Ramble!fic revision, Wherein Jim Has a Problem with Chekov (1,931 words, rated R)
Revision of this fic, which is going to disappear in a minute and link you to the new version, so I don't even know why I am including this link, expect maybe because the comments are awesome.
Anyways.
There are no substantive changes, but the tenses are different, which should help with flow and comprehension.
1,931 words, rated R for cussin', takes place during Jim's temporary captaincy, All About Chekov and involves the bridge crew + Bones + Pike, with mention of Joanna and Winona
It's only been three weeks since Jim took command of the Enterprise and already he realizes that there's a couple of problems with having Chekov as his first-string navigator.
The first problem is that Chekov is skinny to distraction. Jim knows that Chekov trained more for agility and stamina than strength but he figured that the standard Starfleet athletic regimen would've bulked the kid up a little bit. However, after the first time he watched Chekov scarf down a third helping of lasagna in the mess (the creeper gaze was motivated by captainly concern, of course,) Jim came to realize that maybe the Starfleet cafeteria did its best and is not to blame for Chekov's freakish metabolism. This theory was further supported when, not three hours later, Chekov snuck a bag of potato chips onto the bridge.
Of course, in that particular instance Jim wasn't sure if Chekov really needed a snack or just wanted the opportunity to claim that potatoes originated in Russia. Before Jim had a chance to point out that no matter where potatoes were invented it is against regs to eat them on the bridge, Lt. Riley went off in a predictable fit of pique. Chekov responded with an earnest obstinacy which would be adorable if he were arguing physics or maybe asking to stay up past his bedtime. Riley and his nationalistic ire (get it? Ire?) were not impressed, and the situation escalated dangerously before Sulu stepped in. Apparently an amateur botanist, he quietly pointed out that potatoes were first discovered in South America and only centuries later crossed the Atlantic Ocean. He went on for some time further about the very exciting cultural history of the potato but everyone stopped listening at that point.
It was a typical Alpha shift, all told.
Anyway, historical misinformation aside, Jim was still fairly alarmed at so much food entering Chekov's body without any result (aside from a satisfied belch) so he swung by Sickbay afterwards to ask if Bones had seen any symptoms of bulimia or tapeworms during Chekov's physical.
"Jim," Bones said, clearly torn between laughing at Jim and patting him on the head, "he's an active, healthy teenager. He's going to be skinny!" That is bull, in Jim's opinion, because he was never skinny except maybe for a few months when he was 12. Lithe, maybe. Slim. But never skinny like a chicken and he wasn't chubby, either, no matter what his brother Sam used to say. Jim is and has always been 100% foxy and Bones is just propagating this ridiculous "teenagers are supposed to be skinny" rhetoric because he used to wear hipster jeans.
Jim didn't want to believe it, but he's seen the pictures on Spacebook. He almost made a comment about hiding chicken legs but a) that would be mean and you shouldn't be mean to your friends (unless it's funny) and b) Jim can admit, at least silently, that the cut-glass hipbones peeking over the waistband had a certain allure. The "ironic" teenybopper t-shirt was just poor decision making, though, and Jim definitely had words with Bones about that. Friends didn't let friends look lame (or wear lamé for that matter, but fortunately Bones doesn't need counseling in that department.)
Clearly Chekov is being exposed to some damaging opinions about what is and is not appropriate for teenage behavior, so Jim is going to keep an eye out to make sure that he doesn't get any ideas and start modifying his regulation trousers or, even worse, start wearing the dress. The skirt uniform is is technically gender neutral but Jim wouldn't be a good captain (and he is an awesome captain, even if it had only been two weeks by that point, because he's just a natural like that,) if he weren't aware that, while regs may stipulate one thing in theory, actual practice within a cultural context can often be another thing altogether. No-one seriously considers the mini-dress to be gender-neutral except Uhura when she's convincing someone to take a bet.
