Boys Want Everything - Chapter 8 Pt 2
So for some reason the last part was too long...I don't think I exceeding the character limit but LJ wasn't pleased so I had to break chapter 8 into two parts. I hope you enjoy!
Merlin spent both Thursday and Friday with Gaius and Geoffrey at the London Library browsing the shelves and reading books on travel, philosophy, and anything else that looked interesting. Gaius had teased him when he found Merlin reading Sartre’s “No Exit” but Merlin had quoted seriously, “Hell is other people” and Gaius had left him to it, telling Merlin to avoid Nietzsche and not to fall into nihilism before the day was over as they had tickets to a comedy show.
On Saturday morning Merlin woke at ten to find Arthur looking through the stack of books he had checked out from the London Library or borrowed from Geoffrey.
“‘The Anthropology of Franz Boas’?” Arthur asked, raising an eyebrow at Merlin who was now blushing. “What’s all this?” He sorted through a few other books and either nodded or frowned when he recognised one of them. “Becoming a scholar now, are you?”
“Gaius’s friend Geoffrey told me I should look in to anthropology,” Merlin muttered. “I was just looking through some of those to see if I like it.”
Arthur shrugged and opened one of the books. “I didn’t know you were interested in humanities or social sciences,” Arthur said, more to himself than to Merlin. “I thought you wanted to do medicine.” He got up and went over to his bookshelf and pulled down a few thin volumes. “You may like those.”
“These are philosophy,” Merlin accused, reading the blurbs on the backs of the books. “Why do you have them?”
Arthur looked amused. “I’m going to Oxford for law.” When Merlin still looked confused Arthur snickered. “I have to read those. What kind of person hoping to read law hasn’t read Moore, Aristotle, or Plato?”
“I’m not going to read law, Arthur; especially not at Oxford!”
Arthur shrugged. “It’ll improve your mind.”
“You’re such a prat,” Merlin said, rolling his eyes before looking through the books. They seemed to be well worn and Merlin wondered how many times they had been read. He and Arthur never discussed school but Merlin was curious and asked, “Did you read these at Eton?”
“Yes,” Arthur answered quietly, “but I’d read them before. My father gave them to me when I was thirteen.”
“They must have been quite a lot to take in,” Merlin said, surprised. When he was thirteen he'd been reading ‘Harry Potter’ or ‘Discworld’, not books about ethics or the perfect society.
“My mind works that way,” Arthur answered, shrugging again.
Merlin hit him with a pillow. “Could you head be any farther up your arse?”
Arthur grinned evilly and launched himself at Merlin, pinning the slender, dark-haired youth to the bed. As Merlin writhed beneath him, trying to shove Arthur off, Arthur said conversationally, “You know, I don’t think being well educated makes me conceited.”
“Get off, you clotpole!” Merlin yelped, though he was laughing at the smirk on Arthur’s face.
“What’ll you do if I don’t?” Arthur asked sweetly. “I don’t think you’re in a position to be making demands.”
Merlin snorted and stopped fighting, half-smiling at Arthur. “Feel good bullying someone smaller than you?”
“Who’s bullying?” Arthur asked, grinning crookedly down at Merlin. “I seem to remember someone else starting this whole thing.”
Merlin rolled his eyes and tried half-heartedly to shake Arthur off again. “Fine, you win.”
Arthur grinned delightedly. “Do I get a prize?”
“Like what?” Merlin asked, raising an eyebrow sceptically.
Arthur’s eyes flicked to Merlin’s mouth and then back up to Merlin’s eyes, his expression wanting but soft. “Can I kiss you?”
Merlin licked his lips and found that he couldn’t look away from Arthur’s face. He knew he could say no and Arthur wouldn’t be upset with him, wouldn’t ask him again or be angry. It surprised him how much he wanted Arthur to kiss him again and he nodded. “Yeah.”
Arthur smiled at Merlin in a way Merlin had never seen and he knew it was a very private, almost shy smile that was reserved specifically for Merlin. “Good,” he whispered, and leaned forward.
