You could have been all that I wanted
Well you're just as I presumed
A whore in sheep's clothing
Fucking up all I do
And if so here we stop
Then never again
Will you see this in your life
I don't know who I am. I don't know where I'm going, much less where I belong. I've been living in solitude this week, it's been odd. I'm not normally one to rush home after school. I've been sitting in my room playing oblivion. I guess I haven't been completely alone. Don, Higgins, and Thomas came over the other night. Last night I hung out with Waylan and Thomas. But I've been primarily alone. I think I've needed the solitude. I've been stressing out a lot over this whole growing up thing. It's one thing to act older, have older friends, and be treated like you're older, but still get allowance, live at home, and have mommy cook you dinner and bring you coffee in the morning. I haven't had to worry about finances, about school (I simply bullshit my way through things), I haven't had really anything to worry about. But now, now I do. I'm about to be pushed out of the nest, thrust into this new world. Well, my dad said I could take a year or so off if I needed, but I just want to get this college thing done and over with. But I'm severly afraid because I don't know what I'm going to do or where I'm going in life. I need some sort of direction, but I'm unsure in every path. What does one do then? I know, I know, everyone feels like this. But I feel like they don't. It seems like everyone is so much better prepared for this than I am. They all seem to know what they're doing, what they're getting their degree in, what they'll be when they grow up. But I have no idea what is ahead of me. What I'd be good at. I wish someone would just be brutally honest with me. Tell me, please, am I good at anything? I feel like everyone just tells me that I'm good at something but really I'm not.
I mean, I can understand, I do exagerrate sometimes, tell someone they're better at something than they really are, but I do need an honest opinion even if it stings a bit. I wish more people would look at the photos that I've taken, and tell me if I have something going for me or not. Please. It would help me out so much more than you realize. I wish I had the confidence to just run with things. Just see where it takes me, even if I suck at it. I started to have some confidence about photography, but when I took Clark's digital photography course, it wasn't what I wanted. The assignments sucked. I hated them, then I got sick, and ended up dropping the class because I fell so far behind. I'm afraid if I actually choose photography at Evergreen (which I haven't even gotten into yet, much less applied) that I'll end up hating it like I did here. I suppose I could change majors, but it seems like such a waste to decide on something like that and then turn around and change my mind. ugh. Oh well. Miles is right. I am stressing about this too much. I'm off to ballroom class, then to get an 1/8 with Carole, and that will make me not stress out so much.
A whore in sheep's clothing
Fucking up all I do
And if so here we stop
Then never again
Will you see this in your life
I don't know who I am. I don't know where I'm going, much less where I belong. I've been living in solitude this week, it's been odd. I'm not normally one to rush home after school. I've been sitting in my room playing oblivion. I guess I haven't been completely alone. Don, Higgins, and Thomas came over the other night. Last night I hung out with Waylan and Thomas. But I've been primarily alone. I think I've needed the solitude. I've been stressing out a lot over this whole growing up thing. It's one thing to act older, have older friends, and be treated like you're older, but still get allowance, live at home, and have mommy cook you dinner and bring you coffee in the morning. I haven't had to worry about finances, about school (I simply bullshit my way through things), I haven't had really anything to worry about. But now, now I do. I'm about to be pushed out of the nest, thrust into this new world. Well, my dad said I could take a year or so off if I needed, but I just want to get this college thing done and over with. But I'm severly afraid because I don't know what I'm going to do or where I'm going in life. I need some sort of direction, but I'm unsure in every path. What does one do then? I know, I know, everyone feels like this. But I feel like they don't. It seems like everyone is so much better prepared for this than I am. They all seem to know what they're doing, what they're getting their degree in, what they'll be when they grow up. But I have no idea what is ahead of me. What I'd be good at. I wish someone would just be brutally honest with me. Tell me, please, am I good at anything? I feel like everyone just tells me that I'm good at something but really I'm not.
I mean, I can understand, I do exagerrate sometimes, tell someone they're better at something than they really are, but I do need an honest opinion even if it stings a bit. I wish more people would look at the photos that I've taken, and tell me if I have something going for me or not. Please. It would help me out so much more than you realize. I wish I had the confidence to just run with things. Just see where it takes me, even if I suck at it. I started to have some confidence about photography, but when I took Clark's digital photography course, it wasn't what I wanted. The assignments sucked. I hated them, then I got sick, and ended up dropping the class because I fell so far behind. I'm afraid if I actually choose photography at Evergreen (which I haven't even gotten into yet, much less applied) that I'll end up hating it like I did here. I suppose I could change majors, but it seems like such a waste to decide on something like that and then turn around and change my mind. ugh. Oh well. Miles is right. I am stressing about this too much. I'm off to ballroom class, then to get an 1/8 with Carole, and that will make me not stress out so much.