Cop-out post: my DT article
So today was more or less uneventful. Ordered the phones and received the keyboard/mouse I mentioned yesterday. Hung out with Willie and Matt and Brad all day and ran into Sharon during lunch and Becca during dinner. Is there no privacy in this world? I think today will probably spawn an interesting and involved post once I have the time and energy to write it, but now is not that time. I'm sorely sleep-deprived, and I've got tons of work to do tomorrow that I should have been doing yesterday and today. Dang.
Anyways, in the interest of providing something to read, I present my first draft of my DT article, as I submitted it to my editor for printing in the Orientation issue. It's the Roommate Confusion Guide. Enjoy, and do feel free to comment on content, style, or anything else vaguely related to what you see before you. Much love.
By KENNETH BASIN
Lifestyle Columnist
It’s tradition here at the Daily Trojan for one of our distinguished lifestyle columnists to use the Orientation issue to offer some kind of wise and sage-like advice to incoming students. The hope is to simultaneously entertain them and to offer them counsel and comfort during this often awkward transitional period.
In reviewing precedent to both gain inspiration for my own column and to avoid repetition of those that have come before, I find that more often and not, writers default to the entirely expected, honestly useful, and completely overdone "Roommate Survival Guide."
The Roommate Survival Guide is a noble effort, but I’ve always believed that while harmony can be achieved with experience, glorious discord takes some extra guidance. It is with this notion in mind, combined with my loathing of rehashing the work of my predecessors, that I present to you something a bit different.
In time, by simply obeying your own common sense, you should find common ground with your roommate and learn to get along. I, however, offer you what common sense cannot: a few fun ways to confuse the Hell out of your roommate after - or maybe before - you’ve gotten to know one another.
Whether you’re looking for a practical joke of grand scope, or maybe just to make your new roommate scratch their head a little, hopefully you’ll find something in my Roommate Confusion Guide to your liking. As a disclaimer, some of these I’ve made up, and some I’ve heard over the years, so don’t act shocked and disillusioned if any of these seem vaguely familiar.
Lawn Furniture: Shortly after you’re settled into your room and have your furniture arranged in a comfortable set-up, take careful measurements and prepare a rough schematic of the room’s layout, including the position of items on the furniture pieces. While your roommate is in class, contract some friends to help you move everything in the room to the lawn in front of your dorm building and set it up in its exact arrangement, as it would appear if it were actually in place. Sit at your desk doing work and act completely natural when your roommate arrives. Greet them warmly, ask them about their class, and offer them something from the fridge.
Put on a Happy Face: Smile. All the time. I don’t think you realize how creepy that really is.
Spending Cash: Give your roommate a small allowance each week. If they ask why, explain that it’s your responsibility, and you’re not going to shirk it. If they ask for more, tell them to get a job and to stop mooching off you. Cut off the allowance.
God Bless America: Recite the pledge of allegiance every morning when you wake up. Invite your roommate to join you, and act genuinely offended if they decline.
I’m Not Bitter: Write reply letters to the schools who rejected your applications last year informing them that you will be unable to accept their refusal to offer you a position at their university. Ask your roommate to proofread it for you.
Musical Merchandise: Every day, subtly rearrange the items on your roommate’s desk, never acknowledging that you’ve done so. Switch the positions of adjacent dressers/lamps/etc. One day, completely switch the locations of you and your roommate’s beds or desks and let them come home to find you working or sleeping in what seems to be the wrong place.
Scurvy Dogs: Talk like a pirate - constantly. Shockingly effective.
Negotiations: If you feel your roommate has somehow wronged you, leave a declaration of war on their desk that outlines your list of grievances in detail. If they fail to acknowledge it, leave them fake bulletins outline your military victories and slowly encroach on his territory in the room. Demand formal treaty negotiations, write out your decision, and sign to it.
Gourmet Cooking: Hide wrapped foods in the bottom of your trash can. If you feel like a snack while your roommate is around, very obviously rummage around the can and eat whatever you find there. Shrug and explain that it tastes better than EVK anyways.
Russian Water: Fill an empty vodka bottle with plain water and constantly take swigs from it any time you’re in the room with your roommate present. Towards the end of the night, get surly and insist that you do homework better when you’ve had a few.