Jim knows he should be an uninvolved party in shenanigans like that-unless he gets involved in order to put an end to them in a captainly fashion-but Sulu asked for his help in the spirit of brotherhood. Jim is obviously the older brother in this analogy because, hello, he is captain and Sulu is not, but older brothers should be protective of and magnanimous with their younger siblings so Jim helped the poor guy out (although he privately agreed with Uhura that Sulu did have very nice legs that should see the light of day.) Uhura, in her circumlocutory way, accused certain persons of committing certain acts which under certain cirumstances could be considered a certain abuse of authority but it's not cheating if it maintains the status quo, ok, so Uhura can zip it.
Of course there are many conditions which make cheating not-cheating but maintaining the status quo is the reason which is currently applicable. Jim knows this because he made a chart. Both Pike and Bones have taken great exception to some sections of the chart but Jim sent it to his mom for a consultation and she gave it a thumbs-up with minor revisions, so Jim is confident that his chart is correct. Bones and Pike are just being uptight.
Anyway, Chekov's skinniness is actually a source of some comfort to Jim in this matter because Uhura shows no desire to trick Chekov into wearing a miniskirt. She may have other plans up her tiny sleeves, though, so Jim has gotten into the habit of hovering protectively around Chekov when, you know, anything happens ever. Thus far Uhura hasn't shown any nefarious intentions towards the little ensign but curiously, the ensign has shown a few nefarious intentions of his own. The Sulu-in-a-skirt scheme might have been his idea, actually.
Jim knows that he should have a stern talk with Chekov concerning the inappropriateness of pranking-especially as it becomes more apparent each day that Uhura is just his patsy-but he can't help but think that Chekov makes evil look cute. Chekov makes just about everything look cute, actually. Must be all the rampant, infectious enthusiasm. Either way, the hours go by faster when he's on shift.
Normally Jim keeps that kind of sentiment to himself, but one night Bones and he were squirreled away in the ready room with a gallon jug of Red Bull and vodka. They were hard at work reading reports comprised of too many numbers and convoluted sentence structure and Jim possibly let it slip that Chekov lights up his captain's life with sweetness and fluff and maybe Jim should let him know in a subtle manner. Like in the postscript to a shift report, maybe.
Bones, who is almost as wise as Jim, hastened to point out that people generally don't like being told that sort of thing when they are performing a high-skilled job and sort of need to be taken seriously. Jim doesn't understand why being adorable would be an issue-he's certainly dealt with his own charms just fine-but Bones, after heaving an excessive sigh at Jim's blank look, reminded Jim that he has told Joanna similar things in the past and gotten kicked in the shins for it. Jim clarified that one time she punched him in the crotch instead of kicking him but Bones said that part was irrelevant. Of course Bones would say that. It isn't his crotch. And while Bones did his due diligence and grounded Joanna for a week, Jim still doesn't feel that he quite got the sympathy he deserved.
Penile injuries notwithstanding, the analogy was a good one and Jim was just about to concede the point when he was distracted by the question of whether Joanna could take Chekov in a fight, one likely precipitated by mutual unwanted compliments. Sure, Chekov has Starfleet combat training, but he probably has qualms about hitting little girls and Joanna is scrappy. Bones' response was that Chekov damn well better have qualms about hitting his little girl. His voice skated impressively into a lower register when he said it, but spiked right back up when Jim noticed the added pronoun and inquired as to whether it's ok if Chekov hits other people's little girls.
Bones is a poor rhetorician, Jim decides. "Dammit, Jim!" simply isn't the effective all-purpose rebuttal he thinks it is.
Anyway, Chekov's adorableness is starting to cause problems on the bridge because Jim is unable to rebuke him for anything and this troubling impotence is Jim's second problem (the impotence is metaphorical, of course, not medical. Swing by after shift and Jim will gladly provide proof.) Sure, Jim gives lip service to the idea that ensigns should treat their commanding officers with respect, but on the 21st day of Jim's captaincy (an important anniversary, obviously, one which should be marked by the growing acceptance of the crew) Chekov flays him alive in a debate about research protocol and although Jim knows Chekov is wrong and can cite at least three regulations to prove it, all he says is "I'll look that up and get back to you."
