Scared
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.
Or, the more common term used....fuck my life.
I mean, there's nothing wrong, when you look at it. I feel shitty because I don't think that, rationally, I have NOTHING to complain about. I'm currently going to the best fucking school in my state, and one of the top 50 in the USA, damn it. I haven't gotten anything lower than a B all year on my report cards and progress reports, my GPA is through the roof. I like all of my classes I'm in, except for Chemistry, which can go fuck itself for all I care, as long as I get a passing grade when it's over. But....fuck my life.
I've been feeling like this for almost all week now, which sucks, because this is supposed to be the best week of the entire school year. We have one class all week, that meets for five hours a day. I signed up for a Shakespeare class. We read Shakespeare and discuss it. That's all. It's a dream class...if that man was alive, he'd be my husband...or i'd stalk him until I get thrown in jail...whichever works. Anyway. This class means that I have a shitload of free time.
Best friend...with her boyfriend, sorry.
Other best friend....with her boyfriend, we can hang out later
two other friends on hall.....off campus this weekend hanging with College guys/boyfriends
other friend....with girlfriend
other friend.....taking fucking PHYSICS and working on disproving a law....not even going there
Everyone else is off campus, in other parts of the world for their classes, building houses or researching Italian architecture in Venice. Just had a fall out with a huge best friend of mine who basically called me a fucking bitch and now I'm not talking to him for fear of spitting at/hitting him when I see him.
So I'm sitting there, with literally nothing to do, and everyone is busy. I have a prom dress in my closet, and no one to wear it for.
That's all monday.
Tuesday is the same thing, but this time I have something to do. I have a Congress tournament Saturday, so I get to prepare. Ok, 10 pieces of legislation to write about. I've done 7 of them, and out of the final 6, halfway through my first of 3 that I'm going to do for tomorrow....Just watched "Life as we Know It" and am feeling really shitty about everything.
College. Fuck. I don't wanna think about it. Next year I'm a Senior. I fill out applications starting in two months. My SAT score sucks ASS for the schools I want to get into, which basically require an almost perfect score. I'm running around with all of my debate and speech and mock trial activities, but when I pull together a resume, it looks like I laze about all day and do nothing. I'm scared that I'm not going to get into the school I want, and will be spending, starting end of 2012, the next 4 years on a campus that I loath because I WASN'T GOOD ENOUGH. I don't even know if I want to do what I'm going to school for. Law is great, and I think I love it. But I don't know....I don't know, and I'm scared I'm gonna get a masters or whatever and get a job and realize that I hate it. That I hate it and can't do anything about it because student loans are a bitch and I made a decision. Of course, that is if I get into the school I want. I'm applying to TEN FUCKING SCHOOLS. Eight of which I'm scared I wont get in because I'm not good enough, and the other two I don't want to go to, but I have to apply, because they're safety schools.
The next four saturdays of my life don't exist, and it's all for school. School. School. School. School. School. Work. Work. Work. Work. Fucking Work.
I tried talking to my best friend, but she just puts on this fucking "mother voice" talking slowly and monotone because she thinks it will calm me down. Then she hugs me and leaves because her boyfriend is waiting outside and she hasn't made out with him in over 24 hours, and she's dying if she doesn't see him in the next few minutes. I feel like I'm falling apart and I can't talk to anyone, because everyone's happy and I don't want to ruin that.
I can't do this.
Or, the more common term used....fuck my life.
I mean, there's nothing wrong, when you look at it. I feel shitty because I don't think that, rationally, I have NOTHING to complain about. I'm currently going to the best fucking school in my state, and one of the top 50 in the USA, damn it. I haven't gotten anything lower than a B all year on my report cards and progress reports, my GPA is through the roof. I like all of my classes I'm in, except for Chemistry, which can go fuck itself for all I care, as long as I get a passing grade when it's over. But....fuck my life.
I've been feeling like this for almost all week now, which sucks, because this is supposed to be the best week of the entire school year. We have one class all week, that meets for five hours a day. I signed up for a Shakespeare class. We read Shakespeare and discuss it. That's all. It's a dream class...if that man was alive, he'd be my husband...or i'd stalk him until I get thrown in jail...whichever works. Anyway. This class means that I have a shitload of free time.
Best friend...with her boyfriend, sorry.
Other best friend....with her boyfriend, we can hang out later
two other friends on hall.....off campus this weekend hanging with College guys/boyfriends
other friend....with girlfriend
other friend.....taking fucking PHYSICS and working on disproving a law....not even going there
Everyone else is off campus, in other parts of the world for their classes, building houses or researching Italian architecture in Venice. Just had a fall out with a huge best friend of mine who basically called me a fucking bitch and now I'm not talking to him for fear of spitting at/hitting him when I see him.
So I'm sitting there, with literally nothing to do, and everyone is busy. I have a prom dress in my closet, and no one to wear it for.
That's all monday.
Tuesday is the same thing, but this time I have something to do. I have a Congress tournament Saturday, so I get to prepare. Ok, 10 pieces of legislation to write about. I've done 7 of them, and out of the final 6, halfway through my first of 3 that I'm going to do for tomorrow....Just watched "Life as we Know It" and am feeling really shitty about everything.
College. Fuck. I don't wanna think about it. Next year I'm a Senior. I fill out applications starting in two months. My SAT score sucks ASS for the schools I want to get into, which basically require an almost perfect score. I'm running around with all of my debate and speech and mock trial activities, but when I pull together a resume, it looks like I laze about all day and do nothing. I'm scared that I'm not going to get into the school I want, and will be spending, starting end of 2012, the next 4 years on a campus that I loath because I WASN'T GOOD ENOUGH. I don't even know if I want to do what I'm going to school for. Law is great, and I think I love it. But I don't know....I don't know, and I'm scared I'm gonna get a masters or whatever and get a job and realize that I hate it. That I hate it and can't do anything about it because student loans are a bitch and I made a decision. Of course, that is if I get into the school I want. I'm applying to TEN FUCKING SCHOOLS. Eight of which I'm scared I wont get in because I'm not good enough, and the other two I don't want to go to, but I have to apply, because they're safety schools.
The next four saturdays of my life don't exist, and it's all for school. School. School. School. School. School. Work. Work. Work. Work. Fucking Work.
I tried talking to my best friend, but she just puts on this fucking "mother voice" talking slowly and monotone because she thinks it will calm me down. Then she hugs me and leaves because her boyfriend is waiting outside and she hasn't made out with him in over 24 hours, and she's dying if she doesn't see him in the next few minutes. I feel like I'm falling apart and I can't talk to anyone, because everyone's happy and I don't want to ruin that.
I can't do this.