(no subject)
Ever since I was a small kid and realized that I am going to die some day, I started having these weird panic attacks; I was sleeping, and I had a vision of myself lying in a dark and cold grave, and I leaped from my bed, catching my breath like people do in the movies when they have nightmares.
I was about to run crying to my mother, except that by then I calmed myself down by reminding myself that I knew my dad would beat the shit out of me if I bothered them when they slept.
And then I started thinking happy thoughts; I am going to die some day and be buried and my body will rot into filthy slime and I will have people dancing on my grave, but I am going to live a long and happy before that.
I still have these panic attacks, except they are not as violent as when I was a kid. They usually get worse when I’m sleeping or when I’m having a happy time, especially with my friends; once when me, Elise, Emmi and Tomi were on a bus, laughing and cracking jokes, I felt like I was drowning in cold, dark, deep water. I guess I am simply not meant to be happy.
I like to imagine that beyond life, there’s the Republic of Heaven where all people go, where your dreams come true and you will be safe and happy. But then again, there’s no proof of it, so there might as well be a cold, dark, deep, silent grave for me.
But then again, I wouldn’t mind burning in Hell because I am already there.
I was about to run crying to my mother, except that by then I calmed myself down by reminding myself that I knew my dad would beat the shit out of me if I bothered them when they slept.
And then I started thinking happy thoughts; I am going to die some day and be buried and my body will rot into filthy slime and I will have people dancing on my grave, but I am going to live a long and happy before that.
I still have these panic attacks, except they are not as violent as when I was a kid. They usually get worse when I’m sleeping or when I’m having a happy time, especially with my friends; once when me, Elise, Emmi and Tomi were on a bus, laughing and cracking jokes, I felt like I was drowning in cold, dark, deep water. I guess I am simply not meant to be happy.
I like to imagine that beyond life, there’s the Republic of Heaven where all people go, where your dreams come true and you will be safe and happy. But then again, there’s no proof of it, so there might as well be a cold, dark, deep, silent grave for me.
But then again, I wouldn’t mind burning in Hell because I am already there.