The Circle Continues...this is a rant of sorts...a concern...and Im sure you have heard it before...
BUT IF YOU WOULD PLEASE READ AND HELP!
It seems like Josh and I have cycled back around to that ever so frustrating point in our relationship...I know a lot of the problems we have our my fault too. I am needy when it comes to him, and as I predicted it just got worse when I moved out here. The people who I had gotten used to hanging out with when Josh was happier just being with his friends, arent here anymore, and so I tend to want his attention more than ever. Considering we are planning to get married later this year, I wouldnt think that wanting to spend time together would be such a problem, but apparently it is. Im not 100% sure where the problem lies or if either one of us is more to blame than the other. I really just dont know anymore. A number of fingers are pointing at me, but I dont see what they are saying...and so I wonder if I am crazy, or what the deal is...When I was only working one job for about 30 hours a week...I wanted to spend every night with Josh, and was dissappointed and upset if he went to their house after work and stayed until bedtime, so I took on a second job. Partially for more money, but also to give me something to do while he went and hung out at the guys. So basically, I go to work Sunday night at 9pm (and ask him if he wants to go to the guys since its on the way...if he does I drop him off and pick him up after I get off work between 1am and 4am depending on how many hours I need), we go to bed, He gets up at 9am and goes to work, I get up at noon and go to work, he gets home, I get home, we turn right around and I drop him off at the guys and go back to work. Every day until Friday, on Friday I get off work around the same time as him and dont have to work nights, but he wants to just go to the guys after work and stay the night...at this point I feel like I havent really gotten to see him or spend time with him all week, and reluctantly I usually agree to let him hang out without bugging him. Occassionly I ask him to please come home before too late, because I do have that issue with being alone in a place at night, and some nights I even offer to go with him, so I can be with him but he can still go do his thing. Saturday mornings I work 8am til 1pmish, and then go home and wait for him to wake up, then we go to his sister's house. I enjoy this, because I feel like I am actually hanging out with people who care about me and want to see me, and I usually have something to do with them (unlike when I do go to the guys and sit and stare at them playing video games all night). So, Sundays I ask to be ours...without fail almost every weekend Bryson calls and wants Josh to come play games, or go out or something, and usually I say ok lets go, or can I go too, or whatever, but lately I have wanted more time with him, because I am tired and working two jobs with anywhere from 45-65 hours a week, and rarely actually SPENDING TIME with Josh makes me want to just enjoy a dinner and movie with him, just sit around the house and watch TV together, or listen to him play his game while I cook, or me play while he cooks...just the two of us...I mean seriously we are getting married...so...anyhow. He says I never let him go anywhere or do anything, and yet he is over there EVERY night, and even when I tell him I would rather he stay home and spend time with me, he still ends up going and I have to get over it. IF I am having fun doign something, and he is tired and wants to leave then we have to go that moment...but if its 3am, and I have to work the next day from 9am til 4am with only a 2 hour break in there, and I am ready to leave...then I am controlling him and being pushy. Even if I had already waited to leave for over an hour. I dont get it...its almost like he would prefer a woman who is content to sit at home and clean and cook for him while he does whatever whenever however and when he shows up he shows up, no questions asked. He and I have talked about this and he says he loves spending time with me and that isnt how he feels, but that I never let him do anything and he never gets to see the guys and we live together we see each other all the time...and I just want to know...WHEN I GET TO SEE HIM...apparently he means the car ride from here to Brysons and back and the 10 min he is getting dressed in the morning while I sleep...I dont want to control him, I want him to be happy and spend time with his friends. I want us both to be able to say, hey honey I want to go do this with so and so and it be kewl, and I know that its harder for me because the only two ppl I spend a significant amount of time with are Elisha (who works almost all the dang time), and Sarah (who has a family to take care of and cant just up and go hang out whenever), so yeah Im lonely a lot, and yes I want to go do things with Josh, and I dont mind going with him and his friends if they dont mind me, but DAMMIT I WANT MY ALONE TIME WITH MY FIANCE...QUALITY TIME DAMMIT...is that wrong? AND I want him to keep his word to me, I want when we make plans for him not to blow them off because the guys call, and not tell them "I CANT CAUSE CANDICE WONT LET ME", what about "Hey I want to spend some time with Candice so I will get with you gusy later in the week?" I dont know...Im lost...Im not sure we can ever actually see eye to eye on this...but I dont want to be that girl who feels like she bends and bends and gives and gives and then gets little in return...I love him...I wouldnt still be here if I didnt, but I want him to see my needs and care about my feelings as much as I try to accomadate and care about his. *sigh* Im so ready to give up
