Misadventures in Ex-dom
Be forewarned, this is going to be a rather extensive, possibly boring, and definitely emotional, entry. That being said, if you’re still reading thank you.
First and foremost...the remainder of the week. I thought that I would have an incredibly difficult time, but ever since Monday, I decided to just let things go, shed it off and try and be positive and look towards the future. I honestly think that this is the main reason why I was able to pull myself through without being totally and utterly a wreck. I’ve witnessed first hand my mother having to go through a seperation (although completely different, there are some similarities) and I did not want to have to experience the emotional trauma she’s gone through for me personally.
That being said, Thursday I was thoroughly disgusted by Ed. It’s a mute point now, but suffice to say it ruined any potential chance of having any sort of open communication with me after he’s gone (that and the continous lying to me). I came home after grocery shopping and was putting the groceries away. I told him I had considered getting Taco Bell for us for dinner, since I really didn’t feel like cooking. His response was “Okay, good, cuz I need you to take me to a drug store anyways.” I asked him why and first he told me that he wanted some sleeping aid so he could sleep on the plane. Okay fine. Then he continued and said he needed something else. He started to tell me that Mak had a girl that he had wanted him to meet…I told him to shut up, but he finished his statement. Mak had suggested that he get condoms to be prepared for this girl. I just about threw up. Why he thought it was OKAY to fucking TELL me this, I have no CLUE! He then continued to tell me how the world doesn’t think how we do, how EVERYONE is okay with casual sex, etc. etc. I was so frustrated and disgusted that, after I finished putting the groceries away, I had to go outside and call my mom. She laughed and was like “Oh my God, Beki, I’m so glad he’s leaving….what a sicko…” No thanks to this nasty little insight, I spent the remainder of Thursday and most of Friday in a funk. I was so angry at him for changing his personal beliefs to appease his new friends...just wrong.
One of my consolations this week was my new buddy (see last journal). The ever vigilant, sweet, kind, caring totem for me. I’m so stupid, but I think I’m in love *_*
Friday, I was sick, so came home early and slept until I had Dynamis on FFXI, we did Jeuno and had epic failz. Talked to Mr. Niceguy at night, repeat Saturday. Although, Saturday I walked Sable and had shitloads of heckling from asshat (Ed). Every fucking time I was on the phone with him, Ed had a running commentary. I should’ve kicked him in the nuts in his sleep. I stayed up relatively late Saturday on the phone, couldn’t sleep well since Sunday was the big day. I slept exactly 5 hours, and laid in bed trying to decipher my feelings for an additional hour and a half before I got up and got ready. When I was ready to go, I pulled my car around to the backside of our place (we’re on an alley) so he could load up the car. I was waiting for him and he was like “I have to say goodbye to the dog.” -_-
On the way to the airport, the drive down was completely quiet, except for a few random comments about stuff going on outside the vehicle. When I finally got to the stupid airport, I had no intention of getting out of the damn car but in order to get his shit out faster I leapt out and got it quickly. He stood there for a moment before he decided to hug me. He said “Take care of yourself.” And turned and left.
I could not maintain my composure as I sped away. I wasn’t doing a lot of physical crying, but I was sobbing hysterically (vocally). I managed to stave off crying almost all damn week and had no clue as to what Sunday would bring. I called my mom and talked to her for a good 20 minutes before I was able to calm down. I stopped at Ranch 99 to treat myself to some ramune, pocky and fruit jellies. It was the first thing I had eaten all day.
I finally got home and it was this odd sort of feeling, not having somebody else there. It made me feel lonely and I didn’t have anyone to talk to, so I got on FFXI to talk to a few friends. Then randomly cleaned some stuff, started washing all the bedding he used, found some shit that pissed me of f (like a ring he had given me to “hold on to” for him, he had shooved the fucking thing in my computer desk instead of taking it with him). I packed what I was taking to Goodwill and drove it there (it’s only like 5 mins away). That seemed to help somewhat.
Before I knew it, my mom showed up. I had told her I was going to treat her to a movie for Mother’s Day, but first we went to go visit Kay, my aunt’s mother-in-law who is on hospise. It was very nice to see her, but I’m saddened by the fact that she won’t be around for much longer. Then Mom and I went and saw Letters to Juliet. We both cried, but I kept telling her “Now we just need to find you an Italian man on a white horse!” We both enjoyed the movie and I think it gave her some hope. We went back to her house for dinner, plus DQ ice cream cake, and then I went home. I spent a little bit of time on the game again, after I cleaned s’more, before hitting the hay. I don’t think I really passed out until 3 am, despite going to bed around 1:30ish.
I think honestly I mourn the loss of this relationship, but deep down I know that it was just over a very long time ago. Ed had given up on us and that was what was the beginning of the end. It had nothing to do with me and everything to do with his own personal shit. He has no ambition in life, but maybe to play video games, and I don’t forsee that leading him very far. I think that I was his once-chance to maybe make something, DO something in life, worth meaning. And now it’s gone. I love that stupid, asshole boy to bits, but I’m ready to move on to bigger and better things in life and find somebody who appreciates me for me, not expecting me to be his fucking mother. I dunno if I've found it yet, but I know that I'm being treated better and respected better than I have been in a 5-year relationship and I've known this person less than a week.
