Texts from Last Night Table
Giant table is giant
1.(814): Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
2.(815): Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
3.(978): im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
(1-978): this is your brother
4.(561): Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
5.(817): So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
6.(262): She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
7.(+06): We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
8.(913): I JUST WANT SOMEBODY TO EXPLAIN HOW FORESKIN WORKS AND DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHY THIS IS A PROBLEM.
9.(214): Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
(214): If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
10.(516): you left your dildo in my car
(516): rules of finders keepers apply
11.(704): She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
12.(316): She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar...
13.(608): I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
14.(804): I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
15.(559): So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
(1-559): That depends on who this is.
16.(404): I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
17.(804): And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
18.(336): I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
19.(250): I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
20.(210): I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.
21.(805): I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
22.(856): Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
23.(951): We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
24.(330): I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
25.(248): I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
26.(413): It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
27.(918): You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
(1-918): Shut up. I did not.
(918): I really wish I was making that up.
28.(678): My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
29.(678): Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
30.(724): He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
31.(716): as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
(1-716): momma always taught us never to change for a boy...
32.(828): last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
33.(954): i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
34.(248): Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
(248): If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
35.(774): I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
36.(925): I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
37.(904): I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
38.(973): They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
39.(860): How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
40.(850): The answer to your question is yes. I am wearing a star of david to the bar in order attract a jewish man.
41.(704): You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points
at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
42.(415): Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
43.(813): she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
44.(863): There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
45.(804): by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
46.(816): They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
47.(910): Mom said you looked used
48.(601): your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
49.(214): I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
50.(540): AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
51.(417): Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
52.(+44): Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
53.(412): I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call
54.(641): Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
55.(914): I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
56.(623): Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
(1-623): That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
57.(920): its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
58.(408): I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life
59.(630): he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
60.(224): My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
(312): Elaborate
(224): Strip Mario-Kart
61.(860): I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
62.(208): so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
63.(330): Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
64.(210): so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
65.(443): I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
66.(708): We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
67.(732): I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
(516): one can only hope.
68.(804): you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
69.(732): im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid.
70.(478): Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
71.(310): Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
(310): Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
72.(518): Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
(978): Can't be the first without the last
73.(610): I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
74.(608): I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
75.(303): okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
(785): again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
76.(504): That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
77.(216): I don't usually arrange sex via text message
78.(651): No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
(1-651): She still started it.
79.(630): Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
80.(812): obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
81.(515): does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
82.(607): I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
83.(978): Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
84.(512): There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
85.(910): I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
86.(203): Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
87.(925): He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
88.(407): Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
89.(734): He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
90.(708): it's taking a lot of effort to be mature and not reply to her with like a video of bestiality porn
91.(212): Of course we end up in a gay bar... And I have to tell you there are some hot dudes here, should I pass around your Facebook?
92.(859): That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
93.(402): how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
94.(908): he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
95.(719): I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
96.(301): Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you
97.(262): he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
98.(740): His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
99.(704): That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
100.(314): For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
101.(702): Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
102.(218): Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
103.(610): it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
104.(910): "Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
(770): Nope, his last birthday was.
105.(419): I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
106.(281): I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
107.(858): batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
108.(480): my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
109.(587): Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
110.(708): I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture... this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
111.(207): so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
112.(414): It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
113.(484): future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
114.(330): I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
115.(413): i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
116.(914): ive never been so in love with another man before, in a totally none sexual way... no homo
117.(662): She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
118.(631): He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
119.(445): We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
120.(618): Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
121.(708): we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
122.(304): My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
123.(512): i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
124.(405): I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
125.(312): Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
126.(847): HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
127.(936): he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
(812): and...?
(936): I told him it was alright.
128.(949): Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
129.(864): Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
130.(907): He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
131.(847): just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
132.(209): it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
133.(502): I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
134.(607): you need to leave class get on facebook and start untagging IMMEDIATELY
135.(678): Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
136.(304): Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
137.(617): what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
138.(612): I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
139.(704): Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
140.(253): DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
141.(931): Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
142.(218): You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
143.(916): The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
144.(631): So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
145.(828): my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
146.(504): Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
147.(401): Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
148.(818): I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
149.(619): I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
(1-619): Very innocently.
