(no subject)
to booze or not to booze...
my friend asked the other day what i would be looking for in having a drink. it took me back a bit. i guess the main thing is to not feel so utterly outside of stuff all the time. or the anticipatory anxiety of the presence of booze. like thinking ahead to events in the future and having panic over how to manage the situation without drinking. attending a birthday party sounds great-- but people will be drinking there! how to not be anxious? how to feel comfy talking to strangers? how to say no to drink offers? and how to manage the feelings around booze simply being present... i don't know what i think is going to happen, i just hate (HATE) to be around it. not like i think i'm going to rip it out of someone's hand but it takes me back to where i was in my early 20's before i had my first drink and the anger i experienced over folk believing that they needed booze in order to relax- how false and lazy! but add to that anger there's a new a white hot anger that i can't have it myself.
it's like i'm admitting to a weakness inside of myself that no one else sees as a problem when they do it. and it makes me furious. i think it's lame to need booze to be ennobled... but i also crave that very loosening of my inhibitions. it's all bullshit and all about my own crap, not other people drinking.
moreover, i don't want to think about it. i think about booze (or rather, think about not boozing) all the fucking time and it's frankly annoying.
i wish i could live in a world without booze, one in which i never had to encounter it or have those around me drink it. or i wish that i could drink casually but i don't know if that's possible. maybe the answer is to find a sober support network, folks who i can depend upon not drinking ever and having put a lot of thought into their not drinking. but i hate the idea of attending meetings all the time and making that a significant part of my life. i already spend so fucking much of my life listening to people talk that the idea of sitting and listening to a room full of people discuss their shit is really fucking draining. i know that it's different bc i am allowed to be personally involved in the process rather than facilitating it like i do at work. but it's still addicts talking about their addictions.
because i am not one of my clients, because i didn't lose my housing, my job, my children, and my heath due to booze it's difficult to understand the magnitude of my drinking. why should one have to lose everything to acknowledge a problem? is the fact that i have many things in my life which are hard earned and wonderful because i am not drinking? or because i've been working for a long time in order to earn it? would i risk everything by drinking? or am i at a place that i wouldn't drink like i did before? or is this all an exercise in rejecting the first step (acknowledging that i am powerless over alcohol and can thus never control my drinking) and allowing the siren song of booze to sway me?
my friend asked the other day what i would be looking for in having a drink. it took me back a bit. i guess the main thing is to not feel so utterly outside of stuff all the time. or the anticipatory anxiety of the presence of booze. like thinking ahead to events in the future and having panic over how to manage the situation without drinking. attending a birthday party sounds great-- but people will be drinking there! how to not be anxious? how to feel comfy talking to strangers? how to say no to drink offers? and how to manage the feelings around booze simply being present... i don't know what i think is going to happen, i just hate (HATE) to be around it. not like i think i'm going to rip it out of someone's hand but it takes me back to where i was in my early 20's before i had my first drink and the anger i experienced over folk believing that they needed booze in order to relax- how false and lazy! but add to that anger there's a new a white hot anger that i can't have it myself.
it's like i'm admitting to a weakness inside of myself that no one else sees as a problem when they do it. and it makes me furious. i think it's lame to need booze to be ennobled... but i also crave that very loosening of my inhibitions. it's all bullshit and all about my own crap, not other people drinking.
moreover, i don't want to think about it. i think about booze (or rather, think about not boozing) all the fucking time and it's frankly annoying.
i wish i could live in a world without booze, one in which i never had to encounter it or have those around me drink it. or i wish that i could drink casually but i don't know if that's possible. maybe the answer is to find a sober support network, folks who i can depend upon not drinking ever and having put a lot of thought into their not drinking. but i hate the idea of attending meetings all the time and making that a significant part of my life. i already spend so fucking much of my life listening to people talk that the idea of sitting and listening to a room full of people discuss their shit is really fucking draining. i know that it's different bc i am allowed to be personally involved in the process rather than facilitating it like i do at work. but it's still addicts talking about their addictions.
because i am not one of my clients, because i didn't lose my housing, my job, my children, and my heath due to booze it's difficult to understand the magnitude of my drinking. why should one have to lose everything to acknowledge a problem? is the fact that i have many things in my life which are hard earned and wonderful because i am not drinking? or because i've been working for a long time in order to earn it? would i risk everything by drinking? or am i at a place that i wouldn't drink like i did before? or is this all an exercise in rejecting the first step (acknowledging that i am powerless over alcohol and can thus never control my drinking) and allowing the siren song of booze to sway me?