(no subject)
my heart is not strong enough to watch my loved ones hurt like this.
i can deal with my own pain.
sometimes it's overwhelming, sometimes it feels so heavy... but i always know i can deal with it.
this pain, though? i am not so confident.
so small and fragile, i want to fold him up and hold him forever beside my heart.
tuck him away within my ribcage, protected.
shield him from all these hurts i see and know he has to experience.
what i would give to just show him these things, tell him, explain and have him understand and begin the healing process without having to suffer the pain.
time and time i again, i see him drained -- a fragment of his usual self -- and i just have to sit and watch.
i know it's going to happen.
for months and months i've known how this story is playing out.
and i watch it.
and i play this game of not pushing nor pressuring him
but just being here to hold him, kiss him, comfort him
as much as he allows me to.
i love him too much.
i put my arms around him and squeeze my eyes shut and PRAY that i can pull all the pain from his body.
i try to breathe it all in.
i wish i can rub his back, his arms, his neck until he relaxes enough to sleep.
sleeping is not worrying.
sleeping is not thinking.
sleeping is not hurting.
i will give anything to make him not hurt.
i have hurt so often in order to reduce his pain.
and i will continue to do that as long as i can without losing myself.
yet i cannot actually remove his pain for him because it is outside of me.
there is nothing i can do to fix this.
he has to fix it himself.
i do not know how to watch this.
i do not know how to help him.
i do not know how to love someone so much.
my heart is not strong enough to watch him hurt like this.