture, then focused his attention back on Izzie. The rest of their environment had been slowly fading out as their conversation progressed. This was to be expected. Once they started, neither would stop until they thought they had gotten the last word. Back when they were having sex, it served as phenomenal foreplay. Now it just served to frustrate the hell out of both of them since sex was no longer an outlet. Sure there were others they could turn to, but it wasn’t the same, as Alex had depressingly discovered first hand. Sex with Izzie was always different. A weird type of drug. Something about how incredibly stubborn Izzie was when it came to confronting him, calling him on his shit, challenging him in ways no other woman had done before. It was the biggest turn on and thus, never helped matters much. How the hell was he suppose to come up with smart, witty comebacks to her defiance if all he wanted to do was grab her face and kiss her deeply, all the while gently ripping at her clothes like they had done so many times in the past. It wasn’t fair. But Alex was never a complainer, or one to back down from a fight. Especially when it was with her.
“A new cute attending eh?” He nodded a thanks to Joe before sliding the first beer across the bar to Izzie. “Well hey if the male attendings are even half as good as some of the female attendings, then you definitely have yourself a good time there Iz.” He let the words sink in, noticing that his words had definitely hit a nerve. He knew she knew exactly who he was referring to and he also knew it hurt her that he had decided to try things out with Addison. Why it had, he never cared allowed himself to figure out, fearing that it would just lead his hopes to get ahead of his reality once more and come crashing down around him. He just knew it was a button he could push. And he did, only when she had thrown an equally harsh pitch his way. The pain that lingered in her eyes tonight though worried him that he might have used the Addison card prematurely. She usually would have replied with a ‘well unlike some people I can keep my pants on while getting to know someone’ comment by now.
Izzie didn’t know what the hell her problem was tonight. Definitely didn’t bring her A-game and the A-card had definitely hit her harder than usual. What was it about tonight? God, she was just so tired of the way they got such sick enjoyment out of who could hurt the other worse. She realized her emotions had again gotten the best of her and were probably replaying in her eyes as she silently took in Alex’s comment. What a cocky bastard. She silently looked down at her lap as she scolded herself for letting him successfully get a punch in. Stupid Alex. How could someone be so offensive and yet so charming all at the same time? Figures the place in her heart reserved for him would find a twisted way to make his low jab charming. Like he wanted her to feel jealous so he could assure her she meant more to him than Addison ever would. Figures.
Her silence was alarming and he unconsciously slipped out of asshole mode to rest his hand on her shoulder. “Izzie… Come on you know I was just playing around.” He let a playful yet concerned gaze rest on her angelic features. Here it comes… damnit. He knew he shouldn’t have let his guard down quite yet.
The stupid random moments… random moments when her beauty solely consumed him, his whole being. He actually couldn’t believe someone could be so beautiful, just sitting there silently, totally unaware of the fact that she could be sitting with any other guy here, making them the happiest guy in the world, just to be seen with her. It wasn’t even her physical beauty, which of course was undeniable. But the fact that he knew her, who she was underneath… the fact that the real beauty to Izzie Stevens lied there and that he had been privileged to experience it, to admire it every time he looked at her, that was the beauty that truly took his breathe away.
He felt the impulses again, always accompanied by the random moments… to just suck it up and tell her, throw caution to wind, one last time and get his heart smashed to smithereens. Because, looking at her, he knew, as much as it killed him, that it would all be worth it. Which only meant one thing… and he wasn’t ready to submit to that intense of an emotion yet. Not when she had given him nothing in return for so long.
“Iz?” He leaned in closer reaching out his other arm and placing his hand beneath her chin. He softly titled her head up to meet his gaze. The absurd amount of emotions that his eyes were met with made him retract back slightly, still resting his forefinger under her chin. Frustration and hurt were the obvious ones. But he could have sworn for a second, he glimpsed a passionate sense of need, of wanting behind her hazel eyes. If he had, it was quickly replaced with a flood of anger. He felt her jaw begin to clench above his finger and he quickly drew he hand back to rest on his leg. This wasn’t going to be pretty. Why the hell was she so angry?
