Madness has kept me away from LJ... gomen!
Tomorrow'll be a month since my last post, that proves I'm unable to control my time T^T... that sucks, but I'm, back with an update... I just hope my modem doesn't die ¬¬.
University. That's the easy stuff to talk about.
Today I had my Cultural Studies: Evolutionary Theory final exam... THANK GOD IT'S OVER! Jesus Christ! Please, dear flist, remember me to stop taking courses with Gregory or shoot me if I do it again. It seems I don't learn the lesson, I had already taken a course with him but it seems I wanted more! Yeah, I'm a masochist! I don't hate him, honestly... well... I do hate him when he decides to give home exams to his other courses except ours... but in general terms I don't hate him, in fact, I think he's a nice guy and a good teacher... but Hell, the topics, readings and teaching strategies he chooses for his classes are BORING as Hell. The first half of Hannah Arendt's course was ok, but just that part; the second half and this course were teh shit to me. I'm not saying Evolutionary Theory isn't an interesting topic, actually I think most topics are interesting if you know how to get to them properly; of course, we all have different ways to approach to different topics and it's very subjective whether you find those topics interesting or not... my problem is that Greg doesn't seem to find the way through my heart with his courses, and I'm sorry about that because that's the reason why I haven't gotten the best grades with him. But it's over now! And I don't give a shit about how was my exam!
I had a quiz today for History and Philosophy of Science too. Yes, a quiz, not a midterm, not a final, but a quiz, that is the 10% of the grade... nothing! The problem was that the quiz was about a book. On normal circumstances I wouldn't have complained. I like reading and I like that class, but I left the reading for this week because my mind hasn't been well lately and because I've had other stuff to do. Of course, I didn't read because of my final exam and so I wrote bullshit in my quiz. Still, I don't care.
I still have to do four more finals, and this fucking semester will be over.
Now the hard stuff to talk about.
Some posts ago I wrote I had had a not very pleasing msn chat, I was sick and depressed, and I couldn't cry because I didn't want my family asking questions about my private life. Well, it's time to write about that... that'll replace somehow the shouting and crying out loud.
The thing is I'm in love and I'm not quite happy about it, in fact I'm kinda miserable.
The guy is my best friend, the Pastu... now the misery thing has some sense, huh?
Fuck, I don't know how to start this... it has been so confusing and mindfucking that I feel I'm just broken now...
It might look like I'm too conservative, but I have never thought about being with someone just for fun. I'm not judging... actually I envy those who can have a good time without commitments or big feelings involved, but I can't; I've had the opportunities and I've refused.
I don't like to think I believe in love because the concept is too generalizing to be aplied with accuracy to a particular situation, but I'm a romantic and I use the word "love" do design what I'm feeling right now. Maybe I should put an adjective before that strong word, but I still don't know what adjective to use. Perhaps when all this is over I'll be able to do so.
Now I remember when I was "in love with" Miguel. It was kinda cute because he was my first "serious crush". It started as curiosity, then it suddenly became some sort of "platonic love". Platonic because he was ideal. I built up an idea of him without even knowing if it had similarities with the real one. It started to be a problem when I realized that most of my ideal Miguel was actually like the real one, then Miguel became what I had always thought and wanted, like the prince charming of this princess. What was rational and controled was turned into illness, my legs shaking, the nausea, the chills... It wasn't pleasurable at all, especially because I knew I didn't have any chance with him. Then it came out of nowhere, the determination to put an end to that feeling, and so I told him I liked him, in order to get over him. Now I know it was prudent not to tell him I loved him, because I loved the idea I built up of Miguel, the resemblance between that idea and the real one was casual and it scared me... it still scares me because I feel like I don't know him. That's how that story ended, and it ended well, I think.
I'm procrastinating the main issue.
I think I've always felt attracted to my best friend, even before I knew him. I saw him in that class, back then in first semester. I was taking that course with a friend, therefore I didn't have much chances to talk to someone else, but I wanted to talk to him. I can't tell exactly what did I see in him that caught my attention. So I provoked what happened that day: I arrived early to the classroom and started drawing, when he arrived I kinda smiled at him and he talked to me. Half an hour later I was already calling him the way I still do, the Pastu, instead of using his name, Carlos. Once I asked him why did he talked to me, and he answered he wanted to meet somebody... I'm so glad to have been that somebody.
He's not perfect, he isn't what I've dreamt about a guy, if I have ever done such thing... I guess the ideal Miguel was the closest thing to that. The Pastu's my best friend and we have already agreed that there's not a remote chance that we can be together as a couple. We're both dysfunctional at building social bonds, maybe that's how we can get along so well and that's why there's no other way for us to be together. But I fell for him and I feel so stupid and selfish for loosing control of what was perfect. He knows, of course, I broke once while talking about his personal problems, again it was me, being selfish and unable to behave properly, that day I couldn't cry because my mother could have heard me. I've hurt him and I think he didn't have to know about my aberrations, because that's what love is for me, an aberration, an abomination. That night he was shocked and all I could ask him for was not to stop being my friend. He didn't hesitate when he answered he wouldn't.
