Homestuck fic: Say, Lady, the Tentacles Ain't Half Bad
Pairing: Grimdark!Rose/Jade
Characters: Grimdark!Rose (Rose Lalonde), dogtier!Jade (Jade Harley), Davesprite
Rating: R for grimdark cunnilingus
Word Count: 1,742
Set toward the end of the three years on the ship.
Say, Lady, the Tentacles Ain't Half Bad
There is a new scent on this ship! You sniff and sniff and lope through the decks. The scent is spicy and dank and tickles the tender moist inside of your noisicle and really it is a VERY RUDE SMELL. The smell gets more fulsome and pushy the deeper into the ship you go, until it is mixing up with all the steel-magick-shaving-cream smell of the hold and there is a hint of brine cutting through, and something rotting like split-open bodies left out in puddles. It is a tiny bit delicious.
(You would never admit that to your sweet human friends, of course.)
You swoop down a stairway submarine-style, arms hooked over the railing (skirt flying out just a teensy bit) and stop at the bottom. You hear something. Something small and frightened and not too far off.
"geez lady, i'd say you're handsy but that's a bit of a stretch. get it? a stretch-ow!"
OH
NO
With smelling and hearing you now know exactly where this intruder is and you zippity-zap yourself there and BARK BARK BARK!
There is a TERRIBLE GRIMDARK LADY threatening Davesprite! She is glowing and has a lot of tentacles which she is curling and uncurling and slithering all over Davesprite and one tentacle
one very bold and presumptuous tentacle
is tangled in his tailio.
"woah ursula chill your magics i've decided i don't want human legs after all," says Davesprite, flapping as hard as he can to get away (he is sort of going in circles; it is very sad and a little bit cute) and hacking away with his shiny katana. "i need my voice for rapping and the ladies really dig the tailio."
(You blush. You didn't think he had noticed that.)
"krxs sdfgldf otiuerex," says the terrible grimdark lady. Her voice sounds like a thousand fingernails scraping down a chalkboard, and also like a howler monkey, and also like the glurp-glurp-glurp of really thick and stinky mud.
You shrink Davesprite and teleport him inside a shiny golden birdcage and hang it up in the corner. A fight like this is no place for such a cutiepie! He did a pretty good job, though. There are a lot of severed tentacles lying around, leaking black goo and twitching. He was so brave and heroic to save you years ago, when you were a sad girl-ghostie-sprite, but now you have very sharp teeth and green sparkly bits and you like to do all the protecting.
Davesprite whines about how unfair that is. You are very sympathetic-you used to complain about Becquerel ALL THE TIME-but nowadays you just can't help yourself! You guess you are trying to make up for that time you accidentally shot Dave. You still feel really bad about that.
And now this awful person is being mean to Davesprite, and that makes you really mad! You bare your teeth and clench your hands into fists.
"jade, that's rose," says Davesprite. He knocks his katana against the bars of the cage. "don't kill her, dude. she's wacked out on horrorterror kool-aid or something but she's still rose."
Your ears prick up. "Rose?" you say, and sniff the air. The grimdark smell is nearly overpowering, but your nose is super-good, and yes, there is a tiny bit of Rose-scent.
(There is no smell of roses, though; Rose would not appreciate a cliche like that!)
You stare at the grimdark lady's face and it is pretty, like really really pretty, with black lipstick and a two little slits of lavender eyes.
"Oh my gosh!" you say. "It is Rose! I've missed you so much!"
"xgwtwe xlsdoitry assdfhp," says Rose. She is still speaking with that awful grimdark voice but now that you are paying attention, you can tell that it's a little sarcastic. She lashes out with a tentacle and slaps you on the cheek, REALLY HARD.
"oh my god am i about to witness an honest to god chickfight," says Davesprite.
"I don't want to hurt you, Rose," you say. "But you are being really mean and that's not allowed!"
Rose lashes out with another tentacle and PULLS YOUR HAIR.
"jesus christ on a cracker where the hell is the video function on my iShades," says Davesprite.
"Okay THAT'S IT," you say, and you HERO-LEAP right at Rose! You slam into her and the two of you go tumbling across the deck and into the bulkhead. Her tentacles flail all over the place, trying to push you off or tie you up or maybe both things at once. She is a little slimy and she's squeezing you too hard. You punch and kick, but it doesn't do much good. You are TRAPPED. She is pushing you down, down, to where her legs used to be, and where, if she were an octopus, she would have a mouth with a really sharp beak.
