Let them know you realize
I've let this journal become more about being read than being written. Every time I think about writing something, I write it as if people are going to be reading it. Which they are. And that's not what the problem is. The problem is that I've started to conceptualize entries for an audience. I've started to exist for an audience. That's why I never write anything in here anymore. It's exhausting. I feel like I am nothing but my projections of my own opinions of myself onto other people. And the fear that causes.
And I feel like that's a part of my problem lately - I don't see other people as people to connect with, I see them as my own personal judgment panel. I'm isolating myself. Whenever I begin to care a lot about somebody, I clutch onto them, so scared of losing them that I will decide what they want from me and judge myself against that vision.
I don't like to use the word codependent, especially in reference to myself, I hate to label myself something because that means it's real. Or I think it's real. Or something. But I'm pretty sure that's part of what's wrong with me. And I'm addicted to guilt. In every major relationship I get into, I become fixated on something I feel guilty about, whether it's valid or not. I become convinced that I'm a horrible person and don't deserve to be in a relationship at all. I'm pretty sure I feel guilty just to be alive, so I find something to focus that guilt on, and it takes so much out of me.
Some books have helped me pinpoint and understand some of the bizarre ways I behave when I'm in a serious relationship, and I'm optimistic about being more aware of myself and my real emotions. Awareness is really the goal - awareness of yourself and your attitude and all the things you surround yourself with that affect you. I get so confused when I'm in relationships, because I start to put more value on the opinions/well-being of my partner than on my own. I don't listen to myself. I don't trust myself. I start to think I'm going crazy.
For whatever reason I started thinking about that time - right after I got dumped by my entire clique and started dating Brandon - when I completely believed I had it all figured out. Because I had truly learned to detach. That seemed really fucking great at first. But all I was doing was burying things down and planting seeds that would develop into these huge, inescapable issues.
Charky is being so cute and cuddly today. Probably because I caught her pooping on the floor this morning.
And I feel like that's a part of my problem lately - I don't see other people as people to connect with, I see them as my own personal judgment panel. I'm isolating myself. Whenever I begin to care a lot about somebody, I clutch onto them, so scared of losing them that I will decide what they want from me and judge myself against that vision.
I don't like to use the word codependent, especially in reference to myself, I hate to label myself something because that means it's real. Or I think it's real. Or something. But I'm pretty sure that's part of what's wrong with me. And I'm addicted to guilt. In every major relationship I get into, I become fixated on something I feel guilty about, whether it's valid or not. I become convinced that I'm a horrible person and don't deserve to be in a relationship at all. I'm pretty sure I feel guilty just to be alive, so I find something to focus that guilt on, and it takes so much out of me.
Some books have helped me pinpoint and understand some of the bizarre ways I behave when I'm in a serious relationship, and I'm optimistic about being more aware of myself and my real emotions. Awareness is really the goal - awareness of yourself and your attitude and all the things you surround yourself with that affect you. I get so confused when I'm in relationships, because I start to put more value on the opinions/well-being of my partner than on my own. I don't listen to myself. I don't trust myself. I start to think I'm going crazy.
For whatever reason I started thinking about that time - right after I got dumped by my entire clique and started dating Brandon - when I completely believed I had it all figured out. Because I had truly learned to detach. That seemed really fucking great at first. But all I was doing was burying things down and planting seeds that would develop into these huge, inescapable issues.
Charky is being so cute and cuddly today. Probably because I caught her pooping on the floor this morning.