(no subject)

Oct 27, 2005 11:46

i'll not pretend to know how anything feels because it's not me feeling it. i won't act like a few minutes worth of mundane, strained conversation is supposed to make it all better. and don't think i'm ever assuming that i'm perfectly in tune with the wants or needs of anyone but myself; sometimes, not even then.

i used to write in here about things other than relationship highs and lows. i used to actually have topics worth thinking about (at least, i would think about) instead of some half assed diatribe on why i hate certain people. and while i can very well pin my lack of worthwhile posting on my lack of time and patience, i can't very well say that's a valid reason. because i do want to write something. anything less shallow than some stupid he said/she said bullshit that i inevitably end up writing.

there's definitely something wrong with being so adamant about being above that high school crap and yet still resorting to it when there's nothing better to do. hypocritical, absolutely. i'll be the first to admit. but what else is there? hypocrisy is what we were all raised on. have some classic saturday morning cartoons (bugs bunny was always a good looking woman) with your cap't crunch sprinkled with hypocrisy. spoon-fed nothing but constant contradictions. do as i say, not as i do- and i give it to my son nearly every evening for dinner with his mashed potatoes and hot dogs. don't touch this, but i can. don't do that, though you just saw me do it. i can't stand to see him so interested in cigarettes because he sees mommy smoking.

i have a point. i swear i do. and that reassurance is directed more at myself than anyone reading this.

when we were little, jumping off the side of the couch with a towel tied around your neck automatically made you The Toweled Titan. (we had no clue what a titan was, but it sounded good.) evil doers beware, the Titan is near.

simplicity and hypocrisy- i'll take one if i can have the other. lie to me all day long, tell me what i'm not supposed to do as you do it in front of me. just as long as it's simple enough for me to sleep at night and think "well, that wasn't fair. but that's just the way it is." i'd much rather prefer to have reasoning and justification handed to me that doesn't surpass anything other than "because i said so."

and no, i want no one to do my thinking for me. but i'd like to have some one, for once, take the lead and tell me "this is how it's going to be because i said so" and for once, have me take them seriously. try to tell me what i'm going to do and how i'm going to do it now, and i'll probably punch you in the throat.

i guess it all boils down to a loss of innocence. which i've rambled on about before. but there it is.

that is all.
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