But that also means that one of the sliced-off tentacles ends up within reach of your mouth, and so you BITE IT.
Rose screams, and her tentacles spasm and squeeze you so hard you might POP but you keep gnawing and gnawing on that tentacle. It is oozing black goo from the exposed inside like a Gusher. It's actually really yummy, raw and fetid with a fishy aftertaste, and it is soooooo chewy, so much fun between your teeth! And there is a little dab of orangey-sweet from Dave's katana (it is always a little sticky when he pulls it out of his torso) and that is a perfect garnish, like lemon zest on a lamb chop.
More black goo oozes out, warm and sticky from Rose's inside, and you lick-lick-lick it all up. The tentacle stump squirms and quivers. You have to be QUICK and DEXTROUS too keep ahold of it. What a fun game!
"qoitre sadgfagot xxcvqwqu," says Rose, quieter and less screechy than before. The grimdark voice is actually kind of nice to listen to, with a sort of melody to it, although the satanic gibberish is getting old. You miss Rose's normal way of talking. She's so smart and eloquent and you love all the poety things she says.
Dave is really good with words, too, which makes sense because they are ECTOSIBLINGS, but that also makes it even sadder that they were fighting earlier.
It's okay now, though, because Rose has calmed down a lot. The tentacles are looser than they were before, curling around you in a BIG HUG and a couple of the really tiny tendrils are playing with your ears and it feels super good. You just want to roll over and let her tickle you all over. So you do!
"wait this isn't what i wanted. i thought it was but once again the brain-damaged fantasy of a teenage nitwit is soul-achingly disturbing when translated into reality. this is why some video games get banned. this is sick and nasty," says Davesprite. "it's not even sicknasty. this is some straight-up ecchi shit. for reals."
"We're having fun!" you say. The tentacle stump pokes at your cheek, and you give it a little lick so it doesn't feel neglected. "Don't be so mean! Maybe if you were nicer she wouldn't have tried to kill you!"
"maybe i'm the only one here who isn't a complete freak. and keep in mind that i'm fucking orange. i'm an ectoplasmic oompa-loompa and this shit is too cray for me."
You roll your eyes. Dave can be so dramatic sometimes! And he likes to talk a lot, even when no-one is paying attention.
"what you're doing right now would get you banned from the plush rump message boards and i don't even want to tell you about the twisted shenanigans that don't get banned. jade, she just put a grimdark tentacle up your skirt. that can't be sanitary. you're gonna get horrorterror herpes."
"Calm down, Dave, it feels really good!" you say. "It's better than playing Frisbee! You should do this with your tailio sometime."
Dave turns away and wraps his tailio around his waist and head until his ears are all covered up and he looks like a squishy spirally basketball with wings sticking out. It is very cute, but you don't think he is going to talk to you anymore.
Well, that's just fine because you have OTHER PRIORITIES. You turn back to the tentacle stump, but Rose's big tentacles are pushing you down again until your nose is shoved into the crux of all those wonderful curling things, and there isn't an octopus beak there at all. What Rose has there is a million times better, all soft and nubbly like a bathroom mat, and it smells as nice as raw beef. You snuffle as deeply as you can and slurp at it like you are starving. Rose is putting her tentacles all over you and it feels so nice that you want to kick your feet in the air, like Bec used to do when you gave him belly rubs.
All the good feeling grows and grows, and Rose keeps spouting out gibberish in her very nice grimdark voice, and then all at once all of her tentacles seize, then flutter, then fall away. You raise your head to see what it happening. The tentacles are crumbling like the leaves of a dead tree in the rain. They leave a fine ash everywhere, inky or iridescent or glowy, depending on how the light hits. Rose pushes you away
with a HUMAN HAND
(and it is such a nice hand; you want to walk all over the ship while clasping it with your own hand)
and curls up on the deck, pillowing her head (and her beautiful pale hair, which is SHINY but no longer GLOWING) on her arms. Her eyes are closed and her mouth is curved in a small, sweet smile. She looks so cute and you can't resist snuggling up behind her. Your sparkly god-cape is big enough to cover you both, if you spoon closely enough.
There is a tapping noise coming from Davesprite's cage. He is knocking his forehead against the bars. It looks a little painful, but you aren't going to be judgy about it. Not being judgy about what other people do for fun is the MORAL OF THE DAY.
"Aren't you so happy that Rose is back?" you say.
"jade let me out," Davesprite says. "i need to go throw up and cry myself to sleep."
