A New Year....
Well I am officially in a new year. Not only is it a new year, it's a new decade. This new year, I haven't been with Trent, I haven't had my heart broken, I haven't had my life turned upside down. THIS year, I haven't had Trent make and break promises to me. I haven't had him to tell me he loves me, only to walk away from me the next day. In this year, this decade, I am Trent free. In this year, I haven't spoken to Trent, I haven't seen him, I haven't heard his voice, I haven't touched him...he hasn't touched me. In this new year, I can move forward without him. Changed, different, my life very different, a little broken....but I forward I can. In this new year, I can make choices, I can be independent of Trent's influence on my life. I can think without worrying about Trent and what his thoughts are or how he feels, or what he would do. I can do what I want to do and in this year, he has never been a part of my life. This is month one, of the next 12 months that will be without Trent.
It is a strange feeling all of that. To wake go to bed one night in one year, a year that a man who you loved was such a big part of, and then to wake up the next morning...and suddenly just like that it is a new year and that man has not and will not be a part of the new year or any year from here out. It is like taking an eraser and erasing a page from a book or taking a cup of water and just simply washing all that was Trent from life...except it's not like that. It's not like that because as much as I want to, I can't erase Trent. I can't erase the pages that are Trent, I can't erase the 2019 days of Trent. I can't do so because Trent fundamentally changed me. He changed how I saw the world, he changed how I felt about people, about myself, about love, about my future. Trent not only turned my life upside down in ways I can't even begin to describe but he changed who I am as a person. I have been thinking a lot over the last few weeks about why, Trent changed me so much. Why did Trent impact me so deeply? I finally came to the conclusion, that it is because of two reasons. I believe I was first in a weakened vulnerable spot in my life when Trent came into my life, so I was essentially more "moldable" and more "changeable". The 2nd reason, was because Trent was from my past... because he was there during my teenage period, when I just had been raped, when my step dad was abusing me, when I was deeply depressed.. Trent was my best friend during that time and I loved him deeply as my 15 year old self and I allowed him in then. Because I was so vulnerable with him then, and because I was so vulnerable this summer... Trent, was able to reach me at a place where very few can reach me. He was able to get me to trust him but get me to trust me without my walls, as my unblemished, pre-adult painful experience self.... and therefore when he walked away it essentially broke me. I was too vulnerable with him. Trent changed me at my core. I am different, people have begun to notice how different I am. Even my principal has noticed. It's impacted my ability to do my job, my ability to do everything. I can't erase Trent... those pages are written forever because Trent is a part of me now. Trent has impacted my life forever and will impact my life even more going forward but yet.... it is a new year and Trent hasn't been in this year so it is a strange feeling. I haven't talked to Trent since Thanksgiving. Trent hasn't been in 2020, I am moving forward without him, just me and my choices, independent, all on my own.... but yet the 2019 Trent pages are a part of me and it is strange to feel so much of them everyday but yet they aren't there at the same time.
At the same time, there is a small part of me that does miss Trent. I miss the friendship we had the most. There are times when things happen that I want to tell him but then I remember that 2020 doesn't have Trent and that hurts. There are times when I wonder about him, when I hope he is doing okay, when I wonder how the store is going. Sigh. There are times when I look up at the sky,and I wonder if he is looking up at the same sky and is thinking about me and is wondering about me too. I miss my friend, I miss the 2019 pages where we would talk and joke with each other. I miss the sarcasm and the brutal honesty we would have with each other. I miss the ability to be ourselves with one another. I miss being able to share the truth about where I was in what I was dealing with because it really only applies to him. I will be honest in that sometimes, just sometimes, I wish I could reread some of those 2019 Trent pages because I miss my friend and that hurts. Sometimes, 2020 feels cold and the thought of the next few months without my friend...the thought of going through things without my friend feels wrong. The thought of 2021 without my friend makes me sad.
However, I made a choice to walk away from those 2019 Trent pages because I loved him and sometimes when you love someone you have to let them go. I had to walk away from him because he clearly did not want to be in my life anymore even as a friend and I just simply could not force him to stay where he did not want to be anymore. I could not force him to be involved in things he did not want to be a part of. I could and would not force him to stick around in my life, as much as it hurt me to walk away from him... I couldn't bear to see him feeling stuck out of guilt. It is essentially the same reason I walked away from the romantic part of the relationship in August. See...true love isn't about doing what is best for yourself, true love, truly loving someone, is about scarfice. It is about doing what is best for the other person even if it kills you to do it. I loved Trent with all my heart and so I couldn't force him to stay with me in August. I saw him struggling, I saw him feeling guilty, I saw him wanting to end it but he couldn't... I loved him so much that even though it killed me to do it.... I walked away for him...barely. Despite the situation I was in... I loved him enough to let him go. Then I kept silent as he dealt with his own issues, I kept silent for months and just stayed his friend. I was hurting, I was dealing with big things, big issues, big pain.... but I loved him so he came first. Then... I started seeing him struggle with being friends, then I started feeling him pull away, he grew distant, he didn't want to stick around, he didn't want to be a part of things. I felt him staying out of guilt because he had hurt me in August, I felt him torn... I loved him enough that I couldn't let him be stuck. When you love someone, truly love someone, you don't want them hurting. So... I once again, was the strong one and dealt with my own pain and I walked away. In order to do it and not fall apart I had to use my anger... because I had nothing else left. I had to use all I had left to walk away from the friendship...I had to use anger which is a powerful emotion to destroy everything that was left so that he would let me walk away and that he would hate me enough to stay away. I had to be mean enough, hateful enough that he would let me go. I had to hurt myself in order to do it...it about killed me and took every ounce of strength that I had left but I loved him and I couldn't let him stay stuck anymore....