Arthur’s lips were soft and his mouth was warm as it slid over Merlin’s. Merlin felt his eyes shut as if of their own accord and he opened his mouth slightly under Arthur’s gentle probing. Arthur’s hands let go of Merlin’s wrists and one came up to cup Merlin’s jaw as the other slid itself under Merlin’s neck and pulled him gently up on the bed so that he and Arthur were in more of a sitting position. Merlin braced himself on the bed so that he could lean forward and meet Arthur at a better angle. He kissed Arthur hard and felt himself pulled almost into Arthur’s lap when he realised-
Merlin gasped and pulled away when he felt the hardness in Arthur’s jeans press against his thigh. “I’m not…”
“Shh,” Arthur said, brushing his thumb against Merlin’s cheek before drawing back. “It’s okay.”
Merlin barely registered that Arthur was panting slightly because he was embarrassed to find that he had grown hard as well and that the front of his pyjama shorts had a very obvious tent. He looked up at Arthur and Arthur smiled at him before kissing Merlin softly on the mouth.
“I’m sorry.”
Arthur pulled back and raised his eyebrows. “For what?” He sighed when Merlin looked away. “Hey, I like you; I’m not just trying to get in your pants.” He looked down at his jeans and tried to will his erection away by thinking about Morgana and Cenred together. “C’mon, I told Lance we’d meet him for lunch and you still need to change and do whatever it is you do that takes you forever to get ready.”
“I’m not a girl!” Merlin protested. “I don’t need to put on makeup or shave my legs.”
Arthur snorted. “I should hope not.” He looked Merlin up and down and commented, “Though you might not look bad with eyeliner.”
Merlin stared at him. “What?”
“Well, you already wear those dark colours and that leather cuff, eyeliner’s the next logical step,” Arthur replied with a shrug.
“I’m not emo,” Merlin snapped, trying not to laugh as he got up and started to change into jeans and a Radiohead t-shirt.
“I just said it wouldn’t look bad,” Arthur argued, grinning at the disbelieving look on Merlin’s face.
“You’re delusional if you think I’m giving you one more reason to call me a girl or some kind of nancy boy,” Merlin retorted.
Arthur stared for a moment before bursting into laughter. “Merlin, you’re truly strange.” He grinned. “I’ve not called you a nancy boy before. It’s not very nice, is it?”
Merlin rolled his eyes. “I’m hungry; can I have breakfast before we meet Lance?”
****
That evening, Merlin and Arthur were alone in the house watching Die Hard on the telly in comfortable silence. They’d spent the majority of the day at Lance’s playing video games before returning to Arthur’s house before dinner and playing the Wii with Morgana and Gwen. Merlin had been surprised at how much Arthur seemed to enjoy the Just Dance game. At first Merlin had thought Arthur was just taking the piss but had then realised that Arthur just couldn’t stand to be bad at anything and was intent on getting the highest score.
After an hour of playing, Morgana had told them that she was going to meet up with Cenred and Gwen had gone home to spend time with her brother.
The film was drawing to a close when Morgana stormed into the house, a furious look on her face as she walked towards her room.
“Bloody hell,” Arthur muttered, jumping to his feet in seconds, his arms around Morgana before she could go into her room and start throwing things. He knew that look on her face better than anyone and he didn’t want her to do anything she would later regret.
“Let go of me, Arthur!” Morgana spat, trying to push her step-brother away.
“No,” Arthur said firmly, trying to make Morgana meet his eyes. He could tell that she was livid and tears were threatening to spill down her cheeks. “What happened? Did Cenred hurt you?”
Morgana stopped fighting him but turned her face to give him a withering look. “He broke it off.” She wrenched out of his grip and let out a harsh laugh, crossing her arms over her chest. “So, no, he didn’t hurt me, he’s just a selfish prick and I wasted my time on him. Go on; tell me you told me so.”
Arthur winced and took a step forward to pull her into an awkward but gentle hug. “I’m sorry,” he said into her hair, forgetting that Merlin was there until he crept quietly from the room and returned a few minutes later with a cup of tea for Morgana.
“Thanks, Merlin,” Morgana said, offering Merlin a watery smile as she took the tea. She nodded once to Arthur and turned to head into her room.