This entry is cross-posted from http://kayliemalinza.dreamwidth.org/330997.html (
comments.)
Characters: Grimdark!Rose (Rose Lalonde), dogtier!Jade (Jade Harley), Davesprite
Rating: R for grimdark cunnilingus
Word Count: 1,742
Set toward the end of the three years on the ship.
Say, Lady, the Tentacles Ain't Half Bad
There is a new scent on this ship! You sniff and sniff and lope through the decks. The scent is spicy and dank and tickles the tender moist inside of your noisicle and really it is a VERY RUDE SMELL. The smell gets more fulsome and pushy the deeper into the ship you go, until it is mixing up with all the steel-magick-shaving-cream smell of the hold and there is a hint of brine cutting through, and something rotting like split-open bodies left out in puddles. It is a tiny bit delicious.
(You would never admit that to your sweet human friends, of course.)
You swoop down a stairway submarine-style, arms hooked over the railing (skirt flying out just a teensy bit) and stop at the bottom. You hear something. Something small and frightened and not too far off.
"geez lady, i'd say you're handsy but that's a bit of a stretch. get it? a stretch-ow!"
OH
NO
With smelling and hearing you now know exactly where this intruder is and you zippity-zap yourself there and BARK BARK BARK!
There is a TERRIBLE GRIMDARK LADY threatening Davesprite! She is glowing and has a lot of tentacles which she is curling and uncurling and slithering all over Davesprite and one tentacle
one very bold and presumptuous tentacle
is tangled in his tailio.
"woah ursula chill your magics i've decided i don't want human legs after all," says Davesprite, flapping as hard as he can to get away (he is sort of going in circles; it is very sad and a little bit cute) and hacking away with his shiny katana. "i need my voice for rapping and the ladies really dig the tailio."
(You blush. You didn't think he had noticed that.)
"krxs sdfgldf otiuerex," says the terrible grimdark lady. Her voice sounds like a thousand fingernails scraping down a chalkboard, and also like a howler monkey, and also like the glurp-glurp-glurp of really thick and stinky mud.
You shrink Davesprite and teleport him inside a shiny golden birdcage and hang it up in the corner. A fight like this is no place for such a cutiepie! He did a pretty good job, though. There are a lot of severed tentacles lying around, leaking black goo and twitching. He was so brave and heroic to save you years ago, when you were a sad girl-ghostie-sprite, but now you have very sharp teeth and green sparkly bits and you like to do all the protecting.
Davesprite whines about how unfair that is. You are very sympathetic-you used to complain about Becquerel ALL THE TIME-but nowadays you just can't help yourself! You guess you are trying to make up for that time you accidentally shot Dave. You still feel really bad about that.
And now this awful person is being mean to Davesprite, and that makes you really mad! You bare your teeth and clench your hands into fists.
"jade, that's rose," says Davesprite. He knocks his katana against the bars of the cage. "don't kill her, dude. she's wacked out on horrorterror kool-aid or something but she's still rose."
Your ears prick up. "Rose?" you say, and sniff the air. The grimdark smell is nearly overpowering, but your nose is super-good, and yes, there is a tiny bit of Rose-scent.
(There is no smell of roses, though; Rose would not appreciate a cliche like that!)
You stare at the grimdark lady's face and it is pretty, like really really pretty, with black lipstick and a two little slits of lavender eyes.
"Oh my gosh!" you say. "It is Rose! I've missed you so much!"
"xgwtwe xlsdoitry assdfhp," says Rose. She is still speaking with that awful grimdark voice but now that you are paying attention, you can tell that it's a little sarcastic. She lashes out with a tentacle and slaps you on the cheek, REALLY HARD.
"oh my god am i about to witness an honest to god chickfight," says Davesprite.
"I don't want to hurt you, Rose," you say. "But you are being really mean and that's not allowed!"
Rose lashes out with another tentacle and PULLS YOUR HAIR.
"jesus christ on a cracker where the hell is the video function on my iShades," says Davesprite.
"Okay THAT'S IT," you say, and you HERO-LEAP right at Rose! You slam into her and the two of you go tumbling across the deck and into the bulkhead. Her tentacles flail all over the place, trying to push you off or tie you up or maybe both things at once. She is a little slimy and she's squeezing you too hard. You punch and kick, but it doesn't do much good. You are TRAPPED. She is pushing you down, down, to where her legs used to be, and where, if she were an octopus, she would have a mouth with a really sharp beak.
But that also means that one of the sliced-off tentacles ends up within reach of your mouth, and so you BITE IT.