And now I am in a new year, a new decade.... a new year that Trent hasn't been in. Im moving forward, without him. A changed person, a different person, an impacted person, whose life will continue to change in the months ahead but in a new year....a year without Trent. It's a strange feeling that. To go to bed in one year that Trent has been in, and then wake up in the next in a year he has not been in.
I miss him tonight in this new year... I think a part of me will always miss him no matter what year I am.
It is a strange feeling all of that. To wake go to bed one night in one year, a year that a man who you loved was such a big part of, and then to wake up the next morning...and suddenly just like that it is a new year and that man has not and will not be a part of the new year or any year from here out. It is like taking an eraser and erasing a page from a book or taking a cup of water and just simply washing all that was Trent from life...except it's not like that. It's not like that because as much as I want to, I can't erase Trent. I can't erase the pages that are Trent, I can't erase the 2019 days of Trent. I can't do so because Trent fundamentally changed me. He changed how I saw the world, he changed how I felt about people, about myself, about love, about my future. Trent not only turned my life upside down in ways I can't even begin to describe but he changed who I am as a person. I have been thinking a lot over the last few weeks about why, Trent changed me so much. Why did Trent impact me so deeply? I finally came to the conclusion, that it is because of two reasons. I believe I was first in a weakened vulnerable spot in my life when Trent came into my life, so I was essentially more "moldable" and more "changeable". The 2nd reason, was because Trent was from my past... because he was there during my teenage period, when I just had been raped, when my step dad was abusing me, when I was deeply depressed.. Trent was my best friend during that time and I loved him deeply as my 15 year old self and I allowed him in then. Because I was so vulnerable with him then, and because I was so vulnerable this summer... Trent, was able to reach me at a place where very few can reach me. He was able to get me to trust him but get me to trust me without my walls, as my unblemished, pre-adult painful experience self.... and therefore when he walked away it essentially broke me. I was too vulnerable with him. Trent changed me at my core. I am different, people have begun to notice how different I am. Even my principal has noticed. It's impacted my ability to do my job, my ability to do everything. I can't erase Trent... those pages are written forever because Trent is a part of me now. Trent has impacted my life forever and will impact my life even more going forward but yet.... it is a new year and Trent hasn't been in this year so it is a strange feeling. I haven't talked to Trent since Thanksgiving. Trent hasn't been in 2020, I am moving forward without him, just me and my choices, independent, all on my own.... but yet the 2019 Trent pages are a part of me and it is strange to feel so much of them everyday but yet they aren't there at the same time.
At the same time, there is a small part of me that does miss Trent. I miss the friendship we had the most. There are times when things happen that I want to tell him but then I remember that 2020 doesn't have Trent and that hurts. There are times when I wonder about him, when I hope he is doing okay, when I wonder how the store is going. Sigh. There are times when I look up at the sky,and I wonder if he is looking up at the same sky and is thinking about me and is wondering about me too. I miss my friend, I miss the 2019 pages where we would talk and joke with each other. I miss the sarcasm and the brutal honesty we would have with each other. I miss the ability to be ourselves with one another. I miss being able to share the truth about where I was in what I was dealing with because it really only applies to him. I will be honest in that sometimes, just sometimes, I wish I could reread some of those 2019 Trent pages because I miss my friend and that hurts. Sometimes, 2020 feels cold and the thought of the next few months without my friend...the thought of going through things without my friend feels wrong. The thought of 2021 without my friend makes me sad.
However, I made a choice to walk away from those 2019 Trent pages because I loved him and sometimes when you love someone you have to let them go. I had to walk away from him because he clearly did not want to be in my life anymore even as a friend and I just simply could not force him to stay where he did not want to be anymore. I could not force him to be involved in things he did not want to be a part of. I could and would not force him to stick around in my life, as much as it hurt me to walk away from him... I couldn't bear to see him feeling stuck out of guilt. It is essentially the same reason I walked away from the romantic part of the relationship in August. See...true love isn't about doing what is best for yourself, true love, truly loving someone, is about scarfice. It is about doing what is best for the other person even if it kills you to do it. I loved Trent with all my heart and so I couldn't force him to stay with me in August. I saw him struggling, I saw him feeling guilty, I saw him wanting to end it but he couldn't... I loved him so much that even though it killed me to do it.... I walked away for him...barely. Despite the situation I was in... I loved him enough to let him go. Then I kept silent as he dealt with his own issues, I kept silent for months and just stayed his friend. I was hurting, I was dealing with big things, big issues, big pain.... but I loved him so he came first. Then... I started seeing him struggle with being friends, then I started feeling him pull away, he grew distant, he didn't want to stick around, he didn't want to be a part of things. I felt him staying out of guilt because he had hurt me in August, I felt him torn... I loved him enough that I couldn't let him be stuck. When you love someone, truly love someone, you don't want them hurting. So... I once again, was the strong one and dealt with my own pain and I walked away. In order to do it and not fall apart I had to use my anger... because I had nothing else left. I had to use all I had left to walk away from the friendship...I had to use anger which is a powerful emotion to destroy everything that was left so that he would let me walk away and that he would hate me enough to stay away. I had to be mean enough, hateful enough that he would let me go. I had to hurt myself in order to do it...it about killed me and took every ounce of strength that I had left but I loved him and I couldn't let him stay stuck anymore....
And now I am in a new year, a new decade.... a new year that Trent hasn't been in. Im moving forward, without him. A changed person, a different person, an impacted person, whose life will continue to change in the months ahead but in a new year....a year without Trent. It's a strange feeling that. To go to bed in one year that Trent has been in, and then wake up in the next in a year he has not been in.
I miss him tonight in this new year... I think a part of me will always miss him no matter what year I am.