“Don’t break anything, he’s not worth it!” Arthur called after her, laughing when she gave him a two finger salute and shut her door. To Merlin he said, “She’ll be fine. Shall we go upstairs? We can watch something on my laptop; I don’t want to keep her up with the telly.”
Merlin shrugged but followed Arthur upstairs after he’d shut the television off and turned off the lights. They were just settling on Arthur’s bed to find something to watch on the internet when Merlin asked, “Do you think it’s a good thing that Morgana and Cenred are done?”
Arthur nodded. “He wasn’t good enough for her. They’re not going to the same uni, either so it would have ended eventually.”
Merlin felt his stomach drop and shifted away from Arthur. “Yeah, you’re probably right.”
Arthur frowned at Merlin’s tone. “What’s wrong?” He put his hand on Merlin’s shoulder and tried to pull him close. When Merlin pulled away from him Arthur’s frown deepened. “Merlin?”
“What are we doing, Arthur?” Merlin asked quietly, looking over his shoulder at Arthur, his eyes tired. “I mean, what is this?”
Arthur didn’t pretend not to understand. “I like you.”
“But it’s not going to work, is it?” Merlin asked quietly. “How can we even stay friends while you’re at Oxford and I’m…well, who knows where I’ll be! It won’t be Oxford and that’s what matters.”
“I don’t care if you’re at Oxford,” Arthur said fiercely. “I’ll visit you, you can come visit me. We’ll still be friends. Good friends, like we are now.”
“But nothing else?” Merlin sighed. “I can’t be your boyfriend, Arthur.”
“Well, it’s a bit unfair of me to ask that of you,” Arthur told him quietly, sounding slightly wistful. “You’re not out to your family and I can’t be as out as I’d like at Eton. It wouldn’t be what either one of us deserves.” He sighed and fell back against his pillows, his arm covering his face as he said softly, “You don’t want me like that anyway.”
Merlin could hear the insecurities in Arthur’s voice and realised that he’d never seen Arthur so uncertain and close to breaking. Merlin didn’t know what to do to comfort Arthur. The truth was that he was terrified of what Arthur was saying, of the implications of Arthur’s words. Arthur thinking that Merlin didn’t want him let Merlin know that Arthur wanted Merlin as his boyfriend. It was a terrible idea, Merlin knew. It would never work. He bit his lip and swallowed tightly before reaching out to take Arthur’s hand and offer what comfort he could.
“I’m sorry.”
Arthur looked at Merlin sadly. “I know.”
“It’s not that I don’t want you,” Merlin said quickly, realising that Arthur thought that Merlin didn’t return his feelings. “I just - I just can’t. Not yet. I don’t want to ruin this.”
“It’s fine,” Arthur said, pulling his hand out of Merlin’s. After a few excruciatingly long minutes of silence Arthur mumbled, “I wouldn’t stop being your friend, you know. Even if we didn’t work, I’d still be there for you.”
Merlin shook his head, tears that he refused to let fall burning at the back of his eyes. “You don’t know that.”
“You’re right.” Arthur looked away. “I wish you’d trust me.”
“I do!” Merlin replied and the conviction in his voice surprised even him.
Arthur cocked his head to the side and examined Merlin for a minute before shaking his head. “No, you don’t.”
“Arthur, I trust you,” Merlin argued.
“Not enough,” Arthur said, chuckling mirthlessly. “Not enough to take that risk.”
It was Merlin’s turn to look away. He hunched his shoulders, trying not to cry or yell or do any other embarrassing action. Arthur seemed to be holding himself together well enough. If anything, Merlin thought, Arthur was getting angry.
When Merlin didn’t protest again, Arthur said, “I thought so.”
Merlin sighed and repeated, “I’m sorry.”
“No,” Arthur replied, his voice sad, “I am. I’m sorry you don’t trust me enough.” He squeezed Merlin’s shoulder and got off the bed. “I’ll make up the guest room. You should sleep there anyway now that Gwaine’s gone. Let’s go, I’ll help you move your things.”
Merlin nodded jerkily and followed Arthur out of the room with his bag. When they reached the guest room, however, Merlin told Arthur to go away and he closed the door, collapsing onto the unmade bed and wondering if this was the beginning of the end of his friendship with Arthur.
