Is this my cross to bear?

[kay_is_krazy]

I called him yesterday, entirely of my own accord, to ask if he could "please take of my money from the bank and send it to me." I was not scared. I did not get that feeling in my stomach, that heavy, empty feeling I could not forget the rest of my life even if I tried. I just picked up the phone, dialed quickly, and said, "It's Kayleigh." I said my two sentence message, thanked him, and said goodbye.

I could hear him protest before I hung up - a muffled ghost of a sound. In that moment, I wanted so badly to stay on the line and listen to his voice. It still echoes in my dreams now and then. Maybe I wanted to pretend it was all like it was before. Or maybe I just wanted to hear what he would say, what there possibly was that he could say, despite all this time and all this pain.

But for what - for lies? For the same heartbreak again? A thousand times over?

Maybe he will never know exactly what he did - and I did - to me. Maybe he doesn't need to know. He will pay his due someday. There will be enough guilt to engulf even a soul of the strongest iron. And I fully trust that he will pay - and the price will be high.

I sacrificed a year of my life to him, let him drink the blood in my veins. As far as punishment goes, I have paid it, to myself instead of him, yes, but it is done.

And, Daddy, I am tired. I am so, so tired of this.