Every Day I Write the Book
I know I start so many blogs with something along the lines of "I've been wanting to write this down for a while." There are so many things that I wish I could make more of a habit of - especially lately. I wish I had time to write more blogs, I wish I had time to go to yoga, I wish I could... I wish I could. But most of all, I realize that the reason I am not having time to do these things is because I have a five-month-old daughter who I just want to stare at most of the time. I still can't believe she's really here - that she's really mine.
The emotional upheaval caused by becoming a mom has tapered off slightly - I guess because of the zoloft. But it's still rough seas. I had a friend say it took her a good year and several "nervous breakdowns" to get settled in. All my internal responses to that were "well, I'm not gonna do that. I'm not gonna have a bunch of nervous breakdowns." Well, chalk two off the list. One long one that led me to the doctor and getting on zoloft - and a short one yesterday. I cried like Diane whatserface in something's gotta give.
Life has completely changed - whether or not I want to deal with how much it's changed is the question, I guess. And I'm not saying I don't want to. I'm saying that I keep thinking, like I did when I was preggers, that there's going to come a day where the old me just returns. And here I sit, waiting for that day, going through the motions until then. Until I get more sleep, until I get my groove, until I stop feeling all this pressure to be super mom (something else I simply told myself I wasn't going to feel - nope, not me).
Yet here I sit, textbook anxiety, textbook supermom-itis, textbook normal stuff after having your first baby, I am sure. And then count in the fact that my stepmom and my dad got divorced and my husband quit his job (which I am so glad for, but it still mega change) - and I just...
*sigh*
I want to run and hide. So yesterday when the stepmom asked me if I've been feeling okay because I've seemed so different and she feels "left out" (and this was after my mom told me she felt "left out" over the weekend) - I collapsed.
I am so tired. I am so stressed I sleep with my teeth clenched and my shoulders by my ears. And I feel so overwhelmed. The zoloft helps me sleep. It keeps me from feeling depressed and it mostly keeps the overwhelming anxiety away - but right now, I am awash again.
I keep telling myself this is normal. Rational me knows it through and through. But knowing that it's normal doesn't mean I'm not feeling it. Doesn't mean I shouldn't deal with these feelings somehow. Acceptance maybe? Acceptance that this is how things are going to be - for a while? for a year or two or three?
It's funny that I feel crying and "letting it out" is a sign of "weakness." And I would never think that in someone else. It's a standard I only hold to myself. Was it my parents? Was I born with it? Was it the divorce(s)? Who cares, I guess. I just need to work through it. Set new goals, as it were. The goals I had set before for myself no longer seem to apply anymore, and currently, I am adrift while I figure out what the new ones are (goals not relating to bb h, that is. those are obvious). No - I am talking about MY goals. Short-term, Long-term, you name it. maybe I can do that in my next blog. Try to end this negative one on a positive note.
Set new goals.
Until next time...
The emotional upheaval caused by becoming a mom has tapered off slightly - I guess because of the zoloft. But it's still rough seas. I had a friend say it took her a good year and several "nervous breakdowns" to get settled in. All my internal responses to that were "well, I'm not gonna do that. I'm not gonna have a bunch of nervous breakdowns." Well, chalk two off the list. One long one that led me to the doctor and getting on zoloft - and a short one yesterday. I cried like Diane whatserface in something's gotta give.
Life has completely changed - whether or not I want to deal with how much it's changed is the question, I guess. And I'm not saying I don't want to. I'm saying that I keep thinking, like I did when I was preggers, that there's going to come a day where the old me just returns. And here I sit, waiting for that day, going through the motions until then. Until I get more sleep, until I get my groove, until I stop feeling all this pressure to be super mom (something else I simply told myself I wasn't going to feel - nope, not me).
Yet here I sit, textbook anxiety, textbook supermom-itis, textbook normal stuff after having your first baby, I am sure. And then count in the fact that my stepmom and my dad got divorced and my husband quit his job (which I am so glad for, but it still mega change) - and I just...
*sigh*
I want to run and hide. So yesterday when the stepmom asked me if I've been feeling okay because I've seemed so different and she feels "left out" (and this was after my mom told me she felt "left out" over the weekend) - I collapsed.
I am so tired. I am so stressed I sleep with my teeth clenched and my shoulders by my ears. And I feel so overwhelmed. The zoloft helps me sleep. It keeps me from feeling depressed and it mostly keeps the overwhelming anxiety away - but right now, I am awash again.
I keep telling myself this is normal. Rational me knows it through and through. But knowing that it's normal doesn't mean I'm not feeling it. Doesn't mean I shouldn't deal with these feelings somehow. Acceptance maybe? Acceptance that this is how things are going to be - for a while? for a year or two or three?
It's funny that I feel crying and "letting it out" is a sign of "weakness." And I would never think that in someone else. It's a standard I only hold to myself. Was it my parents? Was I born with it? Was it the divorce(s)? Who cares, I guess. I just need to work through it. Set new goals, as it were. The goals I had set before for myself no longer seem to apply anymore, and currently, I am adrift while I figure out what the new ones are (goals not relating to bb h, that is. those are obvious). No - I am talking about MY goals. Short-term, Long-term, you name it. maybe I can do that in my next blog. Try to end this negative one on a positive note.
Set new goals.
Until next time...