(no subject)
So many thoughts swirling around but just out of consistency reach. Fuck, I'm so happy I'm off the Zoloft. I feel like I can think again and get passionate about things. Goddam glorious. I missed my old manic desperate-thinking-out-loud-'cause-if-I-don't-RIGHTNOW-I-might-lose-it self. I missed the old anxiety born of "this is my life I must do it correctly otherwise I am wasting it", at least until it got too intense. Fuck, I feel so motherfucking sharp! The thoughts just flow and ebb and compound and branch out like a real time brainstorming diagram and the delicious sensation is if the tree just becomes large enough I'll get to something concrete, even though I know that will (probably?) not ever happen.
But I suppose that it's the journey that is fun rather than the (potential) end.
I just feel so fucking alive. Proud to be an intelligent human being, an actor in this world with the potential to affect it in some way, in whatever way I can, for whatever goals I deem fit, for myself or for others, the freedom to be selfish or giving, to just BE, and to decide what being even IS.
I love this frame of mind, which I haven't had since I got off the Magic Happy Pills. The scary thing is that I didn't even realize it was gone until I experienced it again and realized it had been 3/4ths of a year since I had it: An almost psychical sensation of brain activity, like a temptation to get up out of this chair and scream. Where everything that I deign to look at or think about is crystal clear, and I see in my head the brainstorming diagram.
On my desk now are speakers, a keyboard, an LCD screen, an aluminum (I think) water bottle, cologne. A checkbook, a couple of books, an old mp3 player, an optical mouse. A translucent blue plate. Silverware. Headphonts. A pen and a nail clipper.
My curious, greedy, sharing, fearful, confident, motivated, loving, hating brethren constructed all of these thing. It's Miller time, and hats off!
But I suppose that it's the journey that is fun rather than the (potential) end.
I just feel so fucking alive. Proud to be an intelligent human being, an actor in this world with the potential to affect it in some way, in whatever way I can, for whatever goals I deem fit, for myself or for others, the freedom to be selfish or giving, to just BE, and to decide what being even IS.
I love this frame of mind, which I haven't had since I got off the Magic Happy Pills. The scary thing is that I didn't even realize it was gone until I experienced it again and realized it had been 3/4ths of a year since I had it: An almost psychical sensation of brain activity, like a temptation to get up out of this chair and scream. Where everything that I deign to look at or think about is crystal clear, and I see in my head the brainstorming diagram.
On my desk now are speakers, a keyboard, an LCD screen, an aluminum (I think) water bottle, cologne. A checkbook, a couple of books, an old mp3 player, an optical mouse. A translucent blue plate. Silverware. Headphonts. A pen and a nail clipper.
My curious, greedy, sharing, fearful, confident, motivated, loving, hating brethren constructed all of these thing. It's Miller time, and hats off!