Izzie stared back at Alex’s concerning eyes. God did she miss that look he gave her. Like she was the only thing on earth that mattered, like he would do anything to make her feel better, to protect her from everything. She could feel herself getting comfortably lost in his gaze. Back when they were first dating, she convinced herself that he saved that look only for her and no one else, which made it mean so much more when he took her in with his warm golden eyes, drawling her close and wrapping his loving arms around her. All the clichés of being in your lover’s arms and never wanting to let go… she never appreciated until Alex. She missed him, so much more than she would ever let herself admit. And she was scared that for some reason, tonight she wouldn’t be able to hold back much longer. She could already feel the emotions begin to leak out from their hiding places.
No. She had worked too hard damnit. She let the reality of how he had won their bantering game tonight sink in. She tore herself away from her happier submissive state. Fuck this. She was done arguing with him. If he was going to continue to use Addison as his back up, she couldn’t compete. Her backup was dead. It was pointless. All of this. What were they trying to prove anyways?
Not knowing how to surrender to him, she let out a bitter laugh of frustration, letting the anger in her stare attach daggers to her words.
“You win.”
Alex didn’t know how to respond. He went with the obvious. Figured it was the best in these situations. “What?”
“You win Alex… alright?” Izzie surprised even herself with darkness in the tone of her voice. What kind of person had he turned her into?
“You happy? I’m tired of this shit, so you can brag all you want about how you screwed Addison to get back at me for hurting you. But I’m not going to waste my time fighting with you anymore Alex because… I’m just tired.” Izzie didn’t realize how close her face had moved towards his until she had spoken her last words. She could tell he was obviously brewing up some type of defense for her last comment and she knew she had to leave soon or else it would go on all night and she just didn’t have the energy. They were both so unbelievably stubborn. It made her sick really. She moved in a little closer, close enough to feel the hot fumes that now radiated from his skin. He was pissed. But he wouldn’t get the last word if she had anything to do with it.
She lowered her voice to a whisper that could only be heard in the close proximity she had created between them. “So go fuck your female attending all you want, Alex. See if I care. I think it’s about time I stopped watching you screw insecure older women because you can and started dating men without a history of STDs, who don’t get sick enjoyment out of cheating on their girlfriends and forcing them to confide in a man who would never hurt her...like you did.” She realized her sentence has slowly stopped making much sense, but he would get he jest and she still let the words cleave open scares across his chest. Why the hell was she trying so desperately to hurt him? Her words had stunned him into momentary silence. One that she knew wouldn’t last much longer. The last line she didn’t want to say and it was evident with the tears that filled her eyes as she got up off her stool and took one step towards him, leaning close into Alex’s ear, she whispered, “My biggest mistake?” She almost couldn’t get it out. She choked back the tears in the back of her throat. “Letting myself love you.” The last words were barely audible. She didn’t care. She was done.
With that, Izzie hastily made her way to the exit, grabbing angrily at her coat and breaking into a light run once she hit the door. She couldn’t breathe. She needed air. As soon as she made it out she inhaled violently as the waves of emotion and weeping threatened her every breath. The rain seemed to mirror her frustration as it hit her skin unrelentingly, drenching her from head to toe in regret and anguish. She made her way hastily towards the hospital. She really needed to buy a fucking car.
Title: Absence of Fear (Based off the Jewel song lyrics)
Rating: M Swearing and adult content
Paring: Alex and Izzie, implied Alex and Addison, Izzie and Denny
Disclaimer: I don't own them or something...
Summary: Set 6 months ahead of current GA time period. Centers around the meeting of Alex and Izzie in Joe's Bar, where finally, pent up emotions and frustrations come to a dramatic boiling point.
Chapter 1
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Inside my skin,
There is this space
It twists and turns
It bleeds and aches
The sun was just setting as Isobel Stevens slowly pulled open the familiar doors to the top SG hot spot; simple, comfy, welcoming... Joe’s Bar. Ever since she had moved out to Seattle to be closer to work, the establishment had quickly become one of her most favorite places in the world. There was something about the feeling you received from simply walking through those doors. The soft hum of laughter echoing from the mouths of relaxed friends and coworkers, while a feel-good song rang sweetly in the background, always loud enough for you to recognize the tune and place a warm smile across your face, but never preventing friendly conversation. Yes. For Izzie, it had truly become a home away from home.
