The shopping saga
Just went shopping on my way home and halfway through realised that this made an amusing anecdote that also illustrated quite nicely what it is I mean by "distractibility" and "ADHD-like symptoms" re: parts of executive dysfunction, so I thought I'd share.
There are two things that are very important to keep in mind when you read this: first, I was actually feeling pretty well and relatively spoonful during this, so it actually turned out pretty well. My shopping usually gets much more absurd and leaves me feeling much worse than this.
Second: I went into the store meaning to buy milk.
If you go into the store wanting to buy milk, the obvious thing to do would be to go into the dairy section, right? Instead, I find myself in the vegetable aisle, looking at peppers. They do look very yummy - I am a person who would happily put red peppers into pretty much anything I eat - but this isn't what I'm here for. I should- ooh, is that fresh basil? I keep meaning to buy some to replace the one in my flat that dried up months ago, but never get round to it. Maybe not today, though.
What am I looking for again?
Oh, right, milk.
Why am I all the way over here, anyway?
I go two steps towards the dairy section.
Look, there's meat! They have pork escalopes, if I ever have an excess of spoons and someone who's interested I could try and make Schnitzel sometime. Although in general I am very very bad when it comes to meat. I look at the pork mince and scowl at it. I cooked the day before yesterday and thought I'd go a bit fancier than chopped ham; my pasta sauce ended up yummy except for the meat which was tasteless and chewy. My mum always manages to make mince taste really lovely, I wish I knew how she did it.
Why am I standing in the meat aisle? What am I looking for again?
Oh, right, milk.
On the way to the dairy aisle I pass the ready meals section and am proud of myself for having leftovers from cooking at home and therefore, for once, not needing to buy a ready meal. And in fact because I ended up eating quite late for lunch I'm not even hungry right now so the sight of two little pots of creme brulee does not make me immediately want to buy them. I manage to walk past.
And here's the dairy aisle. Milk obtained!
Now, most people, upon having picked up the thing they meant to get, would probably make their way to the cashier's. I instead wander over to the other side of the aisle. Hmm, there's various sandwich spready things and cheese - do I need anything? What have I got at home? I think I'm pretty sorted, I mean I'd like some mature gouda but they don't sell any here - wait a minute, I don't have bread!
I move in direction of the bread aisle.
Hey, look it's Christmas stuff! It's November, I can start buying things now, I should check that out-
I sternly remind myself that actually, I have checked this out already, and they only have weird British stuff like mince pies and Christmas pudding. The chances of me finding Gewürzspekulatius or in fact any kind of Spekulatius or Dominosteine or Pfeffernüsse or in fact anything I consider Christmas food here is exactly zero; I am going to have to mount an expedition to a Lidl instead. Or start baking, which I should do anyway soon although I'll probably have to bribe someone with the idea of delicious biscuits to use their oven-
What was I looking for again?
Oh right. Bread.
I've overshot the bread aisle and am now in the back of the store - oh, look, they have curry pastes and things - that ginger and lemongrass thai one looks really nice. These always make me feel as if a possible key to eating less #$%&@# ready meals is right in front of me except I don't know how to use it. As things are, because of the unfamiliarity using these things would cost me as many spoons as properly cooking something I'm familiar with and since I enjoy cooking the choice is always clear. I dislike this particular Catch-22.
What was I looking for again?
Oh yeah. Bread.
Amazingly enough, I make it into the bread aisle only briefly getting sidetracked by cookies and manage to pick up muffins. Hooray! Mission accomplished! I could totally go pay for the stuff and leave now, right?
Instead, I end up at the very very back of the store where the juices are. I have no idea why, but since I'm here - I am kind of thirsty, and although the milk's meant for hot chocolate something more hydrating would probably be nice. The big question is what? There's appletiser, which I firmly maintain tastes worse than Apfelschorle but this is probably just a bias since I've had such trouble with fizzy apple juice in Britain. (Appleade. Oh god.) People have suggested I buy apple juice, fizzy water and mix them; sadly because of the way my brain works this would amount to a truly Herculean effort on my part and cost way too many spoons to be worthwhile but I've never really felt like explaining this to people. There's fizzy elderflower juice, which is also good, but there's also the problem that these things are expensive and that the bottles are glass and my flat's already starting to fill up with glass bottles I never quite remember to take outside for recycling. Something I got fond of in the US was ice tea but they don't have any. I quadruple-check (already having checked three times) in case it has sneakily appeared since the last time I checked but no. Sigh.
