I really don't know what to say
About 3-4 days ago, Chris decided to let me know he wants to stay at the canyon and that he wants us to break up.
I don't really know what else to say. I feel betrayed and hurt and just a mess. And because I'm Sammy, I can't figure out how to hate him. He literally told me that he was already fucking around with someone else and the only thing I can think of is "Okay." and just sulk because -I'm- not fucking around. I should hate him or be angry. I can admit to being slightly annoyed when he messaged me later with the words "Dating already? lol" (I was joking around about going on a series of internet dates for the sake of blogging)
The day before yesterday, I had Jon bring home some booze and completely let myself go. I guess I felt a bit angry then. I remember yelling that I didn't understand why he would change plans like that only to change them back. Or how he could be so selfish as to only think of himself. I felt like shit. Jon decided to take that time and ask me for another chance. He basically told me that he felt better about things now that Chris wasn't there to overshadow him. I remember him saying something to the extent of how Chris was obviously the better boyfriend and that he could never add up and he was upset and hurt by that. I haven't answered him yet, but I don't think I will. He was at least there to keep me from going completely insane. I had planned on getting drunk to weaken my liver and then just chug a bottle of Tylenol. The second he saw me with the bottle of pills he took them and hid them and just held me for the rest of the night. Telling me those things.
One good thing came out of the Chris situation. The day afterwards, I already had had plans to bring people over to the house for chillaxing. I has texted Stephanie and basically said "I don't know if I can have you over. Chris just broke up with me. The house is a mess. I don't have the motivation to really clean it." She decided to take it upon herself to bring JT, Taylor, and herself over with some pizza. They ended up helping me pick up the place and such. I finally asked if they knew anyone willing to go on a road trip to Huntington and I guess we're all going to be traveling to Huntington soon.
One thing I remember finding particular was Stephanie asking if I wanted to complain. Telling me she was there to listen. I smiled and said no, theres not anything I really want to say about him. It made me realize that I'm just not that type of person who does complain like that. Worst that has happened is this blog post and yesterday I told Amy the same thing I mentioned earlier. She said something about anal beads (an inside joke now) and then basically told me I need to just stop talking to him for a bit. I agree with her whole heartedly. Jon tells me the same thing. I just can't bring myself to do it. I keep thinking, what if... What if I just stick around? I don't want to miss an opportunity for him to change his mind. I also don't want to just leave him alone. I care about him way to much to risk him being vulnerable without someone to actually relate to.
I told Joe about my plans to go back to Huntington and how everything was lining up last night. I feel bad. He tried really hard to convince me to stay, citing financial reasons, friendship reasons, anything he could think of. He then started to tell me later about how much I've actually helped him with a lot of his psychological issues by just exposing him to many different things and encouraging him to try things. He was telling be about a time before he met me, when he had accidently smeared ketchup on him and honestly thought for days that he caught something. I feel terrible, because I can see the effects hes talking about. I didn't think I had that much to do with it. But I don't think its healthy for me to stay here. I have a lot of bad memories in CNY, and now on top of that I just see Chris everywhere. I tried to explain to him that Jon and I didn't really get along and that I found Jon a roommate so I could leave with no guilt. I can't bring myself to let him know the extent of just how much Jon and I don't get along and how I just can't take it anymore psychologically. Chris is pretty much one of the only people who knows it pretty close and even with him I kept a lot details to myself and was careful not to let him know everything. I'll always feel terrible about that. Especially since I planned on telling him once we were face to face just so I could tell SOMEONE. It really sucks to keep things like this to myself. I thought about telling him anyway, but I have a fear it'll push him further away from me.
/end rant
Ugh, I'm so fucking melodramatic that I can't stand myself.
I don't really know what else to say. I feel betrayed and hurt and just a mess. And because I'm Sammy, I can't figure out how to hate him. He literally told me that he was already fucking around with someone else and the only thing I can think of is "Okay." and just sulk because -I'm- not fucking around. I should hate him or be angry. I can admit to being slightly annoyed when he messaged me later with the words "Dating already? lol" (I was joking around about going on a series of internet dates for the sake of blogging)
The day before yesterday, I had Jon bring home some booze and completely let myself go. I guess I felt a bit angry then. I remember yelling that I didn't understand why he would change plans like that only to change them back. Or how he could be so selfish as to only think of himself. I felt like shit. Jon decided to take that time and ask me for another chance. He basically told me that he felt better about things now that Chris wasn't there to overshadow him. I remember him saying something to the extent of how Chris was obviously the better boyfriend and that he could never add up and he was upset and hurt by that. I haven't answered him yet, but I don't think I will. He was at least there to keep me from going completely insane. I had planned on getting drunk to weaken my liver and then just chug a bottle of Tylenol. The second he saw me with the bottle of pills he took them and hid them and just held me for the rest of the night. Telling me those things.
One good thing came out of the Chris situation. The day afterwards, I already had had plans to bring people over to the house for chillaxing. I has texted Stephanie and basically said "I don't know if I can have you over. Chris just broke up with me. The house is a mess. I don't have the motivation to really clean it." She decided to take it upon herself to bring JT, Taylor, and herself over with some pizza. They ended up helping me pick up the place and such. I finally asked if they knew anyone willing to go on a road trip to Huntington and I guess we're all going to be traveling to Huntington soon.
One thing I remember finding particular was Stephanie asking if I wanted to complain. Telling me she was there to listen. I smiled and said no, theres not anything I really want to say about him. It made me realize that I'm just not that type of person who does complain like that. Worst that has happened is this blog post and yesterday I told Amy the same thing I mentioned earlier. She said something about anal beads (an inside joke now) and then basically told me I need to just stop talking to him for a bit. I agree with her whole heartedly. Jon tells me the same thing. I just can't bring myself to do it. I keep thinking, what if... What if I just stick around? I don't want to miss an opportunity for him to change his mind. I also don't want to just leave him alone. I care about him way to much to risk him being vulnerable without someone to actually relate to.
I told Joe about my plans to go back to Huntington and how everything was lining up last night. I feel bad. He tried really hard to convince me to stay, citing financial reasons, friendship reasons, anything he could think of. He then started to tell me later about how much I've actually helped him with a lot of his psychological issues by just exposing him to many different things and encouraging him to try things. He was telling be about a time before he met me, when he had accidently smeared ketchup on him and honestly thought for days that he caught something. I feel terrible, because I can see the effects hes talking about. I didn't think I had that much to do with it. But I don't think its healthy for me to stay here. I have a lot of bad memories in CNY, and now on top of that I just see Chris everywhere. I tried to explain to him that Jon and I didn't really get along and that I found Jon a roommate so I could leave with no guilt. I can't bring myself to let him know the extent of just how much Jon and I don't get along and how I just can't take it anymore psychologically. Chris is pretty much one of the only people who knows it pretty close and even with him I kept a lot details to myself and was careful not to let him know everything. I'll always feel terrible about that. Especially since I planned on telling him once we were face to face just so I could tell SOMEONE. It really sucks to keep things like this to myself. I thought about telling him anyway, but I have a fear it'll push him further away from me.
/end rant
Ugh, I'm so fucking melodramatic that I can't stand myself.