(no subject)
what to do?
laying awake, average of two hours of sleep a night for the last week or more
nausea
periodic tightening of my chest and throat, tears flowing from my eyes like a faucet barely turned on
more than a few drops, but consistent enough to keep my pillow, sleeves, shirt soaked
lost
so many thoughts and issues
"remember this. make sure you bring that up."
all of it gone. exhausted and discouraged.
what's left to say?
i need trust in my partner.
i need to know that issues or problems will be addressed.
i need to be able to TALK about things.
i need to know that changes will be lasting.
i need to feel like my partner will raise me up, not just me being stuck in the "teacher" role.
i need to know that we won't just be okay when times are good, but we'll be secure and happy together when times are BAD.
i bring up past issues not 'cause i like thinking of people negatively but because it's a PATTERN. if it was one or two isolated incidents, i would be more than willing to move on. but it has been consistent, repeated. so to ignore that is stupid and foolish, in my eyes. my lack of trust and lack of acceptance of positives as reasons to feel okay is because it's been shown time and time again that doing that led to disappointment and hurt. i'm not being cynical, i'm being realistic. this isn't coming out of nowhere
i'm not saying things won't change, i'm just saying i need to wait to see it happen.
i am not okay with just ignoring issues. they both say they're not ignoring, they're just putting it aside... but when he actually says the words, "i guess i just forget" and she says things like, "that's in the past, that doesn't happen anymore" i believe they are ignoring. things that are never resolved get put to the side then never re-addressed until they actually are prevalent issues.... they're ignored. and that is NOT okay.
we should not have to repeatedly go through negative situations to deal with these negative issues. we should be dealing with them when we're NOT pissed off, upset, sad, scared, etc. she seems unwilling.
she maybe hears, but feels argumentative 'cause she never acknowledges the point we're making and, instead, focuses only on the points she disagrees with. it's easy to think she doesn't understand where we're coming from and is just defending and arguing rather than looking at the situation objectively and doing her part to fix them.
these positive steps that she makes seem to only happen when things are "okay" which is exactly what she says. but when we start getting into more serious topics, the backslides happen. so does that mean we have to always ignore major issues or never let anything seriously bad happen to be happy together? i can't stay in this with the idea that HOPEFULLY things will be okay down the line.
there IS a commitment being made. in terms of you two, you aren't trying to save the relationship you have. you're trying to build a completely new one, *but* you're fully committed based on the feelings from your past relationship. you're making a lifetime commitment to a relationship that is unstable and, truly, only a couple months old. it's the same mistake you made before of getting caught up in the future and what you WANT to happen -- thinking and planning very long-term -- instead of focusing on where you are RIGHT NOW.