After making it through the entrance of the bar, Izzie allowed herself to take in the familiar sights and sounds, taking a deep breath and inhaling the comforting scent of rain and mixed nuts that lingered in the air. She shook off the light brown coat she had been wearing and hung it on the coat hanger next to the door and then proceeded to glance around the room for a familiar face. Work had been hell today and all she wanted to focus on was relaxing with friends and a few drinks. She noticed Joe wearing his naturally lovable grin and waving Izzie over to the bar. Izzie’s face lit up, realizing the contagious effect Joe still had on all his customers. That must be the secret to why its always so busy here.
She let her body finally relax; reassuring herself that nice conversation with Joe and a glass of Chardonnay until George, Meredith or Cristina finally got off work was the perfect way to start her evening. She started toward the bar but came to a tentative arrest as her eyes settled on the unmistakable form of Alex Karev’s dark shoulders and messy brown hair. Even from behind and without acknowledging it himself, he had a way of making her hesitant, just long enough to make her loose herself in thoughts of him for a few split seconds. She had actually gotten quite good at ignoring it and letting it pass, especially recently with the whole Addison development. She convinced herself that this was another reason why she would not let the slightest hint of jealousy shed light upon her face. She had conditioned herself well in the art of denial when it came to him. Because her feelings were never what they used to be. Not since Denny, or I guess, since Olivia. She had in some way given up on caring too deeply for a man, especially a man like Alex. A man who could hurt her, like he did.
So she calmly took the small waves of jealousy and desirability as they came, always carefully tucking them deeper and deeper into the recesses of her heart. Promising herself that she would never let them surface again like they had in the past. She was through making herself emotionally vulnerable to men like Alex, no matter how hot he looked while she pretended to carry on a conversation with George in the locker room, stealing every moment she could, attempting to indifferently check out his exquisitely sculpted physique while unchanging. Or how many times she'd exchange superficially polite smiles that silently screamed of anything but platonic in nature, causing every remarkable exchange of touch and emotion to replay in the back of her head… No matter how many times. She was tired of being let down, in one way or another, by the men in her life.
So for the past six months, she had become quite satisfied with the defense mechanism she had devised for herself. The method had been working… until last week, when word of Addison and Alex’s relationship ending quickly echoed through the halls of Seattle Grace. Ever since then, the tension between both of them, which she had worked so hard to suppress, rapidly began to increase in size and intensity, developing into some kind of thick layer of anxiety that neither one would dare admit into existence. The angst that filled the air every time they were within ten feet of each other forced them to begin picking the stupidest fights imaginable, just so they could fill the silence and attempt to vent their frustrations. It was only a matter of time before he reached his breaking point. Obviously it wouldn’t be her due to her ingeniously crafty method of denial. Or so she continued to tell herself.
Well, she could try and book it for the door before Alex had the chance to turn around and catch her starring at him in a weird confusion of inelegance and hesitation. She began seriously considering it… I mean she knew one of them was going to have to say something to the other at one point, but tonight was suppose to be about relaxation. Not fighting over who was justified in their means of breaking rules in life and other endlessly inconclusive shit. She was about to pull a straight up U-Turn and glide out the way she came in when she heard Joe amusingly call her name,
“Hey! Izzie!” he threw one arm up and continued wiping the bar counter with the other. “So… you gunna come grab a drink anytime soon or are you just gunna stand their in the middle of the bar the rest of the night?”
Izzie’s face dropped… but she quickly replaced her frown with the biggest smile she could muster as she watched Alex’s head turn in her direction out of the corner of her eye. She let out a light, stifled laugh and began walking toward where Alex sat, feeling the intensity of his stare the entire way. Swallowing hard she quickly pressed play on her self-denial remote and let her eyes meet his. Her smile widened into a full-blown Izzie grin.
“Hi Alex,” she managed. This should be fun.
Chapter 2
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Inside my heart,
There's an empty room.
It's waiting for lightning,
It's waiting... for you.
Alex Karev sat hunched on his stool at Joe’s Bar, twirling the remainder of his second Heineken around in slow circles. He began claiming the stool as his own after the third day of his internship was over and he had once again found himself magnetically drawn to the bar. Was it the hot women? Or the comforting environment? Maybe it was the dart board, or the kind teddy bear of a man behind the counter.
