Someone you loved
I ran into him again...
Just like that. In the midst of my okay day. In the midst of my surviving, getting through, managing life day.... my world shattered. Again. In the middle of a gas station surrounded by strangers and candy bars, chips and other random food. He appeared out of nowhere. Just like that. He was there. Again. He saw me at the same time I saw him. He paused and I paused and I could tell that he almost walked away. In that moment...the moment I saw him again.. my heart shattered...again. It has been 8 months, 4 months since I was last with him. John... Just like that.
I was someone he loved. Someone he left. He got his drink, we exchanged cordial conversation and he left. I was left standing in that gas station with a shattered heart one more time. My heart still wondering why he left. Wondering why he couldn't love me back. Wondering why I was not good enough for him. My heart missing him. My fragile heart... broken...
I cried tears.
I am angry. I am angry at John. I am angry at Trent. I am tired of being the person that was someone they "used to love" I am so tired of not being good enough for someone to just stay! They make so many excuses for why they left. They always do. Some of their excuses, i logically understand but my heart doesn't. Trent says he did love me.... again, how do you walk away from someone you love? You just dont! I am so angry. I am angry that Trent made me love him. I am angry that he let Arizona happen. I am angry that he told me he would not break my heart and then turned around and did it. I am angry that he knew what I had just gone through with John and that I was still heartbroken from John but yet he still broke my heart too. Seeing John... just reminded me of all that pain. It just reminded me that all these months have passed and all this pain has happened and despite that fact that I pretend that I am okay, despite that fact that every single person in my life thinks that I have moved on.... I am not okay. Seeing John was just a reminder that I am still faking it so much. I am still hurting deeply. I am still in love with Trent and although I have told him that I have crossed that line and I can't go backwards...it isn't true. I had to tell him that to save the friendship and so he wouldn't pull away. He can't know how I really feel. Unfortunately, because I am hurting and because I spending my days faking life and faking it with him.... it has caused me to become distant with him. I had to emotionally disconnect with him so he wouldn't feel my emotions anymore. By doing so, it's caused us to disconnect and become so distant which sadly is destroying the friendship. I feel so alone. I feel so empty. I survive each day but it is an empty survival. I am so angry.
I tired of loving men who don't love me. Why do men make me love them when they have no intention of loving me back? I am not okay. I am just not okay. I miss being someone he loved. I miss him more then I can even comprehend and he doesn't even know it. He has gone on with his life. He doesn't even think about me anymore. He can go days without talking to me and be okay. He doesn't want me or doesn't need me. That breaks my heart. I am not someone he loves anymore... I am so angry.... why did he make me love him? I don't understand! I am barely surviving each day. I am faking it. He gets to move on with his life and be happy with his wife and I just become a forgotten memory. I am nothing to him. He doesn't miss me. I hate that feeling. I hate the feeling of feeling like I meant nothing. The feeling of just being forgotten. I wished he missed me... just to know that he did miss me would make a difference even if all it was the knowledge that is how he felt. But..he doesn't. I am just empty.
I hold so much inside every day. I am so tired. No one has any idea. John was just there. Again. I hate him. I hate John for being there. I let my guard down with him, with Trent and both of them broke my heart. Both of them took pieces of me. Both of them changed who I am. I let both of them in.... I let them inside my walls and let them know me, the real me... I trusted them when I don't trust people! I became intimate with both of them both physically and emotionally and both of them crushed my heart in a matter of moments. They were both someone I let myself love..... and both of them betrayed my love. Both of them broke my heart. Both of them shattered me...me as a person. They both just tossed me aside, like I didn't matter. Like I wasn't valuable to them... Like i was worthless..
I am so angry! But I am so stupid at the same time because in that moment I saw John.... my heart MISSED him. Just like my heart misses Trent. I want to hate them...I want to hate them with everything I am but I can't. I still love Trent... and as much as I try and despite what I tell him.... I can't just turn it off. I can pretend with him that I don't feel anything. But... late at night when I am all alone in my dark bedroom....I cry. I cry tears of heartache because my heart misses Trent so very much and my heart breaks every day that he is still gone and I feel very lonely.
I miss being someone he loved...
and he won't ever even know that. I hate having to pretend with him. I have never pretend with him before. I have never lied to him before... but I have no choice. If he knows how I really feel I will loose him as a friend. I also don't want to be the pathetic girl still in love with the guy who doesn't love her anymore because that is what I feel like with him. It is embarrassing. I hate appearing needy or weak... I hate being pathetic. I won't be that girl. So I will hide it, I will pretend...and although it hurts like hell and I slip up especially when I am drunk and I just ran into John.... I will NOT let him know how I am really feeling. He must think I am okay... he must not know how badly I am hurting.... how much I miss him... I am so pathetic.
