You can't stop these feet from sinking...
I am just so tired. It has been exactly one month since I flew to Arizona. One month today at almost this exact time T and I were standing in the same room together.
One month ago today, my world looked so different.
I don't even know how I got from there to here.
As I sit here receiving text messages from a husband who is telling me how horrible I am, what a Bitch I am and I can do nothing right...all I can think is "why I am even doing this anymore?" As I think back on my life a month ago and how I felt that day and then I think on how I feel today, I just don't know anymore. I just don't even know what I am doing anymore. What am I doing this for anymore? What is the point?
Friends, I have been writing here for 13 years... 13 long years and I just feel so hopeless. I honestly don't remember a time in the last 13 years that I have felt this hopeless. I have been sad, really sad...depressed. I have been hopeless. I have been really low before, I have felt pretty miserable and I have felt that there was no way out. However, this time something is different.... this time it feels just so dark. This time just feels like it deeper and like it part of who I am. I feel like I have changed at my core. I can't explain it. It just feels so hopeless.
T told me yesterday that he didn't want to be the reason I left my marriage or he didn't want to make me leave. Sigh. He doesn't understand......I don't think he will ever. I was never going to leave my marriage because of him. I will never ever leave my marriage FOR another person again. I made that mistake once....for Deacon. I will never ever make that mistake again. NO ONE is worth leaving my marriage for. If and when I leave my marriage it is going to be for me and only for me. What T doesn't understand about my situation is that yes my marriage bad. Yes, it is horrible actually but I have no reason to leave. I am not weak. I am strong enough to leave him. I could leave tomorrow if I wanted. I am financially able to leave. I am emotionally strong enough to leave. I am able to leave at any time. I am not scared to leave. I am not even really staying for my children. I am simply staying because I have no real reason to leave. What T never knew and will never really understood is that for me..... I see the world as a place full of hurt. For me, relationships are nothing but lies. Men do nothing but use me and hurt me and leave me. There is no such thing as "love" to me. There just isn't any point in leaving him for me. Let's say I leave, then what? I am single okay? Yeah, I will be free of his abuse yes. That would be great but my kids would hurt and I probably wouldn't be any happier. As a single person I don't have hope in finding anyone to love me because well..... reality is that there just isn't a thing as love for me. There just isn't hope for that for me. So, I would be hurting my kids for what? For me to be single? I pretty much am single most of the time as it is and I guess the known hurt from my husband is better then the unknown hurt from more random men if I were to date. This probably makes no sense as I type it out but in my head it makes sense. I just seen no real point in leaving my marriage. My marriage sucks bad but there isn't anything out there any better either. Nothing in my life up to this point has shown me that life beyond my abusive husband is any better. NOTHING has shown me that life outside the asshole I live with is any different so why break up my kids home? It seems like a hopeless situation to me? My relationship with T was never about leaving my husband. T was never my exit plan. T did however give me hope....
See....while T loved me, I had hope that love did exist for me. T gave me hope that maybe something good did exist outside the asshole I live. T was showing me that maybe good people do live on this planet and those good people could actually love me! While T loved me, I believed that just maybe if I did leave my marriage that because I was worth something, because I mattered to T that meant I would be worth something and would matter to someone out there..... T gave me hope that I could be loved, really loved by someone. T loving me meant that I deserved to be loved better then how my husband loved me. T being with me meant that I was more then sex to a man and that meant I could be more then sex to someone else.... T just gave me hope that even if I didn't end up with T which I knew would not likely happen that somewhere out there another man like T existed...
But then T left, just like everyone else. Just like every SINGLE MAN in my life. No man has ever chosen to stay including my own father. No man has ever chosen to continue to love me beyond friendship (because I will admit that I do have a very good male friend who has stayed although I don't know why). No man has ever shown me that I mean more my body....
So... when T left, with him my hope left again and my world went dark. I could leave my marriage, but why? I have no reason to leave. My world is hopeless. One month ago today, I had so much hope.... my world was so bright. Today, I just feel so dark.
For over 13 years, I have been fighting, trying to keep my head above the darkness that swirls around me constantly, the darkness of all that I have faced, all that has happened.... for 13 years I have fought to keep some degree of hope that someday I will be free of it all.
Today, today....I realize that I am done fighting. I am too tired. It wins. The world wins. I won't do it anymore. None of you know what it is like. It is over. No more hope, no more light, no more trying.... I am letting go. I give up. (No-not suicidal)
I know you've got the best intentions
Just trying to find the right words to say
I promise, I've already learned my lesson
But right now I wanna be not okay
I'm so tired, sitting here waiting
If I hear one more "Just be patient"
It's always gonna stay the same
So let me just give up
So let me just let go
If this isn't good for me
Well I don't wanna know
Let me just stop trying
Let me just stop fighting
I don't want your good advice
Or reasons why I'm alright
You don't know what it's like
You don't know what it's like
Can't stop these feet from sinking
And it's starting to show on me
You're staring while I'm blinking
But just don't tell me what you see
I'm so over all this bad luck
Hearing one more "Keep your head up"
Is it ever gonna change?
So let me just give up
So let me just let go
If this isn't good for me
Well I don't wanna know
Let me just stop trying
Let me just stop fighting
I don't want your good advice
Or reasons why I'm alright
You don't know what it's like
Yeah, you don't know what it's like
Don't look at me like that
Just like you understand
Don't try to pull me back
Let me just give up
Let me just let go
If this isn't good for me
Well I don't wanna know
Let me just stop trying
Let me just stop fighting
I don't want your good advice
Or reasons why I'm alright
You don't know what it's like
Yeah, you don't know what it's like
You don't know
You don't know
You don't know
Yeah, you don't know what it's like
You don't know what it's like
Yeah, You don't know
You don't know
You don't know what it's like
Yeah, you don't know what it's like
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7a28XA9osvE&list=RDwInJlp8rviw&index=2