Continue to Chapter 9
Merlin spent both Thursday and Friday with Gaius and Geoffrey at the London Library browsing the shelves and reading books on travel, philosophy, and anything else that looked interesting. Gaius had teased him when he found Merlin reading Sartre’s “No Exit” but Merlin had quoted seriously, “Hell is other people” and Gaius had left him to it, telling Merlin to avoid Nietzsche and not to fall into nihilism before the day was over as they had tickets to a comedy show.
On Saturday morning Merlin woke at ten to find Arthur looking through the stack of books he had checked out from the London Library or borrowed from Geoffrey.
“‘The Anthropology of Franz Boas’?” Arthur asked, raising an eyebrow at Merlin who was now blushing. “What’s all this?” He sorted through a few other books and either nodded or frowned when he recognised one of them. “Becoming a scholar now, are you?”
“Gaius’s friend Geoffrey told me I should look in to anthropology,” Merlin muttered. “I was just looking through some of those to see if I like it.”
Arthur shrugged and opened one of the books. “I didn’t know you were interested in humanities or social sciences,” Arthur said, more to himself than to Merlin. “I thought you wanted to do medicine.” He got up and went over to his bookshelf and pulled down a few thin volumes. “You may like those.”
“These are philosophy,” Merlin accused, reading the blurbs on the backs of the books. “Why do you have them?”
Arthur looked amused. “I’m going to Oxford for law.” When Merlin still looked confused Arthur snickered. “I have to read those. What kind of person hoping to read law hasn’t read Moore, Aristotle, or Plato?”
“I’m not going to read law, Arthur; especially not at Oxford!”
Arthur shrugged. “It’ll improve your mind.”
“You’re such a prat,” Merlin said, rolling his eyes before looking through the books. They seemed to be well worn and Merlin wondered how many times they had been read. He and Arthur never discussed school but Merlin was curious and asked, “Did you read these at Eton?”
“Yes,” Arthur answered quietly, “but I’d read them before. My father gave them to me when I was thirteen.”
“They must have been quite a lot to take in,” Merlin said, surprised. When he was thirteen he'd been reading ‘Harry Potter’ or ‘Discworld’, not books about ethics or the perfect society.
“My mind works that way,” Arthur answered, shrugging again.
Merlin hit him with a pillow. “Could you head be any farther up your arse?”
Arthur grinned evilly and launched himself at Merlin, pinning the slender, dark-haired youth to the bed. As Merlin writhed beneath him, trying to shove Arthur off, Arthur said conversationally, “You know, I don’t think being well educated makes me conceited.”
“Get off, you clotpole!” Merlin yelped, though he was laughing at the smirk on Arthur’s face.
“What’ll you do if I don’t?” Arthur asked sweetly. “I don’t think you’re in a position to be making demands.”
Merlin snorted and stopped fighting, half-smiling at Arthur. “Feel good bullying someone smaller than you?”
“Who’s bullying?” Arthur asked, grinning crookedly down at Merlin. “I seem to remember someone else starting this whole thing.”
Merlin rolled his eyes and tried half-heartedly to shake Arthur off again. “Fine, you win.”
Arthur grinned delightedly. “Do I get a prize?”
“Like what?” Merlin asked, raising an eyebrow sceptically.
Arthur’s eyes flicked to Merlin’s mouth and then back up to Merlin’s eyes, his expression wanting but soft. “Can I kiss you?”
Merlin licked his lips and found that he couldn’t look away from Arthur’s face. He knew he could say no and Arthur wouldn’t be upset with him, wouldn’t ask him again or be angry. It surprised him how much he wanted Arthur to kiss him again and he nodded. “Yeah.”
Arthur smiled at Merlin in a way Merlin had never seen and he knew it was a very private, almost shy smile that was reserved specifically for Merlin. “Good,” he whispered, and leaned forward.