First and foremost...the remainder of the week. I thought that I would have an incredibly difficult time, but ever since Monday, I decided to just let things go, shed it off and try and be positive and look towards the future. I honestly think that this is the main reason why I was able to pull myself through without being totally and utterly a wreck. I’ve witnessed first hand my mother having to go through a seperation (although completely different, there are some similarities) and I did not want to have to experience the emotional trauma she’s gone through for me personally.
That being said, Thursday I was thoroughly disgusted by Ed. It’s a mute point now, but suffice to say it ruined any potential chance of having any sort of open communication with me after he’s gone (that and the continous lying to me). I came home after grocery shopping and was putting the groceries away. I told him I had considered getting Taco Bell for us for dinner, since I really didn’t feel like cooking. His response was “Okay, good, cuz I need you to take me to a drug store anyways.” I asked him why and first he told me that he wanted some sleeping aid so he could sleep on the plane. Okay fine. Then he continued and said he needed something else. He started to tell me that Mak had a girl that he had wanted him to meet…I told him to shut up, but he finished his statement. Mak had suggested that he get condoms to be prepared for this girl. I just about threw up. Why he thought it was OKAY to fucking TELL me this, I have no CLUE! He then continued to tell me how the world doesn’t think how we do, how EVERYONE is okay with casual sex, etc. etc. I was so frustrated and disgusted that, after I finished putting the groceries away, I had to go outside and call my mom. She laughed and was like “Oh my God, Beki, I’m so glad he’s leaving….what a sicko…” No thanks to this nasty little insight, I spent the remainder of Thursday and most of Friday in a funk. I was so angry at him for changing his personal beliefs to appease his new friends...just wrong.
One of my consolations this week was my new buddy (see last journal). The ever vigilant, sweet, kind, caring totem for me. I’m so stupid, but I think I’m in love *_*
Friday, I was sick, so came home early and slept until I had Dynamis on FFXI, we did Jeuno and had epic failz. Talked to Mr. Niceguy at night, repeat Saturday. Although, Saturday I walked Sable and had shitloads of heckling from asshat (Ed). Every fucking time I was on the phone with him, Ed had a running commentary. I should’ve kicked him in the nuts in his sleep. I stayed up relatively late Saturday on the phone, couldn’t sleep well since Sunday was the big day. I slept exactly 5 hours, and laid in bed trying to decipher my feelings for an additional hour and a half before I got up and got ready. When I was ready to go, I pulled my car around to the backside of our place (we’re on an alley) so he could load up the car. I was waiting for him and he was like “I have to say goodbye to the dog.” -_-
On the way to the airport, the drive down was completely quiet, except for a few random comments about stuff going on outside the vehicle. When I finally got to the stupid airport, I had no intention of getting out of the damn car but in order to get his shit out faster I leapt out and got it quickly. He stood there for a moment before he decided to hug me. He said “Take care of yourself.” And turned and left.
I could not maintain my composure as I sped away. I wasn’t doing a lot of physical crying, but I was sobbing hysterically (vocally). I managed to stave off crying almost all damn week and had no clue as to what Sunday would bring. I called my mom and talked to her for a good 20 minutes before I was able to calm down. I stopped at Ranch 99 to treat myself to some ramune, pocky and fruit jellies. It was the first thing I had eaten all day.
I finally got home and it was this odd sort of feeling, not having somebody else there. It made me feel lonely and I didn’t have anyone to talk to, so I got on FFXI to talk to a few friends. Then randomly cleaned some stuff, started washing all the bedding he used, found some shit that pissed me of f (like a ring he had given me to “hold on to” for him, he had shooved the fucking thing in my computer desk instead of taking it with him). I packed what I was taking to Goodwill and drove it there (it’s only like 5 mins away). That seemed to help somewhat.
Before I knew it, my mom showed up. I had told her I was going to treat her to a movie for Mother’s Day, but first we went to go visit Kay, my aunt’s mother-in-law who is on hospise. It was very nice to see her, but I’m saddened by the fact that she won’t be around for much longer. Then Mom and I went and saw Letters to Juliet. We both cried, but I kept telling her “Now we just need to find you an Italian man on a white horse!” We both enjoyed the movie and I think it gave her some hope. We went back to her house for dinner, plus DQ ice cream cake, and then I went home. I spent a little bit of time on the game again, after I cleaned s’more, before hitting the hay. I don’t think I really passed out until 3 am, despite going to bed around 1:30ish.
I think honestly I mourn the loss of this relationship, but deep down I know that it was just over a very long time ago. Ed had given up on us and that was what was the beginning of the end. It had nothing to do with me and everything to do with his own personal shit. He has no ambition in life, but maybe to play video games, and I don’t forsee that leading him very far. I think that I was his once-chance to maybe make something, DO something in life, worth meaning. And now it’s gone. I love that stupid, asshole boy to bits, but I’m ready to move on to bigger and better things in life and find somebody who appreciates me for me, not expecting me to be his fucking mother. I dunno if I've found it yet, but I know that I'm being treated better and respected better than I have been in a 5-year relationship and I've known this person less than a week.