A reclusive admission
I was speechless today. I don’t know if I came to a point where I desensitized myself to people, death and just emotional responses but today someone told me that a love one passed away and I felt terrible but I could barely say anything to try to comfort her. I’ve been there a few times myself and it’s beyond wretched. Now… I just don’t know anymore. There’s just too much death, too much sadness and pain that the good moments are becoming rare. It’s not just for me it’s for a lot people. I don’t know if I personally come to this point where it’s simply hard to talk to people. I barely have any friends here in the city and when I did hang out with my friends there were only two or three of us. Most of the time I’ve always been by myself, even while I was growing up. Always cooped up in my room and stuck in my head. I am in a relationship that at times I feel completely lonely or felt like I was talking to a brick wall of emotions. I think we have the same emotional responses at certain situations, so it’s difficult. All in all, I’ve been lonely and reclusive most of my life. It’s so hard to have social interactions and when I'm put in them then I try my best to not be myself. Sometimes I wonder if I’m destined to always be alone. Not that there’s anything really wrong with that, it just feels a bit painful to realize. Have to realize that I had to face death alone most of the time. With my grandmom it was slightly different but still hard to grasp. There's just too much regret to really face her death completely. So I smile and act like everything is ok. It's so much easier to hide the pain, to keep smiling. I've done that for so long I'm numbed myself from everything and everyone. I just feel so terrible and I sincerely hope that my co-worker is going to be okay. I'm going to work out...