Arthur’s lips were soft and his mouth was warm as it slid over Merlin’s. Merlin felt his eyes shut as if of their own accord and he opened his mouth slightly under Arthur’s gentle probing. Arthur’s hands let go of Merlin’s wrists and one came up to cup Merlin’s jaw as the other slid itself under Merlin’s neck and pulled him gently up on the bed so that he and Arthur were in more of a sitting position. Merlin braced himself on the bed so that he could lean forward and meet Arthur at a better angle. He kissed Arthur hard and felt himself pulled almost into Arthur’s lap when he realised-
Merlin gasped and pulled away when he felt the hardness in Arthur’s jeans press against his thigh. “I’m not…”
“Shh,” Arthur said, brushing his thumb against Merlin’s cheek before drawing back. “It’s okay.”
Merlin barely registered that Arthur was panting slightly because he was embarrassed to find that he had grown hard as well and that the front of his pyjama shorts had a very obvious tent. He looked up at Arthur and Arthur smiled at him before kissing Merlin softly on the mouth.
“I’m sorry.”
Arthur pulled back and raised his eyebrows. “For what?” He sighed when Merlin looked away. “Hey, I like you; I’m not just trying to get in your pants.” He looked down at his jeans and tried to will his erection away by thinking about Morgana and Cenred together. “C’mon, I told Lance we’d meet him for lunch and you still need to change and do whatever it is you do that takes you forever to get ready.”
“I’m not a girl!” Merlin protested. “I don’t need to put on makeup or shave my legs.”
Arthur snorted. “I should hope not.” He looked Merlin up and down and commented, “Though you might not look bad with eyeliner.”
Merlin stared at him. “What?”
“Well, you already wear those dark colours and that leather cuff, eyeliner’s the next logical step,” Arthur replied with a shrug.
“I’m not emo,” Merlin snapped, trying not to laugh as he got up and started to change into jeans and a Radiohead t-shirt.
“I just said it wouldn’t look bad,” Arthur argued, grinning at the disbelieving look on Merlin’s face.
“You’re delusional if you think I’m giving you one more reason to call me a girl or some kind of nancy boy,” Merlin retorted.
Arthur stared for a moment before bursting into laughter. “Merlin, you’re truly strange.” He grinned. “I’ve not called you a nancy boy before. It’s not very nice, is it?”
Merlin rolled his eyes. “I’m hungry; can I have breakfast before we meet Lance?”
****
That evening, Merlin and Arthur were alone in the house watching Die Hard on the telly in comfortable silence. They’d spent the majority of the day at Lance’s playing video games before returning to Arthur’s house before dinner and playing the Wii with Morgana and Gwen. Merlin had been surprised at how much Arthur seemed to enjoy the Just Dance game. At first Merlin had thought Arthur was just taking the piss but had then realised that Arthur just couldn’t stand to be bad at anything and was intent on getting the highest score.
After an hour of playing, Morgana had told them that she was going to meet up with Cenred and Gwen had gone home to spend time with her brother.
The film was drawing to a close when Morgana stormed into the house, a furious look on her face as she walked towards her room.
“Bloody hell,” Arthur muttered, jumping to his feet in seconds, his arms around Morgana before she could go into her room and start throwing things. He knew that look on her face better than anyone and he didn’t want her to do anything she would later regret.
“Let go of me, Arthur!” Morgana spat, trying to push her step-brother away.
“No,” Arthur said firmly, trying to make Morgana meet his eyes. He could tell that she was livid and tears were threatening to spill down her cheeks. “What happened? Did Cenred hurt you?”
Morgana stopped fighting him but turned her face to give him a withering look. “He broke it off.” She wrenched out of his grip and let out a harsh laugh, crossing her arms over her chest. “So, no, he didn’t hurt me, he’s just a selfish prick and I wasted my time on him. Go on; tell me you told me so.”
Arthur winced and took a step forward to pull her into an awkward but gentle hug. “I’m sorry,” he said into her hair, forgetting that Merlin was there until he crept quietly from the room and returned a few minutes later with a cup of tea for Morgana.
“Thanks, Merlin,” Morgana said, offering Merlin a watery smile as she took the tea. She nodded once to Arthur and turned to head into her room.
“Don’t break anything, he’s not worth it!” Arthur called after her, laughing when she gave him a two finger salute and shut her door. To Merlin he said, “She’ll be fine. Shall we go upstairs? We can watch something on my laptop; I don’t want to keep her up with the telly.”
