last day of college, like any other day...
okay. it was the last day of college today. like any other day with less poeple.
Reflections on the Last Two Years
I remember bits of my first day. But not the whole day, much like the first year of college: bits. i walked in through big brown doors and into the quad to find a huge herd of people. intimidating as it was i somehow managed to hold my place in line to find my form room.
looking back i could have gone the other way. when i was in that room there was only one familiar face. Anisha. i hated her so much at school and i wasn't going to change my mind in that room. i barely spoke to her. first impressions always stick with you. she's now doing a third year at Newham's most ridiculous excuse for a college.
Today, the 25th of May, my brothers birthday. i've taken about four different pictures with four different set of people. they all remember their two years. But i can't remember much. the first year is pretty much a big blur. i don't remember doing much last year. but everyone seems to. taking pictures with Hamz this morning and then spending lunch with Abs. its a bit weird because although they're my friends i still don't feel like that. it took me five years to love Sam, and i don't think i could ever say the same for the college gang. its gonna take longer this time. i'm less open, less trusting and i care less.
this time last Friday i was in my bathroom crying my eyes out. trying to forget that wanker's hand on my chest on the bus. i can't actually remember much about that. i guess my brain understands that its something i'd rather forget....
my short story isn't going very far. i have almost two pages. and now i'm stuck because i can't seem to communicate how i feel every time i see Mr. FitBloke or his prodigy... and i can just feel the shit come. its coming and now i've got nowhere to run. Okay so Mr. FitBloke has lost interest, that's probably because he got himself a girlfriend. one that can actually leave her house and drive and he can hang out with. i can't do much. his prodigy also has a girlfriend. she's the cream of the crop. what you'd expect.
this morning i forgot to take my bag and my oyster ran out. i was so stupid that i forgot to top up enough. i got to college and realised i had to carry these moderately large peices of hardboard home. with no bag and no bus i had to get a cab. £8. fuck. i was just put out. well i wasn't, my daddy was because well i have no money.
i've been so down lately for all the wrong reasons. the thought of not getting out of this dump is whats making me depressed. there's just no way out of this hell whole. and my fucking 'genius' brothers are so full of shit....
"... till i'm crabbing my hair and i'm tearing it out, cos they're driving me crazy..."
either change yourself or you won't make it here or anywhere. they hold me back or rather the name holds me back and i'm forced to be the little girl whose every ones bitch and house maid and i just don't for the shit in me care anymore.
its like this knot in my gut and i can't scream to let it out and i can't pull at it without falling apart and its just so aggravating and i feel like the world passing me by just like i did for the whole of my first year of college. thats all i remember about the first year of college, watching everyone and everything pass me by whilst i sat and watched the canteen clear out.... i just used to sit there and watch...
"...Cause since birth I've been cursed with this curse..."
Reflections on the Last Two Years
I remember bits of my first day. But not the whole day, much like the first year of college: bits. i walked in through big brown doors and into the quad to find a huge herd of people. intimidating as it was i somehow managed to hold my place in line to find my form room.
looking back i could have gone the other way. when i was in that room there was only one familiar face. Anisha. i hated her so much at school and i wasn't going to change my mind in that room. i barely spoke to her. first impressions always stick with you. she's now doing a third year at Newham's most ridiculous excuse for a college.
Today, the 25th of May, my brothers birthday. i've taken about four different pictures with four different set of people. they all remember their two years. But i can't remember much. the first year is pretty much a big blur. i don't remember doing much last year. but everyone seems to. taking pictures with Hamz this morning and then spending lunch with Abs. its a bit weird because although they're my friends i still don't feel like that. it took me five years to love Sam, and i don't think i could ever say the same for the college gang. its gonna take longer this time. i'm less open, less trusting and i care less.
this time last Friday i was in my bathroom crying my eyes out. trying to forget that wanker's hand on my chest on the bus. i can't actually remember much about that. i guess my brain understands that its something i'd rather forget....
my short story isn't going very far. i have almost two pages. and now i'm stuck because i can't seem to communicate how i feel every time i see Mr. FitBloke or his prodigy... and i can just feel the shit come. its coming and now i've got nowhere to run. Okay so Mr. FitBloke has lost interest, that's probably because he got himself a girlfriend. one that can actually leave her house and drive and he can hang out with. i can't do much. his prodigy also has a girlfriend. she's the cream of the crop. what you'd expect.
this morning i forgot to take my bag and my oyster ran out. i was so stupid that i forgot to top up enough. i got to college and realised i had to carry these moderately large peices of hardboard home. with no bag and no bus i had to get a cab. £8. fuck. i was just put out. well i wasn't, my daddy was because well i have no money.
i've been so down lately for all the wrong reasons. the thought of not getting out of this dump is whats making me depressed. there's just no way out of this hell whole. and my fucking 'genius' brothers are so full of shit....
"... till i'm crabbing my hair and i'm tearing it out, cos they're driving me crazy..."
either change yourself or you won't make it here or anywhere. they hold me back or rather the name holds me back and i'm forced to be the little girl whose every ones bitch and house maid and i just don't for the shit in me care anymore.
its like this knot in my gut and i can't scream to let it out and i can't pull at it without falling apart and its just so aggravating and i feel like the world passing me by just like i did for the whole of my first year of college. thats all i remember about the first year of college, watching everyone and everything pass me by whilst i sat and watched the canteen clear out.... i just used to sit there and watch...
"...Cause since birth I've been cursed with this curse..."