I end my check near the cordials and, hey, cordials are good! haven't had them in a while! The ginger and lemongrass one tastes like Sprite, but the elderflower one is nice. They are expensive but you can get a lot out of one bottle and so...
I dither for a bit longer, then pick the elderflower cordial. This will give me that and the hot chocolate - wait a minute! Hot chocolate - I meant to buy marshmallows the last time I was here!
I have no idea where the marshmallows are. But! This doesn't matter since even if I did know where they were I wouldn't go in the right direction anyway! Instead, I go strolling down the frozen foods aisle. I haven't been here in a while because my minifridge has a freezer drawer that cannot keep ice cream solid and so there's really no point. I do study the frozen pizzas curiously - I haven't had that kind before and believe me when I say I have eaten a lot of frozen pizza at my time at uni. On the other side of the aisle there's wine and beer and really why am I looking at this given that I don't really like alcohol and hardly ever buy it?
What am I looking for again?
Oh yeah, marshmallows.
It doesn't look like they're down here - let's try the spices aisle. Oooh, spices, mmm, I could check if they have ground cardamom because I need it if I'm going to make Spekulatius except that I've never found it in ground form in Britain... nope. Three different brands of cardamom pods, though. Mortar and pestle it is. And ooh, I totally forgot I ran out of oregano, I can pick up a refill here. And look! Mulled wine spices! I could make Kinderpunsch with that if I could remember how, I forgot what kind of fruit juice you use. Maybe they'll have a nonalcoholic version of the recipe on the packet?
They do but it says to use cranberry juice. I'm preeeetty sure my recipe didn't use cranberry juice, and besides I don't even like cranberry juice. Bah.
...hey, how about this, I just try making it with my favourite kind of juice, namely apple and raspberry? That's sort of a red juice and it's combining two of my favourite things, I'm sure it'll taste good.
This means I'm going to have to put the elderflower cordial back though because I'm not planning to drink that much. Okay. Let's go do that.
Wait a minute. I was looking for something. What was I looking for again?
...I can't remember.
(Cue an instant of complete and utter panic where I realise I actually have no idea what the hell it is I'm doing and I am going to be standing frozen on the floor in Sainsbury's until I manage to dig this out of my memory-)
Marshmallows! Of course!
...and so on and so forth.
My haul when I finally managed to make it to a cashier consisted of:
1 litre milk
1 litre apple and raspberry juice
1 sachet mulled wine spices
1 sachet oregano
1 packet marshmallows
4 muffins
4 rolls toilet paper
Let us remember, again: for me this is a good day. Usually there's a lot more dithering, redecision, taking things back, going in the wrong direction, forgetting what it is I'm looking for even more frequently and almost ending up crying in the middle of the store.
And: I went in meaning to buy only milk.
On a more serious note, this does have some real repercussions on my life: obviously, that I need a lot of time to go shopping (lol), but also that I really really need shops that are big with wide aisles and relatively few people. Feeling crowded in stores is extremely draining which makes my distractibility issues and decision making issues even worse which means I spend more time wandering around in a daze not sure what it is I'm looking for or where I'm going which means more time being crowded and there are some extremely nasty vicious circles that develop this way, so I need a lot of space and I essentially can't go shopping in any kind of busy period. Also, I can't handle any kind of shop that's small enough that I feel as if the employees might be paying attention to me or what it is I'm doing, because I know that if you actually track where I go my behaviour is really odd and the idea of someone watching me going "wtf is she doing" makes me feel awful and humiliated. I also generally quite dislike going shopping with other people because I'll either end up feeling really rushed and uncomfortable when I follow them or really embarrassed at how I wander if they're following me.
It does make for somewhat hilarious stories though?
