So much for nothing negative...
I really am biting my tongue now. Not only have I not felt well enough to celebrate Samhain, which I still plan to...maybe some time this week. If it goes too much farther than that, I'm going to say that it's not worth it and will just have to wait until Yule to celebrate THAT Sabbatt! But...anyways....
Yesterday, I went and visited my cousin and his girlfriend to meet their baby girl Lucy. My goodness...she was so beautiful and precious. I was really honestly hit with the reminder that I really want children. I'm not in a place where a child could actually FIT in my life right now, but in the next few years it's something I would really like to start trying for.
So, on the way to trying to get Ed a job, I started talking to him about it. Babies are not something that are 100% planned, they are not PART of a plan, they just happen. And if you are emotionally ready for one, then by all means GO FOR IT. He, however, had a different view. That view entailed NO children. He said that he did not want children at all. So, I told him that I would just get artificially inseminated. His recoil was "I'll kill the kid". Good God. You sick, fucking bastard...really? I shut my mouth at that point and just silently cried as I drove. Dropped him off for his interview and after I parked, just sat and cried some more. When I stopped, I walked inside and waited for him and I did a lot of thinking. The thinking was...wow, do I really want to do this for the rest of my life?
The answer is "Fuck no." I want children. I want security and commitment. And clearly, I'm not getting that out of this relationship, which I have invested 7 years of my life into by the way. I'm not going to wait for another 7 fucking years for him to go "Oh, wait, I'm ready for kids now." Because I, then, will not BE! At that point, I will be unable to have kids. Thanks.
So, I've been doing a lot of thinking today. Going to go grocery shopping after work and then talk to him, as long as his ass isn't sleeping or play Battlefield 3. This is it, the point of no return. If he doesn't want kids, which btw was one of his oh-so-fucking-many "promises" that he made before coming back, then I am totally fucking done. I can find somebody more able-bodied, more committed to me than him.
At the same time, I'm having conflicted emotions. Do I love him? Shit, I honestly don't know...I know I CARE about him. Maybe I love him, but am not IN love with him....got a lot of shit to think about.
Yesterday, I went and visited my cousin and his girlfriend to meet their baby girl Lucy. My goodness...she was so beautiful and precious. I was really honestly hit with the reminder that I really want children. I'm not in a place where a child could actually FIT in my life right now, but in the next few years it's something I would really like to start trying for.
So, on the way to trying to get Ed a job, I started talking to him about it. Babies are not something that are 100% planned, they are not PART of a plan, they just happen. And if you are emotionally ready for one, then by all means GO FOR IT. He, however, had a different view. That view entailed NO children. He said that he did not want children at all. So, I told him that I would just get artificially inseminated. His recoil was "I'll kill the kid". Good God. You sick, fucking bastard...really? I shut my mouth at that point and just silently cried as I drove. Dropped him off for his interview and after I parked, just sat and cried some more. When I stopped, I walked inside and waited for him and I did a lot of thinking. The thinking was...wow, do I really want to do this for the rest of my life?
The answer is "Fuck no." I want children. I want security and commitment. And clearly, I'm not getting that out of this relationship, which I have invested 7 years of my life into by the way. I'm not going to wait for another 7 fucking years for him to go "Oh, wait, I'm ready for kids now." Because I, then, will not BE! At that point, I will be unable to have kids. Thanks.
So, I've been doing a lot of thinking today. Going to go grocery shopping after work and then talk to him, as long as his ass isn't sleeping or play Battlefield 3. This is it, the point of no return. If he doesn't want kids, which btw was one of his oh-so-fucking-many "promises" that he made before coming back, then I am totally fucking done. I can find somebody more able-bodied, more committed to me than him.
At the same time, I'm having conflicted emotions. Do I love him? Shit, I honestly don't know...I know I CARE about him. Maybe I love him, but am not IN love with him....got a lot of shit to think about.