(no subject)
so it's been 528 days and as of the moment i checked, 4,566,555 heartbeats without booze. which is a long time! i don't have a lot of perspective of how long it's been on a day to day basis but in 2 weeks i'll be going out to portland, oregon for the momentous occasion which is bay's wedding (wootwoot!). it's been, save for 1x a few days after returning east, since i was last on the west coast that i drank. which has been a good long while. returning to portland makes for a more discernible yardstick in time. i know that it's been a coons age since i had a donut at voodoo donuts or saw a snow-capped mountain. and guess what, it's been almost just as long since i had a drink! that is helpful to gaining perspective.
but i feel no more solid or confident in what i am doing than i did when i started this journey of not-drinking; my ambivalence to the decision hasn't wavered but has, if anything, strengthened over time. i haven't attended aa since november, which is a cardinal sin of working any sort of so-called recovery and is maybe (maybe?! that's the ambivalence speaking) why i feel so stirred up over booze sometimes, having no source of sober support. i don't know what's best for me and feel really selfish making demands of those around me, "i don't ever want to hang out if you're drinking," etc. these sorts of things can be dialogued with other folks going through this process but are more difficult and seem misrepresented with those who drink.
and i am reminded of what i found most spooky about booze before i started to drink but what i really enjoyed while i drank- the insincerity of it. how a person can have a seemingly deep/fun/whatever interaction with you while under the influence but not remember it or act completely different when sober. it's really fucked up to experience as a not-drinking person. to think that the other person might not have been as present as you were in that moment... it's eerie and like speaking with a ghost or with some split-off part of their spirit. how many relationships i have that were impacted by things i never would have done/said while sober, it's sad and gross.
sometimes i am reminded of stuff i associate with drinking and it gives me the sweats- getting ready to go out- putting on nice clothes and fun music while getting ready and feeling high on the anticipation of what might happen that night. the fucking disgusting smell of booze and all the deep memories that scent holds. the sight of a pack of cigarettes in someones purse, the sound of lighting a fucking cigarette. my clients who are in recovery from crack and heroin addiction talk about the rituals associated with their use and the power of the scent of crack and i completely understand completely how quickly transported you can be by these sensory experiences.
but i feel no more solid or confident in what i am doing than i did when i started this journey of not-drinking; my ambivalence to the decision hasn't wavered but has, if anything, strengthened over time. i haven't attended aa since november, which is a cardinal sin of working any sort of so-called recovery and is maybe (maybe?! that's the ambivalence speaking) why i feel so stirred up over booze sometimes, having no source of sober support. i don't know what's best for me and feel really selfish making demands of those around me, "i don't ever want to hang out if you're drinking," etc. these sorts of things can be dialogued with other folks going through this process but are more difficult and seem misrepresented with those who drink.
and i am reminded of what i found most spooky about booze before i started to drink but what i really enjoyed while i drank- the insincerity of it. how a person can have a seemingly deep/fun/whatever interaction with you while under the influence but not remember it or act completely different when sober. it's really fucked up to experience as a not-drinking person. to think that the other person might not have been as present as you were in that moment... it's eerie and like speaking with a ghost or with some split-off part of their spirit. how many relationships i have that were impacted by things i never would have done/said while sober, it's sad and gross.
sometimes i am reminded of stuff i associate with drinking and it gives me the sweats- getting ready to go out- putting on nice clothes and fun music while getting ready and feeling high on the anticipation of what might happen that night. the fucking disgusting smell of booze and all the deep memories that scent holds. the sight of a pack of cigarettes in someones purse, the sound of lighting a fucking cigarette. my clients who are in recovery from crack and heroin addiction talk about the rituals associated with their use and the power of the scent of crack and i completely understand completely how quickly transported you can be by these sensory experiences.