soy chai.
"Most people, Kamala, are like a falling leaf, which drifts and turns in the air, and sways, and zigzagzs to the ground. But others, just a few, are like stars; they travel a fixed route, no wind reaches them; their law and their route lie within themselves." -Herman Hesse, Siddhartha
In this sense, I feel a star; a star who can't help but be a star, but sometimes looks at the leaves and wonders just what it might be like to float, to sway, to zigzag, and to barely realize it's happening.
Bill Johnson says "it's a perversion of true holiness when introspection causes my spiritual self-esteem to increase, but my effectiveness in demonstrating the power of the gospel to decrease" (When Heaven Invades Earth)
I've stood here and wondered how it was possible for her to recognize my devotion, to experience my love, to say, "I can tell, He's a part of you", followed by "but it doesn't make me want what you have."
Bill Johnson says "People admire those who have religious disciplines. They applaud fasting and respect those who embrace poverty or endure disease for the sake of personal spirituality. But show them a life filled with joy because of the transforming power of God, and they will not only applaud but will want to be like you."
I'll never forget that night on the front porch, leaning into the aging white rails..
See, I think that's just it, I'll never forget. I'll never forget most of it, of all of it. Even now, I have flash-backs. Flash-backs to the moments that crushed me, flash-backs to the laughter that made my stomach ache, flash-backs to the pains in my chest, flash-backs to the carefree, barefoot moments that swept me away like no others..
I have flash-backs and when one comes, they all seem to come. But every time there are more, every time there are moments I had almost forgotten; the good, the bad, the incredible, the horrible, they come flooding back.
And I get lost in myself.
And I wonder what it would be like not to feel, not to remember and re-live.
My movements and self-awareness proffessor told me I have an extremely large range: of energy and emotion. It's true. I wonder what it would be like not to. I wonder what it would be like to be even..consistent..predictable..
I don't want it, but sometimes I think it would be a whole lot easier on my heart.
As for my effectiveness in demonstrating the power of the gospel..
The world has heard too many gospels. The world has been told too many "truths". The one thing that can set Truth apart from truth is power. And it's the one thing I've left out. And the one thing more contagious and longed for than most anything else, save perhaps love, is joy. In my retreat within myself I have allowed myself to displace joy with introspection.