Even Uhura, a known cat-snorgler, sends him a glare that says, Why don't you drop-kick the annoying runt? Jim doesn't even attempt to decipher Sulu's expression, though he does (reluctantly) note that it bears an uncomfortable resemblance to a smirk.
As soon as he gets off duty Jim sends a secure-channel comm to Pike for advice and is told that he should start a regimen of kicking puppies. Pike claims to have trained for several decades himself, having just recently stepped up his routine to kicking twelve puppies a day. Pike is coming off an afternoon of physical therapy and Jim suspects the painkillers have taken effect, but in the past Pike has lead him astray even without the excuse of medication. Jim loves the guy but honestly sometimes Pike does not give the best advice in the world, especially when he goes deadpan.
"Thanks for the tip," says Jim. His silent, handsome brooding is interrupted by a heavy sigh from Pike.
"Kirk, does Ensign Chekov display the skills and acuity necessary to be a Starfleet officer?" Pike asks.
"Of course he does," Kirk says. "Better than necessary, in fact."
"Then hold him to the same standard of behavior," Pike says.
Jim waits for him to say something else-that can't possibly be the whole answer-but Pike just looks at him expectantly. "But," says Jim. Just that. "But...."
"I'm not going to deny that he's incredibly young, and because of that your protective instincts are not altogether out of line," says Pike. "However, he's not just a teenage boy. He is a teenage boy who has secured a position on the bridge of the Enterprise." He pauses for dramatic effect then adds musingly: "Chekov is probably a cutthroat little fucker."
Jim blinks. "Are you on the good drugs today, sir?" he asks politely.
"Yeah," says Pike, and his smile goes lopsided. "I started hallucinating about thirty seconds ago but that isn't the point. I know what I'm talking about. You need to get Ensign Chekov under control, or he will destroy everything that you hold dear."
"Yessir," says Jim. "Are-are you going to call a nurse, sir?"
"Nah, I'll just go throw things at my sister," Pike says dismissively, and signs off without saying goodbye.
Jim turns off the screen and leans back in his chair, reflecting for a long moment on the unfairness of the universe.
Anyways.
There are no substantive changes, but the tenses are different, which should help with flow and comprehension.
1,931 words, rated R for cussin', takes place during Jim's temporary captaincy, All About Chekov and involves the bridge crew + Bones + Pike, with mention of Joanna and Winona
It's only been three weeks since Jim took command of the Enterprise and already he realizes that there's a couple of problems with having Chekov as his first-string navigator.
The first problem is that Chekov is skinny to distraction. Jim knows that Chekov trained more for agility and stamina than strength but he figured that the standard Starfleet athletic regimen would've bulked the kid up a little bit. However, after the first time he watched Chekov scarf down a third helping of lasagna in the mess (the creeper gaze was motivated by captainly concern, of course,) Jim came to realize that maybe the Starfleet cafeteria did its best and is not to blame for Chekov's freakish metabolism. This theory was further supported when, not three hours later, Chekov snuck a bag of potato chips onto the bridge.
Of course, in that particular instance Jim wasn't sure if Chekov really needed a snack or just wanted the opportunity to claim that potatoes originated in Russia. Before Jim had a chance to point out that no matter where potatoes were invented it is against regs to eat them on the bridge, Lt. Riley went off in a predictable fit of pique. Chekov responded with an earnest obstinacy which would be adorable if he were arguing physics or maybe asking to stay up past his bedtime. Riley and his nationalistic ire (get it? Ire?) were not impressed, and the situation escalated dangerously before Sulu stepped in. Apparently an amateur botanist, he quietly pointed out that potatoes were first discovered in South America and only centuries later crossed the Atlantic Ocean. He went on for some time further about the very exciting cultural history of the potato but everyone stopped listening at that point.
It was a typical Alpha shift, all told.
Anyway, historical misinformation aside, Jim was still fairly alarmed at so much food entering Chekov's body without any result (aside from a satisfied belch) so he swung by Sickbay afterwards to ask if Bones had seen any symptoms of bulimia or tapeworms during Chekov's physical.
