(no subject)
It's almost here--The Year 2008. I feel lost. I feel more empathy towards myself than anyone else, and that's just not the person that I am. I'm always so empathetic to those around me. Am I being conceited? Self absorbed? Or am I finally coming to the realization that I need to work on me now? I'd like to think the last one fits my situation more than any. My entire adult life I've been there to help others, listen to their problems, give the best advice that I can. Where, I ask now, is the advice and guidance that *I* need? Reaching out for help is very abnormal for a girl like me. It's just not something I can find within myself to do! Although, quite often, there are times that I wish I could just say fuck it and reach out for that much needed help. Instead I sit alone with my thoughts and my own advice. I guess that in some cases, this could be dangerous, but so far it hasn't caused much noticeable damage. I'm my own worst enemy, but at times I can be my own best friend. I can be my best listener, but in that case it tends to be difficult to tell myself to shut the fuck up. ;)
I consider myself to be a very strong and independent woman. I hate breaking down and showing such a frail state of being. I feel as if the strength I've portrayed for all of these years will diminish and I will be looked down upon, be looked at as weak, and unable to help myself. I know, that's ridiculous to even say, but nothing can stop those feelings. I am so against "caring" what others think of me. In MOST aspects. I'm so wild, abrasive, and self motivated. A lot of times people will look down on my self proclaimed QUALITIES. But me? Well I could care less. I do have those special individuals that I let loose on (those poor souls). They feel the wrath of hundreds of pounds of drama that have just been collecting and waiting to be unleashed. And these few handle it very well. And give the best possible advice. These people will never know the appreciation I have for them. I hold them all on a pedestal.
Lately it seems every man I lay eyes on looks like someone I could "settle down with" WTF? This is so completely off track. Maybe it's the season, maybe subconsciously my mind is telling me that the time has come. But physically I don't feel as if I'm ready. I have too much attraction to too many men! That's not fair to myself or any of the victims that fall into my trap. There are nights when I'm sitting home alone, wondering what it would be like to have someone sitting there with me, snuggling, talking, laughing, and just enjoying one another's company. Sure, it'd be nice. I would LOVE it. My only problem is deciding who's company, who's compassion, who's personality would fit me and my ways of life. Everyone always tells you that in a "perfect relationship" neither person would have to change anything about themselves. But thinking logically...I mean, look at my life! I'm an excessive drinker, I spend immence amounts of time with my friends, I love the bars, I'm not conservative in any way what so ever, and I'm a huge flirt. Now in all honesty, what man is going to look at those things as qualities in a woman? Someone just like me??? Not freaking likely! I mean, what kind of man is going to be impressed by a girl like me? A nice rack and a spunky personality only goes so far people! ;) I'll just keep hoping for a man that at least comes close to the traits that I have. One day maybe ;) I'm in no hurry....obviously!
I find myself missing the loved ones that I've lost over the past few years more and more each day. I miss their faces, their voices, their presence. The warmth that each one of them gave me when I would see their faces, hear their voices, or just feel their energy surrounding me. I make point to acknowledge them every day. To send them my love. To praise them for the blessing they were to me and always will be. I know they are aware of the effect they had on me and my life. The people they were and are helped mold me into the person that I am today. I take pride in knowing each and every one of them. I know in time I will see them all again. And that time will be the most glorious moment ever experienced. I miss them terribly. At times it hurts. If only they were here to turn to, to talk to, and to love unconditionally the way I was once able to do. As I close this entry, I give you these words, I love you, and always will. You are missed and I am blessed. Thank you.
"When you have everything, you have everything to lose" -Ben Harper (Diamonds on the Inside)
Long entry...don't read if you don't wanna!! :p
I consider myself to be a very strong and independent woman. I hate breaking down and showing such a frail state of being. I feel as if the strength I've portrayed for all of these years will diminish and I will be looked down upon, be looked at as weak, and unable to help myself. I know, that's ridiculous to even say, but nothing can stop those feelings. I am so against "caring" what others think of me. In MOST aspects. I'm so wild, abrasive, and self motivated. A lot of times people will look down on my self proclaimed QUALITIES. But me? Well I could care less. I do have those special individuals that I let loose on (those poor souls). They feel the wrath of hundreds of pounds of drama that have just been collecting and waiting to be unleashed. And these few handle it very well. And give the best possible advice. These people will never know the appreciation I have for them. I hold them all on a pedestal.
Lately it seems every man I lay eyes on looks like someone I could "settle down with" WTF? This is so completely off track. Maybe it's the season, maybe subconsciously my mind is telling me that the time has come. But physically I don't feel as if I'm ready. I have too much attraction to too many men! That's not fair to myself or any of the victims that fall into my trap. There are nights when I'm sitting home alone, wondering what it would be like to have someone sitting there with me, snuggling, talking, laughing, and just enjoying one another's company. Sure, it'd be nice. I would LOVE it. My only problem is deciding who's company, who's compassion, who's personality would fit me and my ways of life. Everyone always tells you that in a "perfect relationship" neither person would have to change anything about themselves. But thinking logically...I mean, look at my life! I'm an excessive drinker, I spend immence amounts of time with my friends, I love the bars, I'm not conservative in any way what so ever, and I'm a huge flirt. Now in all honesty, what man is going to look at those things as qualities in a woman? Someone just like me??? Not freaking likely! I mean, what kind of man is going to be impressed by a girl like me? A nice rack and a spunky personality only goes so far people! ;) I'll just keep hoping for a man that at least comes close to the traits that I have. One day maybe ;) I'm in no hurry....obviously!
I find myself missing the loved ones that I've lost over the past few years more and more each day. I miss their faces, their voices, their presence. The warmth that each one of them gave me when I would see their faces, hear their voices, or just feel their energy surrounding me. I make point to acknowledge them every day. To send them my love. To praise them for the blessing they were to me and always will be. I know they are aware of the effect they had on me and my life. The people they were and are helped mold me into the person that I am today. I take pride in knowing each and every one of them. I know in time I will see them all again. And that time will be the most glorious moment ever experienced. I miss them terribly. At times it hurts. If only they were here to turn to, to talk to, and to love unconditionally the way I was once able to do. As I close this entry, I give you these words, I love you, and always will. You are missed and I am blessed. Thank you.
"When you have everything, you have everything to lose" -Ben Harper (Diamonds on the Inside)
Long entry...don't read if you don't wanna!! :p