on doms and subs
piedmargaret had an entry that led to a discussion that got me thinking on the whole dominant/submissive thing. It wasn't what her entry was about as such, so this is more a spin-off than an actual comment.
Thing is, I don't get the whole idea of dominant and submissive.
I first heard of it in a sexual context, where I guess I can understand it, as a power play. But not all sex is about power play, and in any case I'd think it fun to switch at times. Now I am your mistress and tell you what to do, and next time you're mine. It's rather dull to do it the same way every time - takes the idea off kink, you know?
Still. On that level, I guess I sort of get it. But on a relationship level? For real?
The idea of a relationship where one person tells the other what to do or dominates him/her squicks me something awful. In fact, most of the couples that do squick me do so because one character has some sort of advantage over the other that could lead to domination (age, class, size...) and that isn't countered by some advantage the other character has.
I don't want to be dominated. As I said in my comments, a would-be boyfriend once told me I should stop biting my nails because he didn't like it, and I stared at him as if he'd grown a second head. My nails = your business = how?
I don't want to dominate anyone either. If I ever date anyone, I want them to state their needs and opinions, and whose needs or opinions win out should depend on context. For example, person wanting to sleep always wins over person wanting to play music. And person down with the flu is always given extra consideration.
It occurs to me that maybe this is why I can't make Pygmalion work. Eliza is a strong-willed person, so I assumed that more than a month or two of living with a sap like Freddy would drive her crazy. But if one assumes that every relationship is a power play, of course marrying Freddy puts Eliza on top. He'll be completely under the foot, that's for sure.
*am squicked*
If it is to be about domination, I guess I've always preferred two dominant people meeting. It's what Part of the Equation (my only story to circle around power) is about, after all. And my favourite kind of couple has always been the slacker and the bitch. The bitch will try to dominate the slacker, only to find that the slacker won't be dominated, and that's why they work together.
Like in Howl's Moving Castle, when Sophie has been cleaning nearly all the castle, bullying Michael and Calcifer in the process, but when she gets to Howl's room he's suddenly standing in the doorway (even though she saw him left the house) and won't let her in. It's an irresistible force meeting an immovable object, to use a quote from another Diana Wynne Jones novel.
(And of course, the idea of irresistible force+immovable object works on other kind of couples too. Mr. Rochester is an irresistible force to Jane Eyre's immovable object, for example, and I really hate it when people call her meek, because she's not.)
But anyway, straying from the topic, which is that I always assumed equality was the thing to strive for. And if it's not, or it's impossible, I can't say how glad I am that I'm single.
And I'll continue writing stories where I have no idea who is dom and who is sub. (If you do, you're welcome to tell me.)
Thing is, I don't get the whole idea of dominant and submissive.
I first heard of it in a sexual context, where I guess I can understand it, as a power play. But not all sex is about power play, and in any case I'd think it fun to switch at times. Now I am your mistress and tell you what to do, and next time you're mine. It's rather dull to do it the same way every time - takes the idea off kink, you know?
Still. On that level, I guess I sort of get it. But on a relationship level? For real?
The idea of a relationship where one person tells the other what to do or dominates him/her squicks me something awful. In fact, most of the couples that do squick me do so because one character has some sort of advantage over the other that could lead to domination (age, class, size...) and that isn't countered by some advantage the other character has.
I don't want to be dominated. As I said in my comments, a would-be boyfriend once told me I should stop biting my nails because he didn't like it, and I stared at him as if he'd grown a second head. My nails = your business = how?
I don't want to dominate anyone either. If I ever date anyone, I want them to state their needs and opinions, and whose needs or opinions win out should depend on context. For example, person wanting to sleep always wins over person wanting to play music. And person down with the flu is always given extra consideration.
It occurs to me that maybe this is why I can't make Pygmalion work. Eliza is a strong-willed person, so I assumed that more than a month or two of living with a sap like Freddy would drive her crazy. But if one assumes that every relationship is a power play, of course marrying Freddy puts Eliza on top. He'll be completely under the foot, that's for sure.
*am squicked*
If it is to be about domination, I guess I've always preferred two dominant people meeting. It's what Part of the Equation (my only story to circle around power) is about, after all. And my favourite kind of couple has always been the slacker and the bitch. The bitch will try to dominate the slacker, only to find that the slacker won't be dominated, and that's why they work together.
Like in Howl's Moving Castle, when Sophie has been cleaning nearly all the castle, bullying Michael and Calcifer in the process, but when she gets to Howl's room he's suddenly standing in the doorway (even though she saw him left the house) and won't let her in. It's an irresistible force meeting an immovable object, to use a quote from another Diana Wynne Jones novel.
(And of course, the idea of irresistible force+immovable object works on other kind of couples too. Mr. Rochester is an irresistible force to Jane Eyre's immovable object, for example, and I really hate it when people call her meek, because she's not.)
But anyway, straying from the topic, which is that I always assumed equality was the thing to strive for. And if it's not, or it's impossible, I can't say how glad I am that I'm single.
And I'll continue writing stories where I have no idea who is dom and who is sub. (If you do, you're welcome to tell me.)