150.(347): k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
151.(515): Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
152.(434): So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
153.(580): it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
154.(+61): Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
155.(313): I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
(734): What'd you do?
(313): Its more like what im about to do.
156.(321): Why do you have to go to the hospital?
(407): I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
157.(405): sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
158.(262): I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
159.(908): I'm sorry that you just had your first misguided homo experience
160.(701): I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
161.(850): I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
162.(718): I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
163.(201): You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
164.(559): Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
165.(203): I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
166.(336): If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
167.(847): Rock
(630): Scissors
(630): Fuck
168.(207): So yes, he's hot, a scorpio, an artist and a perfect cock. I think my bi train just arrived in gay town.
169.(636): You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
(847): What did I say?
(636): Don't ask me questions while I have an erection
170.(503): the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
171.(716): We did like every position then did it again this morning. Something about him being the little boy i used to make sand castles with just made it way hotter.
(907): well done
172.(214): Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
173.(573): worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
174.(402): your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
175.(773): They better compete for your attention. Duel to the fuck
176.(512): Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
177.(256): I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
178.(707): My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
179.(815): My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
180.(712): Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
181.(270): I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
182.(440): uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
183.(614): Black lace...the rest is up to ur imagination
184.(217): it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
185.(641): FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
186.(425): I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
187.(416): sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
188.(519): Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
189.(951): My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
190.(817): getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
191.(425): Hi
(805): Babe...You're really smothering me right now
192.(870): do you think it i'm gay because i was in a 3 way lastnight?
(1-870): well not if you dont touch the other dude and concentrate on the chic
(870): what chic?
193.(254): What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
194.(816): My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
195.(760): But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
(530): I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
196.(304): He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
197.(410): i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
198.(262): But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
199.(641): You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
200.(503): He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long.
201.(973): That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
202.(540): we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
203.(503): Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
204.(252): I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
205.(440): I love you
(720): are you drunk
(440): yes but I def love you, we should get married
(720): But I'm Jewish
(440): embrace Jesus
206.(313): Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
207.(612): The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
208.(718): Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
209.(973): What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
210.(504): I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
211.(440): The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
212.(856): he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
(215): no pressure.
213.(201): if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
214.(516): I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick
215.(719): If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
216.(336): By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
217.(708): He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
218.(763): We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
219.(817): They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
220.(218): Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
(1-218): Both?
221.(778): Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
222.(250): he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
223. (585): I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
224. (206): He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him.
225. (908): His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
(732): sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
226. (231): Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
227. (704): There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
228. (636): His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
229. (310): Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
(312): Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
230.(708): We're gonna have to suck it up and start making out for free drinks. No homo. I'm watching Tyra "I kissed a girl and I got free drinks."
(1-708): Let's do it. All homo
231. (413): Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
232. (860): Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
233. (215): you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
234. (306): So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
235. (734): So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
(810): You're 20.
(734): IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
236. (937): [insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
237. (517): Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
238. (303): Say it nicely.
(1-303): Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
239. (919): Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
240. (510): Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
241. (617): I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
242. (919): Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
243. (713): I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
(512): babe, don't say it like that!
(713): I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
244. (215): The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
245. (305): MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
246. (626): Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
247. (406): I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
248. (870): He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
249. (612): My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
250. (217): Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
251. (317): I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
252. (504): his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
253. (615): I'm watching ellen!
(1-615): just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
254. (512): We need to rekindle our bromance
255. (641): He smells so good today
(1-641): Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
256. (518): I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
257. (818): So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
258. (303): friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
259. (713): screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
260. (631): Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
261. (780): So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
262. (715): Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
263. (515): nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
264. (216): Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
265. (440): I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
266. (708): I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
267. (250): Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
268. (231): My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
269. (570): He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
(1-570): Marry him. Now.
270. (419): Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
271. (413): You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
272. (650): I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
273. (863): And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
274. (608): When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
(262): Sorry. Im on my way.
275. (973): Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
276. (513): why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
277. (804): Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
278. (417): Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
279. (865): What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
280. (217): the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
281. (910): So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
282. (256): Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
(662): Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
283. (518): He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
284. (330): I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
285. (609): Wow senior week shows you new things about yourself
(1-609): Is this the I'm gay speech?
