When the light goes out................
What do you do when your world starts feeling so dark? In all the years I have been writing here. Through all the heartbreak, in all the tears, in all the moments I didn't think I would survive, in all that darkness.. there was always something that gave me some kind of light, some kind of hope for better..
Deep down there was always a hope that someday, someway, things would change. That maybe, just maybe I would finally be loved the way I wanted, the way I so needed...
But... the years have passed and I am older. I have watched as my babies have grown into toddlers, into children and now they are young adults. As each year past, that light, that hope that things would change.. grew dimmer and dimmer.. and now it seems that it has gone out. I just feel so empty inside now. As I fight so hard to heal... heal from things that I have carried around for so long, as I fight to deal with abandonment... as I fight to heal.... my light has gone out.
It seems with that when Trent walked away... with him walked away my hope. It seems that for some reason, the hurt he caused, the fact that he is just one more person to abandon me, one more person to break my heart was the final catalyst for me to just break. It seems that Trent was the final edge, the final cliff that zapped me of all my energy, all my will to fight anymore. With him, my light went out. I am just so tired. Tired of loving those who don't love me. Tired of trying. Tired of hurting. Tired of being anything. For so long...I have tried so hard to keep hope, hope for something more then what I was living in. Hope that I was more then what I had been told since I was a child but... it seems that for some reason Trent was the breaking line. I just don't have it in me anymore. I don't have anything left. I just want to sleep. I love a man who will never love me back. My whole life...I have loved men who refuse to love me back. I just can't do it anymore... the world just feels so dark.
I am older now. I have no reason to do it anymore. What is the point of doing it? What is the point of anything anymore? I have done my job as a parent...my children are good people. They will leave me and go out in the world and I pray they have better in their lives. I have completed my mission. What else is left for me? The only purpose I had keeping going is now completed.... I just don't understand what the point of all this is. What is the point of my life? Why did God put me here just to leave me empty, abandoned and unloved by all? For those that are Christian the answer will be "God loves you" but... where is He? Why isn't He my light? Why does the world feel so dark? Why did my light go out? Where did the hope go? Why do I feel unlovable?
I am just so tired...
Deep down there was always a hope that someday, someway, things would change. That maybe, just maybe I would finally be loved the way I wanted, the way I so needed...
But... the years have passed and I am older. I have watched as my babies have grown into toddlers, into children and now they are young adults. As each year past, that light, that hope that things would change.. grew dimmer and dimmer.. and now it seems that it has gone out. I just feel so empty inside now. As I fight so hard to heal... heal from things that I have carried around for so long, as I fight to deal with abandonment... as I fight to heal.... my light has gone out.
It seems with that when Trent walked away... with him walked away my hope. It seems that for some reason, the hurt he caused, the fact that he is just one more person to abandon me, one more person to break my heart was the final catalyst for me to just break. It seems that Trent was the final edge, the final cliff that zapped me of all my energy, all my will to fight anymore. With him, my light went out. I am just so tired. Tired of loving those who don't love me. Tired of trying. Tired of hurting. Tired of being anything. For so long...I have tried so hard to keep hope, hope for something more then what I was living in. Hope that I was more then what I had been told since I was a child but... it seems that for some reason Trent was the breaking line. I just don't have it in me anymore. I don't have anything left. I just want to sleep. I love a man who will never love me back. My whole life...I have loved men who refuse to love me back. I just can't do it anymore... the world just feels so dark.
I am older now. I have no reason to do it anymore. What is the point of doing it? What is the point of anything anymore? I have done my job as a parent...my children are good people. They will leave me and go out in the world and I pray they have better in their lives. I have completed my mission. What else is left for me? The only purpose I had keeping going is now completed.... I just don't understand what the point of all this is. What is the point of my life? Why did God put me here just to leave me empty, abandoned and unloved by all? For those that are Christian the answer will be "God loves you" but... where is He? Why isn't He my light? Why does the world feel so dark? Why did my light go out? Where did the hope go? Why do I feel unlovable?
I am just so tired...