In reality, it was everything. He loved it here. Nothing beat a nice cold beer and conversation with the friendliest, most humble person on earth. Even his name reflected the compassionate simplicity of his personality. And while he appeared to be your average joe… literally… Joe was far from average. Though he’d never admit it, he had always been the one cheering on the interns at their finest hours. He peed his pants when he finally saw Meredith and Derek kiss in front of him a couple months ago, giving them both high fives after the make out session and then realizing it was an awkward thing to do and returned to work. He was ecstatic when George beamed about his open heart surgery in an elevator. Joe gave him enough free beers that night that George, the poor light weight, was under the bar before the clock hit midnight.
But even more importantly, he was the one cheering them up, taking their keys, giving them advice and calling them cabs when they had decided to shut everything but Joe and a bottle of liquor out. And while he would always reply with having the same high regards for all five, Joe had developed somewhat of a soft spot for his most loyal, (disregarding his triple digit tab) customer. Especially during the last week, when Alex’s visits to the bar became more frequent, which he didn’t think was possible. Being a bartender, he had developed an impressive knack for reading people. Alex didn’t even need to open his mouth for Joe to decipher the pain that was written all over his face. He hadn’t seen Karev this bummed out since Joe caught news of a new heart patient guy at Seattle Grace, which also meant he knew exactly what, or better yet, who was mentally tearing at Alex’s heart a little more each night. He wouldn’t push the conversation though. That was another thing he had learned. Most people are the same and after a couple drinks, whatever you were curious about knowing earlier usually spills out, and then some. Joe handed a couple sitting at the other side of the bar their drinks and started walking toward where Alex sat.
Before he spoke, he recognized the heavy thoughts that began to gather in Alex’s warm eyes. Whatever was going on with Iz this time, it was serious.
“I’m beginning to think you don’t have a home Karev.” Joe smiled, popping open another beer and sliding it in Alex’s direction.
Alex jumped as a voice abruptly pulled him away from the chaotic, impulsive thoughts that seemed to make up the entirety of his brain these days. Thoughts he hated. Thoughts of her. Bringing the mouth of the bottle to his lips, he answered Joe before taking another long swig.
“You kidding?” Alex whipped his mouth with the sleeve of his brown shirt. “This is as good of home as anyone could ask for. And I mean that, Joe.” Alex made sure he looked up at his best friend while speaking. “Take it from a guy who basically grew up in one, and who basically lives in this one. Not all bars are the same. And this one… is special.” Joe laughed at Alex’s heartfelt compliment. Karev, two beers in, giving thoughtful compliments? Man did that girl have a bizzarely strong hold on him, even without knowing it. Joe began wiping the counter with a rag.
“Well I give you free drinks every night Karev,” he smiled. “I’d hope you think highly of this place…” Joe’s eyes quickly picked up the tall, curvy figure of a blonde standing a ways behind Alex. Even with the sea of people filing by in front of her, Joe could never miss the warm glow that radiated from her presence every time she walked through his doors. He figured he might as well give the two a chance to talk about whatever had been going on between them the last couple weeks. For their own good and frankly, on his own behalf as well. He couldn’t take the sexual tension between the pair much longer.
“Hey! Izzie! So… you gunna come grab a drink anytime soon or are just gunna stand their in the middle of the bar the rest of the night?”
The terrified look that rushed across Alex’s features made Joe regret his decision a little bit. But it passed. He was bored. And Alex and Izzie both had a reputation for making things happen in his bar. He liked to think he had something to do with it, but the best of him knew the two were simply head over heels in love with each other. Always had been, and from his experience with observing the way millions of couples looked at each other across a crowed room… they always would be. Whether they cared to surrender to it or not, was another story.