Rose screams, and her tentacles spasm and squeeze you so hard you might POP but you keep gnawing and gnawing on that tentacle. It is oozing black goo from the exposed inside like a Gusher. It's actually really yummy, raw and fetid with a fishy aftertaste, and it is soooooo chewy, so much fun between your teeth! And there is a little dab of orangey-sweet from Dave's katana (it is always a little sticky when he pulls it out of his torso) and that is a perfect garnish, like lemon zest on a lamb chop.
More black goo oozes out, warm and sticky from Rose's inside, and you lick-lick-lick it all up. The tentacle stump squirms and quivers. You have to be QUICK and DEXTROUS too keep ahold of it. What a fun game!
"qoitre sadgfagot xxcvqwqu," says Rose, quieter and less screechy than before. The grimdark voice is actually kind of nice to listen to, with a sort of melody to it, although the satanic gibberish is getting old. You miss Rose's normal way of talking. She's so smart and eloquent and you love all the poety things she says.
Dave is really good with words, too, which makes sense because they are ECTOSIBLINGS, but that also makes it even sadder that they were fighting earlier.
It's okay now, though, because Rose has calmed down a lot. The tentacles are looser than they were before, curling around you in a BIG HUG and a couple of the really tiny tendrils are playing with your ears and it feels super good. You just want to roll over and let her tickle you all over. So you do!
"wait this isn't what i wanted. i thought it was but once again the brain-damaged fantasy of a teenage nitwit is soul-achingly disturbing when translated into reality. this is why some video games get banned. this is sick and nasty," says Davesprite. "it's not even sicknasty. this is some straight-up ecchi shit. for reals."
"We're having fun!" you say. The tentacle stump pokes at your cheek, and you give it a little lick so it doesn't feel neglected. "Don't be so mean! Maybe if you were nicer she wouldn't have tried to kill you!"
"maybe i'm the only one here who isn't a complete freak. and keep in mind that i'm fucking orange. i'm an ectoplasmic oompa-loompa and this shit is too cray for me."
You roll your eyes. Dave can be so dramatic sometimes! And he likes to talk a lot, even when no-one is paying attention.
"what you're doing right now would get you banned from the plush rump message boards and i don't even want to tell you about the twisted shenanigans that don't get banned. jade, she just put a grimdark tentacle up your skirt. that can't be sanitary. you're gonna get horrorterror herpes."
"Calm down, Dave, it feels really good!" you say. "It's better than playing Frisbee! You should do this with your tailio sometime."
Dave turns away and wraps his tailio around his waist and head until his ears are all covered up and he looks like a squishy spirally basketball with wings sticking out. It is very cute, but you don't think he is going to talk to you anymore.
Well, that's just fine because you have OTHER PRIORITIES. You turn back to the tentacle stump, but Rose's big tentacles are pushing you down again until your nose is shoved into the crux of all those wonderful curling things, and there isn't an octopus beak there at all. What Rose has there is a million times better, all soft and nubbly like a bathroom mat, and it smells as nice as raw beef. You snuffle as deeply as you can and slurp at it like you are starving. Rose is putting her tentacles all over you and it feels so nice that you want to kick your feet in the air, like Bec used to do when you gave him belly rubs.
All the good feeling grows and grows, and Rose keeps spouting out gibberish in her very nice grimdark voice, and then all at once all of her tentacles seize, then flutter, then fall away. You raise your head to see what it happening. The tentacles are crumbling like the leaves of a dead tree in the rain. They leave a fine ash everywhere, inky or iridescent or glowy, depending on how the light hits. Rose pushes you away
with a HUMAN HAND
(and it is such a nice hand; you want to walk all over the ship while clasping it with your own hand)
and curls up on the deck, pillowing her head (and her beautiful pale hair, which is SHINY but no longer GLOWING) on her arms. Her eyes are closed and her mouth is curved in a small, sweet smile. She looks so cute and you can't resist snuggling up behind her. Your sparkly god-cape is big enough to cover you both, if you spoon closely enough.
There is a tapping noise coming from Davesprite's cage. He is knocking his forehead against the bars. It looks a little painful, but you aren't going to be judgy about it. Not being judgy about what other people do for fun is the MORAL OF THE DAY.
"Aren't you so happy that Rose is back?" you say.
"jade let me out," Davesprite says. "i need to go throw up and cry myself to sleep."
This entry is cross-posted from http://kayliemalinza.dreamwidth.org/330997.html (
comments.)