Merlin shrugged but followed Arthur upstairs after he’d shut the television off and turned off the lights. They were just settling on Arthur’s bed to find something to watch on the internet when Merlin asked, “Do you think it’s a good thing that Morgana and Cenred are done?”
Arthur nodded. “He wasn’t good enough for her. They’re not going to the same uni, either so it would have ended eventually.”
Merlin felt his stomach drop and shifted away from Arthur. “Yeah, you’re probably right.”
Arthur frowned at Merlin’s tone. “What’s wrong?” He put his hand on Merlin’s shoulder and tried to pull him close. When Merlin pulled away from him Arthur’s frown deepened. “Merlin?”
“What are we doing, Arthur?” Merlin asked quietly, looking over his shoulder at Arthur, his eyes tired. “I mean, what is this?”
Arthur didn’t pretend not to understand. “I like you.”
“But it’s not going to work, is it?” Merlin asked quietly. “How can we even stay friends while you’re at Oxford and I’m…well, who knows where I’ll be! It won’t be Oxford and that’s what matters.”
“I don’t care if you’re at Oxford,” Arthur said fiercely. “I’ll visit you, you can come visit me. We’ll still be friends. Good friends, like we are now.”
“But nothing else?” Merlin sighed. “I can’t be your boyfriend, Arthur.”
“Well, it’s a bit unfair of me to ask that of you,” Arthur told him quietly, sounding slightly wistful. “You’re not out to your family and I can’t be as out as I’d like at Eton. It wouldn’t be what either one of us deserves.” He sighed and fell back against his pillows, his arm covering his face as he said softly, “You don’t want me like that anyway.”
Merlin could hear the insecurities in Arthur’s voice and realised that he’d never seen Arthur so uncertain and close to breaking. Merlin didn’t know what to do to comfort Arthur. The truth was that he was terrified of what Arthur was saying, of the implications of Arthur’s words. Arthur thinking that Merlin didn’t want him let Merlin know that Arthur wanted Merlin as his boyfriend. It was a terrible idea, Merlin knew. It would never work. He bit his lip and swallowed tightly before reaching out to take Arthur’s hand and offer what comfort he could.
“I’m sorry.”
Arthur looked at Merlin sadly. “I know.”
“It’s not that I don’t want you,” Merlin said quickly, realising that Arthur thought that Merlin didn’t return his feelings. “I just - I just can’t. Not yet. I don’t want to ruin this.”
“It’s fine,” Arthur said, pulling his hand out of Merlin’s. After a few excruciatingly long minutes of silence Arthur mumbled, “I wouldn’t stop being your friend, you know. Even if we didn’t work, I’d still be there for you.”
Merlin shook his head, tears that he refused to let fall burning at the back of his eyes. “You don’t know that.”
“You’re right.” Arthur looked away. “I wish you’d trust me.”
“I do!” Merlin replied and the conviction in his voice surprised even him.
Arthur cocked his head to the side and examined Merlin for a minute before shaking his head. “No, you don’t.”
“Arthur, I trust you,” Merlin argued.
“Not enough,” Arthur said, chuckling mirthlessly. “Not enough to take that risk.”
It was Merlin’s turn to look away. He hunched his shoulders, trying not to cry or yell or do any other embarrassing action. Arthur seemed to be holding himself together well enough. If anything, Merlin thought, Arthur was getting angry.
When Merlin didn’t protest again, Arthur said, “I thought so.”
Merlin sighed and repeated, “I’m sorry.”
“No,” Arthur replied, his voice sad, “I am. I’m sorry you don’t trust me enough.” He squeezed Merlin’s shoulder and got off the bed. “I’ll make up the guest room. You should sleep there anyway now that Gwaine’s gone. Let’s go, I’ll help you move your things.”
Merlin nodded jerkily and followed Arthur out of the room with his bag. When they reached the guest room, however, Merlin told Arthur to go away and he closed the door, collapsing onto the unmade bed and wondering if this was the beginning of the end of his friendship with Arthur.
Continue to Chapter 9