Chapter 3
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Muscle and sinew
Velvet and stone
This vessel is haunted
It creaks and moans
My bones call to you
In a separate skin
I'll make myself translucent
To let you in
Alex thought he had made up his mind on how to react to Izzie, on how to hide his emotions for her; denial. His best friend. Afterall, how could he be hurt by the rejection of the woman he loved if he didn’t ever admit to himself that it crushed him more than anything had in his life, the thought of loosing her, for good…
He knew it was a mistake, that she wasn’t over him and in the wrong place. He knew she’d pull away and yet, the second she did it was still like someone had punctured his lungs, letting the air quickly escape and leaving him speechless, breathless standing in front of her. She had broke him. Again. But like hell would Alex Karev let her know that, even in the slightest. And while whenever she wasn’t around, his self-trickery and plan of denial went astonishingly well (he had even managed to dull the pain with placing his romantic thoughts elsewhere, on a woman he convinced himself was a more mature version of the woman he couldn’t get out of his head) whenever she came around, it all went to shit. And it annoyed him like all hell. So he would take it out on her, not on purpose of course. He told himself. But then again, there were parts of him that wanted her to hurt, to feel how broken she had made him feel. No one broke Alex Karev. Tonight was no exception.
His eyes naturally softened at her greeting. There she was, in true Izzie fashion. Making the best out of the undeniably tense moments that always coincided with them being in a 1 mile radius of each other. The sight of her though, was all it took to make a genuine smile quickly dance across his lips. Damnit. She was doing it again.
Alex gained control of his facial expressions once more, slowly turning his smile into that of a casual good friend smirk. His eyes rested on hers. “Iz.” Alex brought his bottle up for another long drink as she surprisingly slipped into the empty stool beside him. George and Meredith must not be here yet he thought.
“What will it be tonight Stevens?” Joe noticed Alex was getting low on his second and reached under the bar for another beer.
“Oh let’s see,” Izzie glanced over at Alex quickly and for no apparent reason, making Alex’s eyebrows furl in slight confusion. “I think it’s a beer night for me Jo. I’ll just take a Heineken.”
“Comin’ right up.” Joe grabbed another beer from under the bar and popped both of the caps off, sliding the bottles towards Alex and Izzie.
“Thanks Jo,” Izzie smiled as she reached out bringing the cool glass to her lips and taking a long swig. She wasn’t a big beer drinker, but the soft foamy liquid felt more than comforting tonight for some reason. She could feel the reason’s eyes quietly starring at her out of her peripheral.
“What are you looking at Karev?” She brought the bottle back down to the counter, turning her body slightly to face him.
“Copy cat,” Alex coughed lightly.
“Am not,” Izzie pretended to be offended. “And what are you, 12?” Izzie tried to make it appear that she wasn’t amused. She could never read him these days and so she quickly discovered that playing defensively was the safest option.
“Are too.” Alex pretended to look interested in something else happening in the bar, hoping it wouldn’t be obvious that he was excited they’d yet again get to play their little game with one another. Even if all they did was take jabs at one another, talking with Izzie was still being with her.
“So… how was work?” He decided he would start off nonchalant, wait til’ she was a little buzzed so his quick whips would get more of a rise from her.
She brought her right hand through her hair, letting it fall back down, framing her face. “Hell,” she took another drink. “Pretty sure bailey is assigning me to all the bitchy patients because she thinks I have some type of emotional sunshine effect on people. It’s really just making me more depressed.”
Alex let out a forced sound of amusement, “That sucks man.” He decided his plan of attack would be cocky asshole tonight. She loved cocky asshole. It always seemed to work the best on Iz compared to all the women he had used it on in the past. “Pretty sure that isn’t why you’re depressed though.”
“Oh really?” She focused her attention on him, vaguely interested. “Care to enlighten me?” Her eyes wondered to his lips as she waited for his response. Damnit Izzie… she quickly brought them up to meet his eyes.
“Well, I wasn’t working tonight. So… there you go.” He said it matter-a-factly and grinned as her face scrunched in disgust and she gave him an Izzie ‘oh please’ eye roll.
“Give me a break.” She should have seen that coming. He had definitely turned up the arrogant for tonight. “Well thanks for the insight. I’m sure that would be a factor contributing, if I were in fact depressed that is.” She dodged the boastful comment gracefully, knowing exactly the game he wanted to play.
“You just said you were depressed,” Alex finished his third beer, placing the empty bottle on the counter and letting his left leg start to dance a little on his stool. What he feeling a buzz after 3 beers? Jesus. He blamed a little of his excitement on his company, just to convince himself that he hadn’t become somewhat of a light weight over the last couple months. Damn on-call shifts were eating away from his manly beer time.