Just like that. In the midst of my okay day. In the midst of my surviving, getting through, managing life day.... my world shattered. Again. In the middle of a gas station surrounded by strangers and candy bars, chips and other random food. He appeared out of nowhere. Just like that. He was there. Again. He saw me at the same time I saw him. He paused and I paused and I could tell that he almost walked away. In that moment...the moment I saw him again.. my heart shattered...again. It has been 8 months, 4 months since I was last with him. John... Just like that.
I was someone he loved. Someone he left. He got his drink, we exchanged cordial conversation and he left. I was left standing in that gas station with a shattered heart one more time. My heart still wondering why he left. Wondering why he couldn't love me back. Wondering why I was not good enough for him. My heart missing him. My fragile heart... broken...
I cried tears.
I am angry. I am angry at John. I am angry at Trent. I am tired of being the person that was someone they "used to love" I am so tired of not being good enough for someone to just stay! They make so many excuses for why they left. They always do. Some of their excuses, i logically understand but my heart doesn't. Trent says he did love me.... again, how do you walk away from someone you love? You just dont! I am so angry. I am angry that Trent made me love him. I am angry that he let Arizona happen. I am angry that he told me he would not break my heart and then turned around and did it. I am angry that he knew what I had just gone through with John and that I was still heartbroken from John but yet he still broke my heart too. Seeing John... just reminded me of all that pain. It just reminded me that all these months have passed and all this pain has happened and despite that fact that I pretend that I am okay, despite that fact that every single person in my life thinks that I have moved on.... I am not okay. Seeing John was just a reminder that I am still faking it so much. I am still hurting deeply. I am still in love with Trent and although I have told him that I have crossed that line and I can't go backwards...it isn't true. I had to tell him that to save the friendship and so he wouldn't pull away. He can't know how I really feel. Unfortunately, because I am hurting and because I spending my days faking life and faking it with him.... it has caused me to become distant with him. I had to emotionally disconnect with him so he wouldn't feel my emotions anymore. By doing so, it's caused us to disconnect and become so distant which sadly is destroying the friendship. I feel so alone. I feel so empty. I survive each day but it is an empty survival. I am so angry.
I tired of loving men who don't love me. Why do men make me love them when they have no intention of loving me back? I am not okay. I am just not okay. I miss being someone he loved. I miss him more then I can even comprehend and he doesn't even know it. He has gone on with his life. He doesn't even think about me anymore. He can go days without talking to me and be okay. He doesn't want me or doesn't need me. That breaks my heart. I am not someone he loves anymore... I am so angry.... why did he make me love him? I don't understand! I am barely surviving each day. I am faking it. He gets to move on with his life and be happy with his wife and I just become a forgotten memory. I am nothing to him. He doesn't miss me. I hate that feeling. I hate the feeling of feeling like I meant nothing. The feeling of just being forgotten. I wished he missed me... just to know that he did miss me would make a difference even if all it was the knowledge that is how he felt. But..he doesn't. I am just empty.
I hold so much inside every day. I am so tired. No one has any idea. John was just there. Again. I hate him. I hate John for being there. I let my guard down with him, with Trent and both of them broke my heart. Both of them took pieces of me. Both of them changed who I am. I let both of them in.... I let them inside my walls and let them know me, the real me... I trusted them when I don't trust people! I became intimate with both of them both physically and emotionally and both of them crushed my heart in a matter of moments. They were both someone I let myself love..... and both of them betrayed my love. Both of them broke my heart. Both of them shattered me...me as a person. They both just tossed me aside, like I didn't matter. Like I wasn't valuable to them... Like i was worthless..
I am so angry! But I am so stupid at the same time because in that moment I saw John.... my heart MISSED him. Just like my heart misses Trent. I want to hate them...I want to hate them with everything I am but I can't. I still love Trent... and as much as I try and despite what I tell him.... I can't just turn it off. I can pretend with him that I don't feel anything. But... late at night when I am all alone in my dark bedroom....I cry. I cry tears of heartache because my heart misses Trent so very much and my heart breaks every day that he is still gone and I feel very lonely.
I miss being someone he loved...
and he won't ever even know that. I hate having to pretend with him. I have never pretend with him before. I have never lied to him before... but I have no choice. If he knows how I really feel I will loose him as a friend. I also don't want to be the pathetic girl still in love with the guy who doesn't love her anymore because that is what I feel like with him. It is embarrassing. I hate appearing needy or weak... I hate being pathetic. I won't be that girl. So I will hide it, I will pretend...and although it hurts like hell and I slip up especially when I am drunk and I just ran into John.... I will NOT let him know how I am really feeling. He must think I am okay... he must not know how badly I am hurting.... how much I miss him... I am so pathetic.