It seems like Josh and I have cycled back around to that ever so frustrating point in our relationship...I know a lot of the problems we have our my fault too. I am needy when it comes to him, and as I predicted it just got worse when I moved out here. The people who I had gotten used to hanging out with when Josh was happier just being with his friends, arent here anymore, and so I tend to want his attention more than ever. Considering we are planning to get married later this year, I wouldnt think that wanting to spend time together would be such a problem, but apparently it is. Im not 100% sure where the problem lies or if either one of us is more to blame than the other. I really just dont know anymore. A number of fingers are pointing at me, but I dont see what they are saying...and so I wonder if I am crazy, or what the deal is...When I was only working one job for about 30 hours a week...I wanted to spend every night with Josh, and was dissappointed and upset if he went to their house after work and stayed until bedtime, so I took on a second job. Partially for more money, but also to give me something to do while he went and hung out at the guys. So basically, I go to work Sunday night at 9pm (and ask him if he wants to go to the guys since its on the way...if he does I drop him off and pick him up after I get off work between 1am and 4am depending on how many hours I need), we go to bed, He gets up at 9am and goes to work, I get up at noon and go to work, he gets home, I get home, we turn right around and I drop him off at the guys and go back to work. Every day until Friday, on Friday I get off work around the same time as him and dont have to work nights, but he wants to just go to the guys after work and stay the night...at this point I feel like I havent really gotten to see him or spend time with him all week, and reluctantly I usually agree to let him hang out without bugging him. Occassionly I ask him to please come home before too late, because I do have that issue with being alone in a place at night, and some nights I even offer to go with him, so I can be with him but he can still go do his thing. Saturday mornings I work 8am til 1pmish, and then go home and wait for him to wake up, then we go to his sister's house. I enjoy this, because I feel like I am actually hanging out with people who care about me and want to see me, and I usually have something to do with them (unlike when I do go to the guys and sit and stare at them playing video games all night). So, Sundays I ask to be ours...without fail almost every weekend Bryson calls and wants Josh to come play games, or go out or something, and usually I say ok lets go, or can I go too, or whatever, but lately I have wanted more time with him, because I am tired and working two jobs with anywhere from 45-65 hours a week, and rarely actually SPENDING TIME with Josh makes me want to just enjoy a dinner and movie with him, just sit around the house and watch TV together, or listen to him play his game while I cook, or me play while he cooks...just the two of us...I mean seriously we are getting married...so...anyhow. He says I never let him go anywhere or do anything, and yet he is over there EVERY night, and even when I tell him I would rather he stay home and spend time with me, he still ends up going and I have to get over it. IF I am having fun doign something, and he is tired and wants to leave then we have to go that moment...but if its 3am, and I have to work the next day from 9am til 4am with only a 2 hour break in there, and I am ready to leave...then I am controlling him and being pushy. Even if I had already waited to leave for over an hour. I dont get it...its almost like he would prefer a woman who is content to sit at home and clean and cook for him while he does whatever whenever however and when he shows up he shows up, no questions asked. He and I have talked about this and he says he loves spending time with me and that isnt how he feels, but that I never let him do anything and he never gets to see the guys and we live together we see each other all the time...and I just want to know...WHEN I GET TO SEE HIM...apparently he means the car ride from here to Brysons and back and the 10 min he is getting dressed in the morning while I sleep...I dont want to control him, I want him to be happy and spend time with his friends. I want us both to be able to say, hey honey I want to go do this with so and so and it be kewl, and I know that its harder for me because the only two ppl I spend a significant amount of time with are Elisha (who works almost all the dang time), and Sarah (who has a family to take care of and cant just up and go hang out whenever), so yeah Im lonely a lot, and yes I want to go do things with Josh, and I dont mind going with him and his friends if they dont mind me, but DAMMIT I WANT MY ALONE TIME WITH MY FIANCE...QUALITY TIME DAMMIT...is that wrong? AND I want him to keep his word to me, I want when we make plans for him not to blow them off because the guys call, and not tell them "I CANT CAUSE CANDICE WONT LET ME", what about "Hey I want to spend some time with Candice so I will get with you gusy later in the week?" I dont know...Im lost...Im not sure we can ever actually see eye to eye on this...but I dont want to be that girl who feels like she bends and bends and gives and gives and then gets little in return...I love him...I wouldnt still be here if I didnt, but I want him to see my needs and care about my feelings as much as I try to accomadate and care about his. *sigh* Im so ready to give up