“I said the patients made me depressed. I’m not actually depressed.” Noticing she needed to catch up a little, Izzie downed the rest of her beer. “There was this hot new attending assigned to one of my patients today, so he helped elevate my mood quite a bit really.” Her eyebrows went up suggestively. She wasn’t going to let Alex think he was the only one who knew which buttons to press when it came to their twisted mind-games with each other. She didn’t know why she thought her mentioning another guy would get under his skin a little. I guess she figured it was all she had to play tonight. She had run out of cards over the last couple weeks. With out realizing it, she had locked into Alex’s gaze, anticipating his response.
Alex just stared at her awhile. It stung. He had no idea why it stung but it still did, pissing him off even more. She had way too much fucking control. Who the hell did she think she was? Making him still feel jealous over her even mentioning another guy after the whole Denny fiasco. He laughed it off making sure none of his inner thoughts registered across his face. At least he still had her beat with that talent. Izzie would never be as good as him at hiding the way she felt. Even at this moment, he could tell just by looking at her that she was anxiously waiting for his response.
Alex glanced over at Joe and gave him the “nother round” hand gesture, then focused his attention back on Izzie. The rest of their environment had been slowly fading out as their conversation progressed. This was to be expected. Once they started, neither would stop until they thought they had gotten the last word. Back when they were having sex, it served as phenomenal foreplay. Now it just served to frustrate the hell out of both of them since sex was no longer an outlet. Sure there were others they could turn to, but it wasn’t the same, as Alex had depressingly discovered first hand. Sex with Izzie was always different. A weird type of drug. Something about how incredibly stubborn Izzie was when it came to confronting him, calling him on his shit, challenging him in ways no other woman had done before. It was the biggest turn on and thus, never helped matters much. How the hell was he suppose to come up with smart, witty comebacks to her defiance if all he wanted to do was grab her face and kiss her deeply, all the while gently ripping at her clothes like they had done so many times in the past. It wasn’t fair. But Alex was never a complainer, or one to back down from a fight. Especially when it was with her.
“A new cute attending eh?” He nodded a thanks to Joe before sliding the first beer across the bar to Izzie. “Well hey if the male attendings are even half as good as some of the female attendings, then you definitely have yourself a good time there Iz.” He let the words sink in, noticing that his words had definitely hit a nerve. He knew she knew exactly who he was referring to and he also knew it hurt her that he had decided to try things out with Addison. Why it had, he never cared allowed himself to figure out, fearing that it would just lead his hopes to get ahead of his reality once more and come crashing down around him. He just knew it was a button he could push. And he did, only when she had thrown an equally harsh pitch his way. The pain that lingered in her eyes tonight though worried him that he might have used the Addison card prematurely. She usually would have replied with a ‘well unlike some people I can keep my pants on while getting to know someone’ comment by now.
Izzie didn’t know what the hell her problem was tonight. Definitely didn’t bring her A-game and the A-card had definitely hit her harder than usual. What was it about tonight? God, she was just so tired of the way they got such sick enjoyment out of who could hurt the other worse. She realized her emotions had again gotten the best of her and were probably replaying in her eyes as she silently took in Alex’s comment. What a cocky bastard. She silently looked down at her lap as she scolded herself for letting him successfully get a punch in. Stupid Alex. How could someone be so offensive and yet so charming all at the same time? Figures the place in her heart reserved for him would find a twisted way to make his low jab charming. Like he wanted her to feel jealous so he could assure her she meant more to him than Addison ever would. Figures.
Her silence was alarming and he unconsciously slipped out of asshole mode to rest his hand on her shoulder. “Izzie… Come on you know I was just playing around.” He let a playful yet concerned gaze rest on her angelic features. Here it comes… damnit. He knew he shouldn’t have let his guard down quite yet.
The stupid random moments… random moments when her beauty solely consumed him, his whole being. He actually couldn’t believe someone could be so beautiful, just sitting there silently, totally unaware of the fact that she could be sitting with any other guy here, making them the happiest guy in the world, just to be seen with her. It wasn’t even her physical beauty, which of course was undeniable. But the fact that he knew her, who she was underneath… the fact that the real beauty to Izzie Stevens lied there and that he had been privileged to experience it, to admire it every time he looked at her, that was the beauty that truly took his breathe away.