"Jim," Bones said, clearly torn between laughing at Jim and patting him on the head, "he's an active, healthy teenager. He's going to be skinny!" That is bull, in Jim's opinion, because he was never skinny except maybe for a few months when he was 12. Lithe, maybe. Slim. But never skinny like a chicken and he wasn't chubby, either, no matter what his brother Sam used to say. Jim is and has always been 100% foxy and Bones is just propagating this ridiculous "teenagers are supposed to be skinny" rhetoric because he used to wear hipster jeans.
Jim didn't want to believe it, but he's seen the pictures on Spacebook. He almost made a comment about hiding chicken legs but a) that would be mean and you shouldn't be mean to your friends (unless it's funny) and b) Jim can admit, at least silently, that the cut-glass hipbones peeking over the waistband had a certain allure. The "ironic" teenybopper t-shirt was just poor decision making, though, and Jim definitely had words with Bones about that. Friends didn't let friends look lame (or wear lamé for that matter, but fortunately Bones doesn't need counseling in that department.)
Clearly Chekov is being exposed to some damaging opinions about what is and is not appropriate for teenage behavior, so Jim is going to keep an eye out to make sure that he doesn't get any ideas and start modifying his regulation trousers or, even worse, start wearing the dress. The skirt uniform is is technically gender neutral but Jim wouldn't be a good captain (and he is an awesome captain, even if it had only been two weeks by that point, because he's just a natural like that,) if he weren't aware that, while regs may stipulate one thing in theory, actual practice within a cultural context can often be another thing altogether. No-one seriously considers the mini-dress to be gender-neutral except Uhura when she's convincing someone to take a bet.
Jim knows he should be an uninvolved party in shenanigans like that-unless he gets involved in order to put an end to them in a captainly fashion-but Sulu asked for his help in the spirit of brotherhood. Jim is obviously the older brother in this analogy because, hello, he is captain and Sulu is not, but older brothers should be protective of and magnanimous with their younger siblings so Jim helped the poor guy out (although he privately agreed with Uhura that Sulu did have very nice legs that should see the light of day.) Uhura, in her circumlocutory way, accused certain persons of committing certain acts which under certain cirumstances could be considered a certain abuse of authority but it's not cheating if it maintains the status quo, ok, so Uhura can zip it.
Of course there are many conditions which make cheating not-cheating but maintaining the status quo is the reason which is currently applicable. Jim knows this because he made a chart. Both Pike and Bones have taken great exception to some sections of the chart but Jim sent it to his mom for a consultation and she gave it a thumbs-up with minor revisions, so Jim is confident that his chart is correct. Bones and Pike are just being uptight.
Anyway, Chekov's skinniness is actually a source of some comfort to Jim in this matter because Uhura shows no desire to trick Chekov into wearing a miniskirt. She may have other plans up her tiny sleeves, though, so Jim has gotten into the habit of hovering protectively around Chekov when, you know, anything happens ever. Thus far Uhura hasn't shown any nefarious intentions towards the little ensign but curiously, the ensign has shown a few nefarious intentions of his own. The Sulu-in-a-skirt scheme might have been his idea, actually.
Jim knows that he should have a stern talk with Chekov concerning the inappropriateness of pranking-especially as it becomes more apparent each day that Uhura is just his patsy-but he can't help but think that Chekov makes evil look cute. Chekov makes just about everything look cute, actually. Must be all the rampant, infectious enthusiasm. Either way, the hours go by faster when he's on shift.
Normally Jim keeps that kind of sentiment to himself, but one night Bones and he were squirreled away in the ready room with a gallon jug of Red Bull and vodka. They were hard at work reading reports comprised of too many numbers and convoluted sentence structure and Jim possibly let it slip that Chekov lights up his captain's life with sweetness and fluff and maybe Jim should let him know in a subtle manner. Like in the postscript to a shift report, maybe.