ETA: editing long after the fact - it occurs to me that I have the perfect physics-jokey name for this: Heisenberg shopping, i.e. I either know what I am looking for or where I am going but never both at the same time.
There are two things that are very important to keep in mind when you read this: first, I was actually feeling pretty well and relatively spoonful during this, so it actually turned out pretty well. My shopping usually gets much more absurd and leaves me feeling much worse than this.
Second: I went into the store meaning to buy milk.
If you go into the store wanting to buy milk, the obvious thing to do would be to go into the dairy section, right? Instead, I find myself in the vegetable aisle, looking at peppers. They do look very yummy - I am a person who would happily put red peppers into pretty much anything I eat - but this isn't what I'm here for. I should- ooh, is that fresh basil? I keep meaning to buy some to replace the one in my flat that dried up months ago, but never get round to it. Maybe not today, though.
What am I looking for again?
Oh, right, milk.
Why am I all the way over here, anyway?
I go two steps towards the dairy section.
Look, there's meat! They have pork escalopes, if I ever have an excess of spoons and someone who's interested I could try and make Schnitzel sometime. Although in general I am very very bad when it comes to meat. I look at the pork mince and scowl at it. I cooked the day before yesterday and thought I'd go a bit fancier than chopped ham; my pasta sauce ended up yummy except for the meat which was tasteless and chewy. My mum always manages to make mince taste really lovely, I wish I knew how she did it.
Why am I standing in the meat aisle? What am I looking for again?
Oh, right, milk.
On the way to the dairy aisle I pass the ready meals section and am proud of myself for having leftovers from cooking at home and therefore, for once, not needing to buy a ready meal. And in fact because I ended up eating quite late for lunch I'm not even hungry right now so the sight of two little pots of creme brulee does not make me immediately want to buy them. I manage to walk past.
And here's the dairy aisle. Milk obtained!
Now, most people, upon having picked up the thing they meant to get, would probably make their way to the cashier's. I instead wander over to the other side of the aisle. Hmm, there's various sandwich spready things and cheese - do I need anything? What have I got at home? I think I'm pretty sorted, I mean I'd like some mature gouda but they don't sell any here - wait a minute, I don't have bread!
I move in direction of the bread aisle.
Hey, look it's Christmas stuff! It's November, I can start buying things now, I should check that out-
I sternly remind myself that actually, I have checked this out already, and they only have weird British stuff like mince pies and Christmas pudding. The chances of me finding Gewürzspekulatius or in fact any kind of Spekulatius or Dominosteine or Pfeffernüsse or in fact anything I consider Christmas food here is exactly zero; I am going to have to mount an expedition to a Lidl instead. Or start baking, which I should do anyway soon although I'll probably have to bribe someone with the idea of delicious biscuits to use their oven-
What was I looking for again?
Oh right. Bread.
I've overshot the bread aisle and am now in the back of the store - oh, look, they have curry pastes and things - that ginger and lemongrass thai one looks really nice. These always make me feel as if a possible key to eating less #$%&@# ready meals is right in front of me except I don't know how to use it. As things are, because of the unfamiliarity using these things would cost me as many spoons as properly cooking something I'm familiar with and since I enjoy cooking the choice is always clear. I dislike this particular Catch-22.
What was I looking for again?
Oh yeah. Bread.
Amazingly enough, I make it into the bread aisle only briefly getting sidetracked by cookies and manage to pick up muffins. Hooray! Mission accomplished! I could totally go pay for the stuff and leave now, right?
Instead, I end up at the very very back of the store where the juices are. I have no idea why, but since I'm here - I am kind of thirsty, and although the milk's meant for hot chocolate something more hydrating would probably be nice. The big question is what? There's appletiser, which I firmly maintain tastes worse than Apfelschorle but this is probably just a bias since I've had such trouble with fizzy apple juice in Britain. (Appleade. Oh god.) People have suggested I buy apple juice, fizzy water and mix them; sadly because of the way my brain works this would amount to a truly Herculean effort on my part and cost way too many spoons to be worthwhile but I've never really felt like explaining this to people. There's fizzy elderflower juice, which is also good, but there's also the problem that these things are expensive and that the bottles are glass and my flat's already starting to fill up with glass bottles I never quite remember to take outside for recycling. Something I got fond of in the US was ice tea but they don't have any. I quadruple-check (already having checked three times) in case it has sneakily appeared since the last time I checked but no. Sigh.