He felt the impulses again, always accompanied by the random moments… to just suck it up and tell her, throw caution to wind, one last time and get his heart smashed to smithereens. Because, looking at her, he knew, as much as it killed him, that it would all be worth it. Which only meant one thing… and he wasn’t ready to submit to that intense of an emotion yet. Not when she had given him nothing in return for so long.
“Iz?” He leaned in closer reaching out his other arm and placing his hand beneath her chin. He softly titled her head up to meet his gaze. The absurd amount of emotions that his eyes were met with made him retract back slightly, still resting his forefinger under her chin. Frustration and hurt were the obvious ones. But he could have sworn for a second, he glimpsed a passionate sense of need, of wanting behind her hazel eyes. If he had, it was quickly replaced with a flood of anger. He felt her jaw begin to clench above his finger and he quickly drew he hand back to rest on his leg. This wasn’t going to be pretty. Why the hell was she so angry?
Izzie stared back at Alex’s concerning eyes. God did she miss that look he gave her. Like she was the only thing on earth that mattered, like he would do anything to make her feel better, to protect her from everything. She could feel herself getting comfortably lost in his gaze. Back when they were first dating, she convinced herself that he saved that look only for her and no one else, which made it mean so much more when he took her in with his warm golden eyes, drawling her close and wrapping his loving arms around her. All the clichés of being in your lover’s arms and never wanting to let go… she never appreciated until Alex. She missed him, so much more than she would ever let herself admit. And she was scared that for some reason, tonight she wouldn’t be able to hold back much longer. She could already feel the emotions begin to leak out from their hiding places.
No. She had worked too hard damnit. She let the reality of how he had won their bantering game tonight sink in. She tore herself away from her happier submissive state. Fuck this. She was done arguing with him. If he was going to continue to use Addison as his back up, she couldn’t compete. Her backup was dead. It was pointless. All of this. What were they trying to prove anyways?
Not knowing how to surrender to him, she let out a bitter laugh of frustration, letting the anger in her stare attach daggers to her words.
“You win.”
Alex didn’t know how to respond. He went with the obvious. Figured it was the best in these situations. “What?”
“You win Alex… alright?” Izzie surprised even herself with darkness in the tone of her voice. What kind of person had he turned her into?
“You happy? I’m tired of this shit, so you can brag all you want about how you screwed Addison to get back at me for hurting you. But I’m not going to waste my time fighting with you anymore Alex because… I’m just tired.” Izzie didn’t realize how close her face had moved towards his until she had spoken her last words. She could tell he was obviously brewing up some type of defense for her last comment and she knew she had to leave soon or else it would go on all night and she just didn’t have the energy. They were both so unbelievably stubborn. It made her sick really. She moved in a little closer, close enough to feel the hot fumes that now radiated from his skin. He was pissed. But he wouldn’t get the last word if she had anything to do with it.
She lowered her voice to a whisper that could only be heard in the close proximity she had created between them. “So go fuck your female attending all you want, Alex. See if I care. I think it’s about time I stopped watching you screw insecure older women because you can and started dating men without a history of STDs, who don’t get sick enjoyment out of cheating on their girlfriends and forcing them to confide in a man who would never hurt her...like you did.” She realized her sentence has slowly stopped making much sense, but he would get he jest and she still let the words cleave open scares across his chest. Why the hell was she trying so desperately to hurt him? Her words had stunned him into momentary silence. One that she knew wouldn’t last much longer. The last line she didn’t want to say and it was evident with the tears that filled her eyes as she got up off her stool and took one step towards him, leaning close into Alex’s ear, she whispered, “My biggest mistake?” She almost couldn’t get it out. She choked back the tears in the back of her throat. “Letting myself love you.” The last words were barely audible. She didn’t care. She was done.
With that, Izzie hastily made her way to the exit, grabbing angrily at her coat and breaking into a light run once she hit the door. She couldn’t breathe. She needed air. As soon as she made it out she inhaled violently as the waves of emotion and weeping threatened her every breath. The rain seemed to mirror her frustration as it hit her skin unrelentingly, drenching her from head to toe in regret and anguish. She made her way hastily towards the hospital. She really needed to buy a fucking car.