286. (503): i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
(360): let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
287. (804): God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
288. (770): Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
289. (978): If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
290. (678): Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
291. (628): i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
292. (808): Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
293. (530): Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
294. (409): The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
295. (903): I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
296. (626): What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
297. (734): Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
298. (847): just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
299. (978): As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
300. (248): we can add "stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done" to my list of maybe-felonies
301.Was a repeat. Oops.
302. (315): Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
303. (404): she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
304. (919): is it consensual if they're cheered on by a room filled with 30 people?
305. (409): I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
306. (205): I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
307. (204): You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
308. (304): Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
309. (303): We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
310. (770): FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
(770): Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
311. (443): There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
312. (817): Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
313. (609): I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex.
314. (618): My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
315. (840): Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
316. (917): you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
317. (334): He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
318. (816): I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast. Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
319. (646): My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
320. (754): you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
321. (971): I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
322. (480): just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
323. (617): I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
324. (214): we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
325. (419): I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
326. (662): Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
327. (703): we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
328. (541): Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
329. (603): I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
330. (919): And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
331. (678): Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
332. (801): You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
333. (408): Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
334. (914): im gay
(203): i know
(914): yea but for you.
335. (931): I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
336. (330): Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
337. (847): Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
338. (517): Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
339. (303): i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
340. (615): of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
341. (919): and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
342. (954): i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
343. (201): "romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
344. (603): Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
345. (262): The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
346. (512): I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
(1-512): Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
347. (573): You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
348. (732): It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
349. (317): im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
350. (540): what do you have against ST
(1-540): DO NOT ABBREVIATE LIKE YOU AND STAR TREK ARE FRIENDS.
351. (440): But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
352. (703): look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
353. (502): Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
354. (917): found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
355. (831): It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
356. (978): Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
357. (317): So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing
358. (847): We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
359. (908): My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
360. (905): I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
361. (443): Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
362. (617): There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
363. (559): the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
364. (360): I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
365. (314): I drank myself into bisexuality again.
1.(814): Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
2.(815): Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
3.(978): im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
(1-978): this is your brother
4.(561): Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
5.(817): So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
6.(262): She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
7.(+06): We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
8.(913): I JUST WANT SOMEBODY TO EXPLAIN HOW FORESKIN WORKS AND DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHY THIS IS A PROBLEM.
9.(214): Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
(214): If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
10.(516): you left your dildo in my car
(516): rules of finders keepers apply
11.(704): She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
12.(316): She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar...
13.(608): I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
14.(804): I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
15.(559): So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
(1-559): That depends on who this is.
16.(404): I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
17.(804): And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
18.(336): I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
19.(250): I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
20.(210): I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.
21.(805): I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
22.(856): Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
23.(951): We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
24.(330): I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
25.(248): I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
26.(413): It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
27.(918): You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
(1-918): Shut up. I did not.
(918): I really wish I was making that up.
28.(678): My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
29.(678): Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
30.(724): He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
31.(716): as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
(1-716): momma always taught us never to change for a boy...
32.(828): last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
33.(954): i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
34.(248): Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
(248): If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
35.(774): I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
36.(925): I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
37.(904): I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
38.(973): They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
39.(860): How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
40.(850): The answer to your question is yes. I am wearing a star of david to the bar in order attract a jewish man.
41.(704): You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points
at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
42.(415): Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
43.(813): she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
44.(863): There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
45.(804): by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
46.(816): They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
47.(910): Mom said you looked used
48.(601): your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
49.(214): I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
50.(540): AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
51.(417): Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
52.(+44): Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
53.(412): I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call
54.(641): Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
55.(914): I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
56.(623): Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
(1-623): That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
57.(920): its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
58.(408): I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life
59.(630): he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
60.(224): My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
(312): Elaborate
(224): Strip Mario-Kart
61.(860): I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
62.(208): so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
63.(330): Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
64.(210): so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
65.(443): I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
66.(708): We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
67.(732): I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
(516): one can only hope.
68.(804): you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
69.(732): im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid.