I end my check near the cordials and, hey, cordials are good! haven't had them in a while! The ginger and lemongrass one tastes like Sprite, but the elderflower one is nice. They are expensive but you can get a lot out of one bottle and so...
I dither for a bit longer, then pick the elderflower cordial. This will give me that and the hot chocolate - wait a minute! Hot chocolate - I meant to buy marshmallows the last time I was here!
I have no idea where the marshmallows are. But! This doesn't matter since even if I did know where they were I wouldn't go in the right direction anyway! Instead, I go strolling down the frozen foods aisle. I haven't been here in a while because my minifridge has a freezer drawer that cannot keep ice cream solid and so there's really no point. I do study the frozen pizzas curiously - I haven't had that kind before and believe me when I say I have eaten a lot of frozen pizza at my time at uni. On the other side of the aisle there's wine and beer and really why am I looking at this given that I don't really like alcohol and hardly ever buy it?
What am I looking for again?
Oh yeah, marshmallows.
It doesn't look like they're down here - let's try the spices aisle. Oooh, spices, mmm, I could check if they have ground cardamom because I need it if I'm going to make Spekulatius except that I've never found it in ground form in Britain... nope. Three different brands of cardamom pods, though. Mortar and pestle it is. And ooh, I totally forgot I ran out of oregano, I can pick up a refill here. And look! Mulled wine spices! I could make Kinderpunsch with that if I could remember how, I forgot what kind of fruit juice you use. Maybe they'll have a nonalcoholic version of the recipe on the packet?
They do but it says to use cranberry juice. I'm preeeetty sure my recipe didn't use cranberry juice, and besides I don't even like cranberry juice. Bah.
...hey, how about this, I just try making it with my favourite kind of juice, namely apple and raspberry? That's sort of a red juice and it's combining two of my favourite things, I'm sure it'll taste good.
This means I'm going to have to put the elderflower cordial back though because I'm not planning to drink that much. Okay. Let's go do that.
Wait a minute. I was looking for something. What was I looking for again?
...I can't remember.
(Cue an instant of complete and utter panic where I realise I actually have no idea what the hell it is I'm doing and I am going to be standing frozen on the floor in Sainsbury's until I manage to dig this out of my memory-)
Marshmallows! Of course!
...and so on and so forth.
My haul when I finally managed to make it to a cashier consisted of:
1 litre milk
1 litre apple and raspberry juice
1 sachet mulled wine spices
1 sachet oregano
1 packet marshmallows
4 muffins
4 rolls toilet paper
Let us remember, again: for me this is a good day. Usually there's a lot more dithering, redecision, taking things back, going in the wrong direction, forgetting what it is I'm looking for even more frequently and almost ending up crying in the middle of the store.
And: I went in meaning to buy only milk.
On a more serious note, this does have some real repercussions on my life: obviously, that I need a lot of time to go shopping (lol), but also that I really really need shops that are big with wide aisles and relatively few people. Feeling crowded in stores is extremely draining which makes my distractibility issues and decision making issues even worse which means I spend more time wandering around in a daze not sure what it is I'm looking for or where I'm going which means more time being crowded and there are some extremely nasty vicious circles that develop this way, so I need a lot of space and I essentially can't go shopping in any kind of busy period. Also, I can't handle any kind of shop that's small enough that I feel as if the employees might be paying attention to me or what it is I'm doing, because I know that if you actually track where I go my behaviour is really odd and the idea of someone watching me going "wtf is she doing" makes me feel awful and humiliated. I also generally quite dislike going shopping with other people because I'll either end up feeling really rushed and uncomfortable when I follow them or really embarrassed at how I wander if they're following me.
It does make for somewhat hilarious stories though?
ETA: editing long after the fact - it occurs to me that I have the perfect physics-jokey name for this: Heisenberg shopping, i.e. I either know what I am looking for or where I am going but never both at the same time.