Anger
I have been thinking a lot about the lecture I watched yesterday via Gallaudet U online with Julian Bond -- how anger can be the fuel to encourage change and someone in the audience mentioned how people get really passive and not allowing themselves to be angry at what should be changed. It made me realize I have a lot of anger that I've repressed over the years at how people treat me and minimize me because I am deaf, because I don't have the looks or money or even a job. Maybe I should show my anger more, that I have valid feelings just like everyone else does.
I'm angry because I can't seem to find that perfect job that will allow me to be with my son before and after school, because people blow me off due to finding out I am deaf so they won't even give me the chance. I'm angry I can't get a job since I don't have recent job experience and how do I get recent job experience if they won't even hire me. I'm angry at Misty for screwing me over with my house money, for causing me to feel like I'm never good enough for her to spend time with, only her money on buying me things. I'm angry at her as she never gives me a chance to talk things out with her, she'll just get mad and then that's it. I'm especially angry that she's shunned me after 11 years and her thinking I don't need her when I find that laughable as I always thought I needed her more than she needed me. Especially since she didn't understand that quality of time with her was more important to me than the crap she bought me. I'm angry with people who won't give me a chance at friendship or romance because of my looks or lack of connections. I'm tired of proving myself to them that I can be trusted, that I can be a friend, that I can even be a romantic partner. I'm angry at Crystal for always putting close captioning last on her list of things to do with her web series especially when I see other people actually doing it on theirs for less budget and are less famous. I'm angry at Fred for constantly ignoring me as I feel he's getting an ego because of his relationship with Lana. He sure wouldn't be getting this attention if it wasn't for hooking up with her. I'm angry I can't seem to get the opportunities I dream of such as traveling during the summers and working other locations other than here in Texas because of no housing, especially when I had that dream internship with GLAD and no one would give me a chance of housing in L.A. Made me frustrated. I'm also mad at God as it feels like He keeps asking me to have faith and I have tried having faith over the years and I feel like I keep getting roadblock after roadblock in terms of jobs, romance and opportunities and I have no clue as to how to break through all of this.
I just need clear directions and step by step on how to get people to PAY ATTENTION to me and give me the CHANCES that I DESERVE as I am intelligent, funny, kind, compassionate, have so much respect for people and am trustworthy.
I'm angry because I can't seem to find that perfect job that will allow me to be with my son before and after school, because people blow me off due to finding out I am deaf so they won't even give me the chance. I'm angry I can't get a job since I don't have recent job experience and how do I get recent job experience if they won't even hire me. I'm angry at Misty for screwing me over with my house money, for causing me to feel like I'm never good enough for her to spend time with, only her money on buying me things. I'm angry at her as she never gives me a chance to talk things out with her, she'll just get mad and then that's it. I'm especially angry that she's shunned me after 11 years and her thinking I don't need her when I find that laughable as I always thought I needed her more than she needed me. Especially since she didn't understand that quality of time with her was more important to me than the crap she bought me. I'm angry with people who won't give me a chance at friendship or romance because of my looks or lack of connections. I'm tired of proving myself to them that I can be trusted, that I can be a friend, that I can even be a romantic partner. I'm angry at Crystal for always putting close captioning last on her list of things to do with her web series especially when I see other people actually doing it on theirs for less budget and are less famous. I'm angry at Fred for constantly ignoring me as I feel he's getting an ego because of his relationship with Lana. He sure wouldn't be getting this attention if it wasn't for hooking up with her. I'm angry I can't seem to get the opportunities I dream of such as traveling during the summers and working other locations other than here in Texas because of no housing, especially when I had that dream internship with GLAD and no one would give me a chance of housing in L.A. Made me frustrated. I'm also mad at God as it feels like He keeps asking me to have faith and I have tried having faith over the years and I feel like I keep getting roadblock after roadblock in terms of jobs, romance and opportunities and I have no clue as to how to break through all of this.
I just need clear directions and step by step on how to get people to PAY ATTENTION to me and give me the CHANCES that I DESERVE as I am intelligent, funny, kind, compassionate, have so much respect for people and am trustworthy.