70.(478): Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
71.(310): Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
(310): Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
72.(518): Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
(978): Can't be the first without the last
73.(610): I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
74.(608): I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
75.(303): okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
(785): again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
76.(504): That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
77.(216): I don't usually arrange sex via text message
78.(651): No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
(1-651): She still started it.
79.(630): Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
80.(812): obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
81.(515): does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
82.(607): I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
83.(978): Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
84.(512): There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
85.(910): I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
86.(203): Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
87.(925): He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
88.(407): Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
89.(734): He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
90.(708): it's taking a lot of effort to be mature and not reply to her with like a video of bestiality porn
91.(212): Of course we end up in a gay bar... And I have to tell you there are some hot dudes here, should I pass around your Facebook?
92.(859): That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
93.(402): how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
94.(908): he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
95.(719): I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
96.(301): Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you
97.(262): he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
98.(740): His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
99.(704): That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
100.(314): For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
101.(702): Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
102.(218): Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
103.(610): it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
104.(910): "Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
(770): Nope, his last birthday was.
105.(419): I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
106.(281): I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
107.(858): batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
108.(480): my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
109.(587): Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
110.(708): I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture... this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
111.(207): so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
112.(414): It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
113.(484): future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
114.(330): I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
115.(413): i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
116.(914): ive never been so in love with another man before, in a totally none sexual way... no homo
117.(662): She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
118.(631): He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
119.(445): We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
120.(618): Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
121.(708): we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
122.(304): My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
123.(512): i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
124.(405): I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
125.(312): Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
126.(847): HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
127.(936): he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
(812): and...?
(936): I told him it was alright.
128.(949): Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
129.(864): Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
130.(907): He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
131.(847): just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
132.(209): it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
133.(502): I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
134.(607): you need to leave class get on facebook and start untagging IMMEDIATELY
135.(678): Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
136.(304): Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
137.(617): what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
138.(612): I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
139.(704): Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
140.(253): DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
141.(931): Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
142.(218): You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
143.(916): The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
144.(631): So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
145.(828): my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
146.(504): Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
147.(401): Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
148.(818): I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
149.(619): I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
(1-619): Very innocently.
150.(347): k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
151.(515): Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
152.(434): So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
153.(580): it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
154.(+61): Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
155.(313): I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
(734): What'd you do?
(313): Its more like what im about to do.
156.(321): Why do you have to go to the hospital?
(407): I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
157.(405): sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
158.(262): I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
159.(908): I'm sorry that you just had your first misguided homo experience
160.(701): I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
161.(850): I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
162.(718): I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
163.(201): You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
164.(559): Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
165.(203): I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
166.(336): If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
167.(847): Rock
(630): Scissors
(630): Fuck
168.(207): So yes, he's hot, a scorpio, an artist and a perfect cock. I think my bi train just arrived in gay town.
169.(636): You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
(847): What did I say?
(636): Don't ask me questions while I have an erection
170.(503): the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
171.(716): We did like every position then did it again this morning. Something about him being the little boy i used to make sand castles with just made it way hotter.
(907): well done
172.(214): Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
173.(573): worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
174.(402): your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
175.(773): They better compete for your attention. Duel to the fuck
176.(512): Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
177.(256): I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
178.(707): My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
179.(815): My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
180.(712): Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
181.(270): I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
182.(440): uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
183.(614): Black lace...the rest is up to ur imagination
184.(217): it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
185.(641): FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
186.(425): I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
187.(416): sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
188.(519): Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
189.(951): My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
190.(817): getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
191.(425): Hi
(805): Babe...You're really smothering me right now
192.(870): do you think it i'm gay because i was in a 3 way lastnight?
(1-870): well not if you dont touch the other dude and concentrate on the chic
(870): what chic?
193.(254): What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
194.(816): My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
195.(760): But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
(530): I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
196.(304): He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
197.(410): i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
198.(262): But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
199.(641): You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
200.(503): He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long.
201.(973): That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
202.(540): we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
203.(503): Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
204.(252): I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
205.(440): I love you
(720): are you drunk
(440): yes but I def love you, we should get married
(720): But I'm Jewish
(440): embrace Jesus
206.(313): Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
207.(612): The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
208.(718): Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
209.(973): What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
210.(504): I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
211.(440): The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
212.(856): he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
(215): no pressure.
