*the brightest little firefly in your jar*
I've been trying to find a nice neat way to tie things together. Perhaps an idiosynchratic summary of events, a plea or petition from my floading heart, a sappy "Oh, how I'm going to miss this" post.
You know it's the end of the semester when kids who usually never change out of pajamas walk through campus with collared shirts, shiny shoes and gelled hair. And when finding a free computer in the library becomes a sport, of sorts.
I'm at my two week threshold. I'm allowed to cry. I'm allowed to stare into space. I'm allowed to let the feelings take over. And they are.
one project, one paper, two exams, and I'm done.
No more College at Brockport State University of New York. No more liberal arts courses. No more Creative Writing. No more PR (one thing I can handle). No more high-rises. No more state workers leaning out of decaled trucks, waving, yelling my name. No more hugs from cleaners - the least paid, the hardest workers. No more suite. No more pink chair. No more Sweet Potato. No more mini-refridgerator. That life-giving card with my picture on it- I'll start a new scrap book.
No more grand pianos, dance studios, canal, field by the woods. No more Karen. No more vegetable lady. No more late night/early morning chats with the girls I've shared my heart and my life with the last 3 1/2 years.
I'm going to go. I'm going to hug these bodies, ache as I feel these souls, let the tears pour, whisper I love you's, spend a few more transparent hours in hartwell, a few more indescribable, spontaneous nights with these people I love, and then I'm going to walk away. I don't know where I'm going, but I'm going. And I'm going with Promises:
"I'm going to cause you to be one who is like a lantern to many people, full of the oil and the annointing of God, full of the presence of God...I'm going to use you to be one that speaks words of hope...that leads people unto their Savior...I'm going to use you as a worshipper in my house...I'm going to cause you to have healing flow from your hands concerning those who have been disappointed and those who have been wounded and those that have been broken...I'm going to cause you to have an anointing to be a strength and a word of life and bring light unto those that are in darkness and those that have been wounded and broken...I'm going to cause you to be one who is successful in both the natural and the spiritual. I'm going to cause your words to have influence...I will situate you in a place where people will begin to notice that there is something different about you...I would have you to know that I have a plan for you even in your future adventures in the Kingdom of the Lord...there will be seasons and doors that I will open up to you...you will say Lord could it be that I would go to this land, or go to that land..there will be opportunities for you and you will go with a team on some occassions and God will use you in the realm of worship, there's an anointing...you're going to bloom in the things of the Lord and there's going to come a greater confidence and a greater expression of all that you have inside you...I have a plan for you and for your future.. you shall not walk alone, I have a plan. You need to trust me...and you're going to stand with new strength, you're going to stand in new courage, you're going to accomplish things and finish things that you thought you never could. matter of fact, you're really beneath your potential. even what you're trying to do right now and what you've planned to do, it's beneath your potential. There's so much more in you, young lady, and so much more the Lord wants to do with you...you're not going to fail, you're going to succeed. You believe the word of the Lord, and you're going to see the good things of God turn around for you..."
and so I hold out for the promises, pressing forward with a fresh tenacity in both my spirit and my heart, unmatched in any other season of my life up until this point. I don't know how to say goodbye, but I feel as though it's happening for me, teaching me along the way whether I knew how before or not. Loose ends are finding their places. I sense my heart moving forward. Even now, as my mind tries desperately to memorize faces, voices, mannerisms, expressions, there's an oddly peaceful sense of appreciative finality in everything I do. My head is throbbing and I don't know how to process it all, and yet I'm processing.
Ah, I have loved. And I have been loved.
I have given and I have received, far more than I expected of both.
I have been confused, lonely, utterly crushed, but not once have I been abandoned. I have sensed God's gaze as He's looked intently upon my life. For 3 1/2 years. In the moments none will know of, He was there. I'm not crazy, but I am in love.
I have been blessed.. so, so blessed. Coming to Brockport changed my life. To think about who I was then in relation to who I am now makes my head spin. I do not understand God. I don't. I don't know why certain things have to happen; why the greatest growth seems to come with the most pain and the greatest discomfort. But I am amazed.
I am overwhelmed.
I have very few words.
But oh, my silences are full. It is in the silences that I have said the most these past few days.
Dear Brockport,
Listen to my silence. Hear my silence. Feel my silence, and know that there is so much left to say, so much more to express and to release. I will leave with things unsaid, unexpressed, unknown and unacknowledged. But know that my heart has been filled here. And as I walk away, I'm leaving trails...trails inspired by a number of people, of situations, of words and tunes and moments...
I do believe,
it is time to paint the world.