Writing this was relieving but tiring, I'll sleep and maybe I'll post later because I still have a drawing to post.
University. That's the easy stuff to talk about.
Today I had my Cultural Studies: Evolutionary Theory final exam... THANK GOD IT'S OVER! Jesus Christ! Please, dear flist, remember me to stop taking courses with Gregory or shoot me if I do it again. It seems I don't learn the lesson, I had already taken a course with him but it seems I wanted more! Yeah, I'm a masochist! I don't hate him, honestly... well... I do hate him when he decides to give home exams to his other courses except ours... but in general terms I don't hate him, in fact, I think he's a nice guy and a good teacher... but Hell, the topics, readings and teaching strategies he chooses for his classes are BORING as Hell. The first half of Hannah Arendt's course was ok, but just that part; the second half and this course were teh shit to me. I'm not saying Evolutionary Theory isn't an interesting topic, actually I think most topics are interesting if you know how to get to them properly; of course, we all have different ways to approach to different topics and it's very subjective whether you find those topics interesting or not... my problem is that Greg doesn't seem to find the way through my heart with his courses, and I'm sorry about that because that's the reason why I haven't gotten the best grades with him. But it's over now! And I don't give a shit about how was my exam!
I had a quiz today for History and Philosophy of Science too. Yes, a quiz, not a midterm, not a final, but a quiz, that is the 10% of the grade... nothing! The problem was that the quiz was about a book. On normal circumstances I wouldn't have complained. I like reading and I like that class, but I left the reading for this week because my mind hasn't been well lately and because I've had other stuff to do. Of course, I didn't read because of my final exam and so I wrote bullshit in my quiz. Still, I don't care.
I still have to do four more finals, and this fucking semester will be over.
Now the hard stuff to talk about.
Some posts ago I wrote I had had a not very pleasing msn chat, I was sick and depressed, and I couldn't cry because I didn't want my family asking questions about my private life. Well, it's time to write about that... that'll replace somehow the shouting and crying out loud.
The thing is I'm in love and I'm not quite happy about it, in fact I'm kinda miserable.
The guy is my best friend, the Pastu... now the misery thing has some sense, huh?
Fuck, I don't know how to start this... it has been so confusing and mindfucking that I feel I'm just broken now...
It might look like I'm too conservative, but I have never thought about being with someone just for fun. I'm not judging... actually I envy those who can have a good time without commitments or big feelings involved, but I can't; I've had the opportunities and I've refused.
I don't like to think I believe in love because the concept is too generalizing to be aplied with accuracy to a particular situation, but I'm a romantic and I use the word "love" do design what I'm feeling right now. Maybe I should put an adjective before that strong word, but I still don't know what adjective to use. Perhaps when all this is over I'll be able to do so.
Now I remember when I was "in love with" Miguel. It was kinda cute because he was my first "serious crush". It started as curiosity, then it suddenly became some sort of "platonic love". Platonic because he was ideal. I built up an idea of him without even knowing if it had similarities with the real one. It started to be a problem when I realized that most of my ideal Miguel was actually like the real one, then Miguel became what I had always thought and wanted, like the prince charming of this princess. What was rational and controled was turned into illness, my legs shaking, the nausea, the chills... It wasn't pleasurable at all, especially because I knew I didn't have any chance with him. Then it came out of nowhere, the determination to put an end to that feeling, and so I told him I liked him, in order to get over him. Now I know it was prudent not to tell him I loved him, because I loved the idea I built up of Miguel, the resemblance between that idea and the real one was casual and it scared me... it still scares me because I feel like I don't know him. That's how that story ended, and it ended well, I think.
I'm procrastinating the main issue.
I think I've always felt attracted to my best friend, even before I knew him. I saw him in that class, back then in first semester. I was taking that course with a friend, therefore I didn't have much chances to talk to someone else, but I wanted to talk to him. I can't tell exactly what did I see in him that caught my attention. So I provoked what happened that day: I arrived early to the classroom and started drawing, when he arrived I kinda smiled at him and he talked to me. Half an hour later I was already calling him the way I still do, the Pastu, instead of using his name, Carlos. Once I asked him why did he talked to me, and he answered he wanted to meet somebody... I'm so glad to have been that somebody.
He's not perfect, he isn't what I've dreamt about a guy, if I have ever done such thing... I guess the ideal Miguel was the closest thing to that. The Pastu's my best friend and we have already agreed that there's not a remote chance that we can be together as a couple. We're both dysfunctional at building social bonds, maybe that's how we can get along so well and that's why there's no other way for us to be together. But I fell for him and I feel so stupid and selfish for loosing control of what was perfect. He knows, of course, I broke once while talking about his personal problems, again it was me, being selfish and unable to behave properly, that day I couldn't cry because my mother could have heard me. I've hurt him and I think he didn't have to know about my aberrations, because that's what love is for me, an aberration, an abomination. That night he was shocked and all I could ask him for was not to stop being my friend. He didn't hesitate when he answered he wouldn't.
Writing this was relieving but tiring, I'll sleep and maybe I'll post later because I still have a drawing to post.