Bones, who is almost as wise as Jim, hastened to point out that people generally don't like being told that sort of thing when they are performing a high-skilled job and sort of need to be taken seriously. Jim doesn't understand why being adorable would be an issue-he's certainly dealt with his own charms just fine-but Bones, after heaving an excessive sigh at Jim's blank look, reminded Jim that he has told Joanna similar things in the past and gotten kicked in the shins for it. Jim clarified that one time she punched him in the crotch instead of kicking him but Bones said that part was irrelevant. Of course Bones would say that. It isn't his crotch. And while Bones did his due diligence and grounded Joanna for a week, Jim still doesn't feel that he quite got the sympathy he deserved.
Penile injuries notwithstanding, the analogy was a good one and Jim was just about to concede the point when he was distracted by the question of whether Joanna could take Chekov in a fight, one likely precipitated by mutual unwanted compliments. Sure, Chekov has Starfleet combat training, but he probably has qualms about hitting little girls and Joanna is scrappy. Bones' response was that Chekov damn well better have qualms about hitting his little girl. His voice skated impressively into a lower register when he said it, but spiked right back up when Jim noticed the added pronoun and inquired as to whether it's ok if Chekov hits other people's little girls.
Bones is a poor rhetorician, Jim decides. "Dammit, Jim!" simply isn't the effective all-purpose rebuttal he thinks it is.
Anyway, Chekov's adorableness is starting to cause problems on the bridge because Jim is unable to rebuke him for anything and this troubling impotence is Jim's second problem (the impotence is metaphorical, of course, not medical. Swing by after shift and Jim will gladly provide proof.) Sure, Jim gives lip service to the idea that ensigns should treat their commanding officers with respect, but on the 21st day of Jim's captaincy (an important anniversary, obviously, one which should be marked by the growing acceptance of the crew) Chekov flays him alive in a debate about research protocol and although Jim knows Chekov is wrong and can cite at least three regulations to prove it, all he says is "I'll look that up and get back to you."
Even Uhura, a known cat-snorgler, sends him a glare that says, Why don't you drop-kick the annoying runt? Jim doesn't even attempt to decipher Sulu's expression, though he does (reluctantly) note that it bears an uncomfortable resemblance to a smirk.
As soon as he gets off duty Jim sends a secure-channel comm to Pike for advice and is told that he should start a regimen of kicking puppies. Pike claims to have trained for several decades himself, having just recently stepped up his routine to kicking twelve puppies a day. Pike is coming off an afternoon of physical therapy and Jim suspects the painkillers have taken effect, but in the past Pike has lead him astray even without the excuse of medication. Jim loves the guy but honestly sometimes Pike does not give the best advice in the world, especially when he goes deadpan.
"Thanks for the tip," says Jim. His silent, handsome brooding is interrupted by a heavy sigh from Pike.
"Kirk, does Ensign Chekov display the skills and acuity necessary to be a Starfleet officer?" Pike asks.
"Of course he does," Kirk says. "Better than necessary, in fact."
"Then hold him to the same standard of behavior," Pike says.
Jim waits for him to say something else-that can't possibly be the whole answer-but Pike just looks at him expectantly. "But," says Jim. Just that. "But...."
"I'm not going to deny that he's incredibly young, and because of that your protective instincts are not altogether out of line," says Pike. "However, he's not just a teenage boy. He is a teenage boy who has secured a position on the bridge of the Enterprise." He pauses for dramatic effect then adds musingly: "Chekov is probably a cutthroat little fucker."
Jim blinks. "Are you on the good drugs today, sir?" he asks politely.
"Yeah," says Pike, and his smile goes lopsided. "I started hallucinating about thirty seconds ago but that isn't the point. I know what I'm talking about. You need to get Ensign Chekov under control, or he will destroy everything that you hold dear."
"Yessir," says Jim. "Are-are you going to call a nurse, sir?"
"Nah, I'll just go throw things at my sister," Pike says dismissively, and signs off without saying goodbye.
Jim turns off the screen and leans back in his chair, reflecting for a long moment on the unfairness of the universe.