Light Reading: Read the newspaper and then shred it while your roommate is away. After they arrive, sprawl out on your bed with the pile of shreddings in front of you, intently reading every strip. Ask them what they think about the day’s news. The next time they leave the room, dump the entire stack of shredded paper on their desk or bed and explain that you thought they might want to read some of the articles themselves when they have a chance.
Anyways, in the interest of providing something to read, I present my first draft of my DT article, as I submitted it to my editor for printing in the Orientation issue. It's the Roommate Confusion Guide. Enjoy, and do feel free to comment on content, style, or anything else vaguely related to what you see before you. Much love.
By KENNETH BASIN
Lifestyle Columnist
It’s tradition here at the Daily Trojan for one of our distinguished lifestyle columnists to use the Orientation issue to offer some kind of wise and sage-like advice to incoming students. The hope is to simultaneously entertain them and to offer them counsel and comfort during this often awkward transitional period.
In reviewing precedent to both gain inspiration for my own column and to avoid repetition of those that have come before, I find that more often and not, writers default to the entirely expected, honestly useful, and completely overdone "Roommate Survival Guide."
The Roommate Survival Guide is a noble effort, but I’ve always believed that while harmony can be achieved with experience, glorious discord takes some extra guidance. It is with this notion in mind, combined with my loathing of rehashing the work of my predecessors, that I present to you something a bit different.
In time, by simply obeying your own common sense, you should find common ground with your roommate and learn to get along. I, however, offer you what common sense cannot: a few fun ways to confuse the Hell out of your roommate after - or maybe before - you’ve gotten to know one another.
Whether you’re looking for a practical joke of grand scope, or maybe just to make your new roommate scratch their head a little, hopefully you’ll find something in my Roommate Confusion Guide to your liking. As a disclaimer, some of these I’ve made up, and some I’ve heard over the years, so don’t act shocked and disillusioned if any of these seem vaguely familiar.
Lawn Furniture: Shortly after you’re settled into your room and have your furniture arranged in a comfortable set-up, take careful measurements and prepare a rough schematic of the room’s layout, including the position of items on the furniture pieces. While your roommate is in class, contract some friends to help you move everything in the room to the lawn in front of your dorm building and set it up in its exact arrangement, as it would appear if it were actually in place. Sit at your desk doing work and act completely natural when your roommate arrives. Greet them warmly, ask them about their class, and offer them something from the fridge.
Put on a Happy Face: Smile. All the time. I don’t think you realize how creepy that really is.
Spending Cash: Give your roommate a small allowance each week. If they ask why, explain that it’s your responsibility, and you’re not going to shirk it. If they ask for more, tell them to get a job and to stop mooching off you. Cut off the allowance.
God Bless America: Recite the pledge of allegiance every morning when you wake up. Invite your roommate to join you, and act genuinely offended if they decline.
I’m Not Bitter: Write reply letters to the schools who rejected your applications last year informing them that you will be unable to accept their refusal to offer you a position at their university. Ask your roommate to proofread it for you.
Musical Merchandise: Every day, subtly rearrange the items on your roommate’s desk, never acknowledging that you’ve done so. Switch the positions of adjacent dressers/lamps/etc. One day, completely switch the locations of you and your roommate’s beds or desks and let them come home to find you working or sleeping in what seems to be the wrong place.
Scurvy Dogs: Talk like a pirate - constantly. Shockingly effective.
Negotiations: If you feel your roommate has somehow wronged you, leave a declaration of war on their desk that outlines your list of grievances in detail. If they fail to acknowledge it, leave them fake bulletins outline your military victories and slowly encroach on his territory in the room. Demand formal treaty negotiations, write out your decision, and sign to it.
Gourmet Cooking: Hide wrapped foods in the bottom of your trash can. If you feel like a snack while your roommate is around, very obviously rummage around the can and eat whatever you find there. Shrug and explain that it tastes better than EVK anyways.
Russian Water: Fill an empty vodka bottle with plain water and constantly take swigs from it any time you’re in the room with your roommate present. Towards the end of the night, get surly and insist that you do homework better when you’ve had a few.
Light Reading: Read the newspaper and then shred it while your roommate is away. After they arrive, sprawl out on your bed with the pile of shreddings in front of you, intently reading every strip. Ask them what they think about the day’s news. The next time they leave the room, dump the entire stack of shredded paper on their desk or bed and explain that you thought they might want to read some of the articles themselves when they have a chance.