Thoughts meander like a restless wind inside a letter box
I've always been curious about death. Not other people's deaths mind you, that inspires emotion within me. I've been fascinated by the thought of dying. What it's like to take that last breath. What it's like to have your entire body completely relax and all function just stop. Almost like you get frozen in time. Your mind stops at that moment, and nothing exists past that (depending on one's beliefs). But time continues on, though you don't know it, and your body starts rotting. I let the rain and wind whip into my face as I walk home from the bus stop. I can feel it. Each droplet hitting me, the chill of the wind taking over. Ever since I was little, each cough makes me think of Les Miserables and Cosette's mother dying, coughing up blood into a handkerchief. I think of terminal diseases I could have with each ache and pain. I used to have terrible coughing fits as a kid. I would collapse in the hall, coughing so hard that I couldn't even inhale to enough to cough again. Out of any time in my life, that's when I felt the most alive. When life is on the edge of ending. We watched Downfall in German class last week. There were so many suicides as soon as Hitler killed himself. But what got me was the children, put to sleep by "medicine", lives ended with a forced chomp on a cyanide capsule. That last little gasp or sigh, and then death. I want to feel alive. I've wanted to not wake up so many mornings, that I want to feel alive. I don't on a daily basis. I feel like a robot. I have no daily routine, each day is different, but still it feels like I'm gliding through everything I do. Nothing feels real. I want a mind fuck. I think this is why I'm partial to hallucinogenics, because everything becomes real. And it's weird, because everything feels like a dream on shrooms, but still, it's more real than everyday life. It's like you're breathing for the first time, opening your eyes and seeing the world for real. And if all of this quantum physics stuff is true, that atoms decide where they want to be, maybe being on shrooms you really do see the world correctly. One trip, I knew that I controlled the atoms around me. Other people were manipulating atoms without thinking about it, but I was conscious of it. If I just knew, not thought, knew I was going to be safe, I would be. If I believed something fully, it was true. It was one of the most mind opening times of my life. Fuck. I don't even know where I'm going with this. I just want to fucking feel alive for once in my life. I think that traveling will get me there, but that is determined by my parents and whether or not they can fund this. I pray they can. Germany, Amsterdam, and France. The year after, I want to go to India. India has always intrigued me. Ok, that's a lie. It started when my dad first started to go there on business trips. He took time to learn all about the culture, reading book after book. Every time he returns, he shares pictures and explains customs and everyday culture of India, and it's really interesting. I want to experience other cultures. I never want to stop learning new languages and about new cultures. Life is so different every where else in the world. I just want to jump into the mind of someone who's grown up in that situation and see things as they see them. One thing I've always wanted to experience in that way, though it is terrible, is the holocaust. I want to experience what it was like to be a persecuted Jew. I want to know what it's like the be facing death, being worked harder than your body can handle, and not be able to quit. I want to know what it's really like to be frozen and hungry. I want to know what it's like to be killed for believing in something. I know it sounds odd, that I'd want to go through such a traumatic and horrible experience. But at the same time, it makes complete sense to me. What would make me appreciate all that I've been given in my life. I've never felt hunger, or homelessness. I've only ever lost one person close to me. I've never moved, been forced out of my home, or slept in the real cold. I've never really had anything bad happen to me (except almost being raped). I'm white, female, Aryan. People take pity on me because I'm a girl, and I grew up in a time where it is more equal that it ever has been in this country. I live in America. I've never had to deal with dictatorship, persecution, religious wars, nothing. I'm not saying I like our country, I do have my complaints, but I've lived such a cushioned life. Yet I complain about little things, bitch and moan about how mommy and daddy didn't love me enough, how they didn't buy me as much as Kyrie. But really, I have clothes, I have food, I have somewhere to live. I need to shut the fuck up and appreciate what I have. I think that seeing the world through someone else's eyes would be a real changing experience. Maybe then I'd appreciate opening my eyes each day, instead of wishing I'd died in my sleep. Maybe then I wouldn't physically hurt myself, emotionally hurt others, and self destruct my relationships. Maybe then I could function, appreciate my intelligence, and do my work, taking every opportunity that I have that others don't. Fuck. I'm going to go smoke a bowl.