213.(201): if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
214.(516): I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick
215.(719): If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
216.(336): By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
217.(708): He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
218.(763): We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
219.(817): They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
220.(218): Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
(1-218): Both?
221.(778): Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
222.(250): he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
223. (585): I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
224. (206): He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him.
225. (908): His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
(732): sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
226. (231): Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
227. (704): There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
228. (636): His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
229. (310): Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
(312): Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
230.(708): We're gonna have to suck it up and start making out for free drinks. No homo. I'm watching Tyra "I kissed a girl and I got free drinks."
(1-708): Let's do it. All homo
231. (413): Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
232. (860): Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
233. (215): you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
234. (306): So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
235. (734): So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
(810): You're 20.
(734): IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
236. (937): [insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
237. (517): Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
238. (303): Say it nicely.
(1-303): Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
239. (919): Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
240. (510): Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
241. (617): I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
242. (919): Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
243. (713): I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
(512): babe, don't say it like that!
(713): I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
244. (215): The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
245. (305): MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
246. (626): Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
247. (406): I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
248. (870): He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
249. (612): My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
250. (217): Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
251. (317): I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
252. (504): his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
253. (615): I'm watching ellen!
(1-615): just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
254. (512): We need to rekindle our bromance
255. (641): He smells so good today
(1-641): Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
256. (518): I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
257. (818): So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
258. (303): friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
259. (713): screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
260. (631): Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
261. (780): So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
262. (715): Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
263. (515): nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
264. (216): Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
265. (440): I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
266. (708): I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
267. (250): Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
268. (231): My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
269. (570): He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
(1-570): Marry him. Now.
270. (419): Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
271. (413): You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
272. (650): I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
273. (863): And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
274. (608): When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
(262): Sorry. Im on my way.
275. (973): Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
276. (513): why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
277. (804): Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
278. (417): Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
279. (865): What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
280. (217): the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
281. (910): So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
282. (256): Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
(662): Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
283. (518): He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
284. (330): I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
285. (609): Wow senior week shows you new things about yourself
(1-609): Is this the I'm gay speech?
286. (503): i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
(360): let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
287. (804): God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
288. (770): Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
289. (978): If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
290. (678): Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
291. (628): i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
292. (808): Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
293. (530): Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
294. (409): The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
295. (903): I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
296. (626): What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
297. (734): Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
298. (847): just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
299. (978): As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
300. (248): we can add "stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done" to my list of maybe-felonies
301.Was a repeat. Oops.
302. (315): Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
303. (404): she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
304. (919): is it consensual if they're cheered on by a room filled with 30 people?
305. (409): I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
306. (205): I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
307. (204): You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
308. (304): Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
309. (303): We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
310. (770): FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
(770): Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
311. (443): There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
312. (817): Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
313. (609): I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex.
314. (618): My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
315. (840): Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
316. (917): you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
317. (334): He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
318. (816): I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast. Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
319. (646): My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
320. (754): you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
321. (971): I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
322. (480): just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
323. (617): I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
324. (214): we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
325. (419): I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
326. (662): Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
327. (703): we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
328. (541): Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
329. (603): I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
330. (919): And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
331. (678): Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
332. (801): You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
333. (408): Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
334. (914): im gay
(203): i know
(914): yea but for you.
335. (931): I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
336. (330): Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
337. (847): Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
338. (517): Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
339. (303): i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
340. (615): of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
341. (919): and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
342. (954): i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
343. (201): "romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
344. (603): Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
345. (262): The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
346. (512): I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
(1-512): Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
347. (573): You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
348. (732): It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
349. (317): im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
350. (540): what do you have against ST
(1-540): DO NOT ABBREVIATE LIKE YOU AND STAR TREK ARE FRIENDS.
351. (440): But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
352. (703): look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
353. (502): Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
354. (917): found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
355. (831): It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
356. (978): Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
357. (317): So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing
358. (847): We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
359. (908): My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
360. (905): I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
361. (443): Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
362. (617): There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
363. (559): the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
364. (360): I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
365. (314): I drank myself into bisexuality again.