Shock and awe (at my own anger)
Sometimes my hostility surprises me.
Today a coworker made a comment that she thought my outfit was cute and all I could think was "Uh, why do you have to comment on how I look. I will note, this is the coworker whose very presence annoys me, so I am extra persnickety about the commentary. As I thought about my reaction I realized that it isn about my relationship to this person. Instead it's about unsolicited commentary, made my people I am not close to, about my hair, make up, jewelry, or clothing.
If I am close to you and you comment? Yay! If I you're a coworker or acquaintance and I ask for feedback on thing in question? Yay! If I post a pic online and you're a total stranger and feel moved to say something? Yay!
My best guess is that this reaction comes from the years of my teens and twenties freakitude. Seriously strangers, my hair color and piercings and hair cuts and outfits were there to make me feel good and to try to get my outside to align with my inside. It may shock you but the way I looked had nothing to do with you. It certainly wasn't done because I thrilled at the weird, offensive, or pushy comments and questions. Exceptions were made for kids, seniors, and the politely curious.
I feel slightly ungrateful for bristling over an innocent, "Oh, look at that outfit, it's really cute!". Sometimes my own capacity to be an asshole is sad, but man, I really like to me left alone most of the time, you know?
Today a coworker made a comment that she thought my outfit was cute and all I could think was "Uh, why do you have to comment on how I look. I will note, this is the coworker whose very presence annoys me, so I am extra persnickety about the commentary. As I thought about my reaction I realized that it isn about my relationship to this person. Instead it's about unsolicited commentary, made my people I am not close to, about my hair, make up, jewelry, or clothing.
If I am close to you and you comment? Yay! If I you're a coworker or acquaintance and I ask for feedback on thing in question? Yay! If I post a pic online and you're a total stranger and feel moved to say something? Yay!
My best guess is that this reaction comes from the years of my teens and twenties freakitude. Seriously strangers, my hair color and piercings and hair cuts and outfits were there to make me feel good and to try to get my outside to align with my inside. It may shock you but the way I looked had nothing to do with you. It certainly wasn't done because I thrilled at the weird, offensive, or pushy comments and questions. Exceptions were made for kids, seniors, and the politely curious.
I feel slightly ungrateful for bristling over an innocent, "Oh, look at that outfit, it's really cute!". Sometimes my own capacity to be an asshole is sad, but man, I really like to me left alone most of the time, you know?