A Saturday Afternoon With Too Much To Think About
I'm in a rut. I need to get out of it. I am a walking fighting contradiction. I want to leave, but i want to stay. I want to keep something, and I want to get rid of it. I hold on to dear memories, and forget grudges. I long... and I envy. I want so many things out of life, I want to SEE so many things. I find myself constantly wishing I were moving but I'm always standing still. I can still feel the crash all around me. Bad energy. Old memories. Things lost. Things embraced. The air feels thicker these days. I want to be in the great wide somewhere. The desire to be more spontaneous is always over flooding half of my mind. The consistent feelings of obligations (or obligitory) to be responsible flood the other half.
Let's take for example, my cat, Bjork. I've had her for six whole years now... and now that I am super serious about wanting to leave Utah somehow and someway, I can't help but feel like she is a burden. I love her to death and am SO happy that I have had her for so long. All the days and nights spent cuddling, and petting, and bathing... well, we weren't bathing together. But now a days I'm realizing that she is only 6 or 7 years old!! (I don't know how old she was when I got her) She will probably live for another SIX years!! I will be almost 30 by then! I can't wait that long to start my travels. I'm ready to live my life! I need to do it while I'm young!!!
And back to the holding on thing, I hold on to people way to hard (my cat is considered one of these people). I do realize that someday people that I love aren't going to be around, so I just cling to them (only the good ones) as much as I can while they are still around. I know that someday my cat is going to die, and I will have to accept it. SO why does it almost feel more difficult to give her to someone else, and still visit her occasionally. Worse off, what if I don't find her a good home!!?? Sure my Mom MIGHT take her, but my mom is trying to get herself out of a rut and move around more too! I feel trapped. I need to be freed.
And I will. I will make a decision, I will find somewhere wonderful for my cat to live, and I will get out of Utah, even if it's only for a couple months.
My affirmations. Wonderment's of it just being another type of religion. Granted this one does give me hope and I have seen it work (ish). So I try to keep up on it. Positivity begats positivity. I dig it. You really can't go wrong telling someone to be positive. Granted negativity often works well for comedies.
I keep thinking that I need more time to make decisions... that you can't just do something at the drop of a hat. But then I realize that that's how you miss your live. You miss out on your life when you're planning. You just need to make stuff happen, if you want it to happen. Just do it. If other people can do it, (and they can) then you can! So I can too. I can too.
Some people think in duel scripts, therefore they write scripts. I feel much too trapped inside the writer's view writing. I need to expand my brain into other realms, take it to places its never been, introduce it to new people, give it a new scenery to check out, let it breathe different air!
*sigh*
I am stoned again you know. I've been doing that more often recently then I was over the last few years. Sometimes it helps me not think. Sometimes it helps me think more. Today, it's making me trip out on life and all of lifes choices and burdens and [if you will] blessings and well, life.
Let's take for example, my cat, Bjork. I've had her for six whole years now... and now that I am super serious about wanting to leave Utah somehow and someway, I can't help but feel like she is a burden. I love her to death and am SO happy that I have had her for so long. All the days and nights spent cuddling, and petting, and bathing... well, we weren't bathing together. But now a days I'm realizing that she is only 6 or 7 years old!! (I don't know how old she was when I got her) She will probably live for another SIX years!! I will be almost 30 by then! I can't wait that long to start my travels. I'm ready to live my life! I need to do it while I'm young!!!
And back to the holding on thing, I hold on to people way to hard (my cat is considered one of these people). I do realize that someday people that I love aren't going to be around, so I just cling to them (only the good ones) as much as I can while they are still around. I know that someday my cat is going to die, and I will have to accept it. SO why does it almost feel more difficult to give her to someone else, and still visit her occasionally. Worse off, what if I don't find her a good home!!?? Sure my Mom MIGHT take her, but my mom is trying to get herself out of a rut and move around more too! I feel trapped. I need to be freed.
And I will. I will make a decision, I will find somewhere wonderful for my cat to live, and I will get out of Utah, even if it's only for a couple months.
My affirmations. Wonderment's of it just being another type of religion. Granted this one does give me hope and I have seen it work (ish). So I try to keep up on it. Positivity begats positivity. I dig it. You really can't go wrong telling someone to be positive. Granted negativity often works well for comedies.
I keep thinking that I need more time to make decisions... that you can't just do something at the drop of a hat. But then I realize that that's how you miss your live. You miss out on your life when you're planning. You just need to make stuff happen, if you want it to happen. Just do it. If other people can do it, (and they can) then you can! So I can too. I can too.
Some people think in duel scripts, therefore they write scripts. I feel much too trapped inside the writer's view writing. I need to expand my brain into other realms, take it to places its never been, introduce it to new people, give it a new scenery to check out, let it breathe different air!
*sigh*
I am stoned again you know. I've been doing that more often recently then I was over the last few years. Sometimes it helps me not think. Sometimes it helps me think more. Today, it's making me trip out on life and all of lifes choices and burdens and [if you will] blessings and well, life.