Chapter 4 "Absence of Fear"
Chapter 4
I am wanting, and...
I am needing you
To be here
Inside the absence of fear
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
It took Alex what felt like hours before he could break the rigid hold Izzie’s words had had on his body. He blinked twice, hoping that it would slow everything that had just happened down to a pace he could comprehend. Her last words where all he could think about at first. For so long he had unconsciously craved for the words “I love you” to fall form her lips and be directed toward him. But not like this. Never did he dream like this. He almost allowed himself to get lost in questions of what her last few words implied but then the realization of what she had said before hit him in a mad fit of anger. She actually thought he would sleep with someone else to get back at her? For some reason, Izzie’s assumption that his feelings for Addison and his relationship with her, had only been about her and not his own happiness made him burn with rage. Even if Addison had just proven to be a failed attempt at getting over Izzie… he had given everything he had into trying to make that relationship work. But every fucking time she always found a way to inhabit his thoughts and emotions, permanently. And her knowing this the entire time is what really ticked him off. When the fuck would this stop being about her?
His face tensed into one of alarming resentment as he slammed his bottle down on the counter. Shit, he had to find her. He had no fucking clue what he was going to say or do. He had lost all control of himself, which both excited and annoyed the hell out of him. It reminded him of her again. Of how they were never able to hold anything back, up until they fell apart. And since then, he had been doing nothing but holding back. But he couldn’t do it anymore. He had to put her in her fucking place. Where that was, he still didn’t know.
Alex hastily threw what he had left for cash in his pocket on the counter for Joe and made his way to the door, determined to end whatever had been going on between them once and for all.
The brisk air threatened to send chills up his spine. But it was the scene in front of him that ultimately sent the coldest gust of wind through his entire body. He saw her there. Soaked and angrily trudging her way to the street that separated the bar from the hospital. He broke out in a mad run toward where she now stood, waiting for the traffic to clear so she could cross.
“Izzie!” He was now a couple feet away from her, but the anger in his voice could have been heard for miles. “Damnit, Izzie! You’re fucking unbelievable you know that?!” He had given up trying to control the volume of his voice. The traffic speeding behind them acted as some sort of lame excuse. He knew they would be yelling regardless.
Izzie’s eyes were bloodshot as she turned to face him, arms crossed tightly across her chest. She couldn’t believe he had the nerve to follow her after what she said. Nevermind… who the hell was she kidding? It was Alex.
“Me?! Are you…” The anger she had just spent all her energy trying to suppress began to well up within her. “Are you fucking kidding me?!” Her arms flew up in repulsion as she took a giant step closer to him, in order to take him in. She knew this was it.
His eyes met hers in a mad rush of intensity and distress. “No! Izzie…” His mind was racing. “God… damnit! You have no right! Where the fuck do you come off… you had no right!” He was now close enough to touch her, so he did. He roughly grabbed her by the arm and began leading her back to the parking lot. He couldn’t think clearly as it was. He didn’t need hundreds of God damn speeding cars to make it any worse.
Izzie was thrown off by the contact and once they were far enough away from the street, she placed both hands on his chest and pushed him with as much strength as she could muster, which happened to only make him retreat a couple steps.
“No right to what Alex?” Her voice had become unsteady when she wanted so badly to make him believe she was stronger than this; than him and every fucking memory he sent flooding through her mind with just his touch.
He was still so angry, he hadn’t noticed how shaky her voice had gotten. “You…” Shit, now his voice was starting to give out as well. He cleared his throat and looked her confidently in the eye. “Addison. Do you think my fucking world revolves around you Izzie? You honestly think I would sleep with her in order to, what was it, get back at you for hurting me?” He let a bitter laugh escape his mouth as he realized she was taken aback slightly by his words. “Did it ever occur to you that, maybe… I was moving on?” He had begun to pace in one steps, from left to right. “That I was sick and fucking tired of being hung up on somebody who made it blatantly clear she didn’t want me?” He stopped and waited for he reaction.
The first batch of words surprised her, but the second round just made her feel entirely selfish and disgusted with herself. He was right. He was so right if hurt, in ways she’d never been hurt before. Who was she to prevent him from moving on? She had after all rejected him. Why did she continue to cling so desperately to him as if, as if she had never moved on? As if Denny and Olivia had never happened? Could it be… that she still, underneath all the baggage and history, had found a way to continue loving him? This realization hit her even harder than the first one and she tore her gaze away from his, taking a step back. She hadn’t realized how hard she had been breathing before. She tried to calm down, but her heart wouldn’t stop racing. The emotions were too much and she felt the tears flood her eyes. What was worse than realizing she had been utterly self-centered and wrong was the reality of his words. He wanted to move on.
“I’m sorry, Alex.” She still didn’t meet his gaze. She couldn’t bring herself to.
Alex just stood there in amazement. Like hell he’d let her surrender just like that. He still had so much left he wanted to say to her. To do… to her. “What?” He raised his voice and took three steps closer in hopes of provoking her from the daze of self-misery he had successfully placed her in.
She looked up in frustration. “I said, I’m fucking sorry okay?!” She screamed at him, making him back up a couple small steps. What was his problem? She had finally given him what he wanted. “What do you want from me Alex? What do you want!” She began moving into him until they were almost chest to chest. “You can move on now, alright?!” The tears began to fall down her cheeks and were lost in the rain that continued to pour down on them.
“I’m sorry for holding on so long…” Her gaze, still intertwined with his, began to soften. “I’m sorry for selfishly making you wait…” Her tears threatened to turn into sobs but she was able to keep steady eye contact with him. “I’m sorry for breaking you and Addison apart and… and for fighting with you…” the sobs took a hold of her and she began to shake violently. “I’m so sorry Alex…” She wanted to let him go, so he could be happy, but for some reason all she wanted at this moment was his forgiveness.
Even with the resentful emotions that continued to pulse through his veins, the sight of a woman crying… and in this circumstance, having that woman be the woman he loved, made him want to do nothing but protect her from whoever was making her hurt. And in the realization that he was that person, a new wave of raw awareness swept through his body. He wanted to touch her, to console her, to kiss her. But the magnitude of the emotions made him scared he might hurt her and he needed to let her know. She had to know what he had been so scared to admit to himself this entire time. But looking at her, weeping silently in the rain, he knew she was everything he wasn’t scared of anymore. The commitment, the responsibility, the devotion; all the things that had seemed so absurd to him the past began to fit together in perfect sense before his very eyes. Izzie was the absence of this fear. And she had to know that no matter how hard he tried, there could never be anyone else.
“Stop apologizing.” His voice was low and grave and something hidden deep within it caused Izzie to stop crying abruptly. She stared intently back at him. She couldn’t believe her eyes as she began to see the slightest hint of tears well up behind his chocolate eyes. His voice was still deep with sincerity. “You didn’t break us up, Iz.” He looked away briefly to regain even an ounce of the innate confidence that had only this once decided to spring from his being. “I tried… but I couldn’t.” He noticed that she had taken a step away from the wall and their faces were now inches apart.
“Izzie…” his voice was now a deep whisper that sent the most remarkable sensations through her body. Was this really happening? She waited for him to finish…
“Damnit Iz… you know I can’t move on from you. I’ve tried so hard but I just,” he softly shook his head as she tenderly laid one hand upon his chest. He brought his gaze back to hers and finally allowed the desire and adoration he found in them to reflect upon him and consume him. He brought one hand up to the side of her face and watched the droplets of rain fall silently onto her light skin. Looking deeper into her eyes than he imagined was possible, he let the words flow fearlessly from his lips.
“I love you.”