The (Let's Not Even Lie About It Being Easy) Acceptance Of Apologies
Or: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Bomb
(I couldn't think of a better subtitle, so I went for the nerdy.)
1. Communicate your hurt as soon as you feel possible, without being detrimental to yourself. Do so in the most respectful manner you can. Use "I" statements, like "I feel", instead of "You did this." Being hurt and being level-headed do not necessarily equate in many situations, so if needed be willing to give yourself time before the discussion. Ask yourself, "Did they mean to do this?" and respond appropriately. Most people hurt others out of ignorance, not malicious intent.
2. Realize that what you're feeling may not be entirely hinged on the other person's actions. Take time to think about it: was something else brought up, something that isn't really related to what took place but in fact was triggered by it? Own your reactions and the place that they come from. Be honest with the person who hurt you, and tell them if this is the case. In the thick of things it is exceptionally difficult to judge where our emotions are actually originating, and it's easy to pin everything on the person who hurt you regardless of whether they truly deserve it. Emotions may continue to unfold and unfold some more, and your feelings of pain may touch on things you never expected.
3. If the other party feels real remorse, they will make strides to try to correct it. Accept those actions and try to let go of the hurt feelings. It takes a long time to rebuild trust depending on the depth of the wound, but usually relationships are salvageable. After all, this person is in your life because on some level you connected well. But, if the other party does not make strides to correct it... be true to yourself, and ask if the hurt is something you're willing to live with; you have to determine if the answer to that question is "no". If you are feeling disrespected and unheard, you have the right to walk away from the situation. But be willing to look past your own pain if the other person sincerely apologizes and changes their behavior.
And the should-be-unspoken-but-often-needs-to-be-said addendum to THIS particular set of rules is, "Don't use your feelings of hurt to try to hurt them in return." It's not a pissing match, it's a relationship.
Your pain is not something that anyone but you can feel. You have the right to be acknowledged and held in regard, but you also have the responsibility to communicate and be self-aware. No situation is one-sided. There are no victims or bad guys (unless you truly ARE the victim of abuse, then you should ponder Point #3) but hurt feelings are usually the result of lack-of-information and misunderstandings. It's not easy to look past the sadness, confusion, hurt, anger, and feelings of disregard because those are what's REAL to us. Those are completely and utterly valid feelings, but ask yourself if they are in proportion to the situation.
None of this is instinctual or easy; to say so would be a flat-out lie. Being hurt is a terrible, visceral thing that none of us would wish on ourselves or our friends. It's completely against the nature of being hurt to view it logically, but you owe it to yourself and the health of your relationships to do the best you can, just as the other person owes it to themselves and the situation to do so as well. Take time, be true to your emotional reality, and be willing to forgive when presented with remorse and reparations.
Also, be utterly and totally prepared to offer apologies of your own.
This post brought to you by the fact that, even though I try to live these principles in my life, quite often I fuck up and sometimes I really need to be reminded of them. I think we all do.
(I couldn't think of a better subtitle, so I went for the nerdy.)
1. Communicate your hurt as soon as you feel possible, without being detrimental to yourself. Do so in the most respectful manner you can. Use "I" statements, like "I feel", instead of "You did this." Being hurt and being level-headed do not necessarily equate in many situations, so if needed be willing to give yourself time before the discussion. Ask yourself, "Did they mean to do this?" and respond appropriately. Most people hurt others out of ignorance, not malicious intent.
2. Realize that what you're feeling may not be entirely hinged on the other person's actions. Take time to think about it: was something else brought up, something that isn't really related to what took place but in fact was triggered by it? Own your reactions and the place that they come from. Be honest with the person who hurt you, and tell them if this is the case. In the thick of things it is exceptionally difficult to judge where our emotions are actually originating, and it's easy to pin everything on the person who hurt you regardless of whether they truly deserve it. Emotions may continue to unfold and unfold some more, and your feelings of pain may touch on things you never expected.
3. If the other party feels real remorse, they will make strides to try to correct it. Accept those actions and try to let go of the hurt feelings. It takes a long time to rebuild trust depending on the depth of the wound, but usually relationships are salvageable. After all, this person is in your life because on some level you connected well. But, if the other party does not make strides to correct it... be true to yourself, and ask if the hurt is something you're willing to live with; you have to determine if the answer to that question is "no". If you are feeling disrespected and unheard, you have the right to walk away from the situation. But be willing to look past your own pain if the other person sincerely apologizes and changes their behavior.
And the should-be-unspoken-but-often-needs-to-be-said addendum to THIS particular set of rules is, "Don't use your feelings of hurt to try to hurt them in return." It's not a pissing match, it's a relationship.
Your pain is not something that anyone but you can feel. You have the right to be acknowledged and held in regard, but you also have the responsibility to communicate and be self-aware. No situation is one-sided. There are no victims or bad guys (unless you truly ARE the victim of abuse, then you should ponder Point #3) but hurt feelings are usually the result of lack-of-information and misunderstandings. It's not easy to look past the sadness, confusion, hurt, anger, and feelings of disregard because those are what's REAL to us. Those are completely and utterly valid feelings, but ask yourself if they are in proportion to the situation.
None of this is instinctual or easy; to say so would be a flat-out lie. Being hurt is a terrible, visceral thing that none of us would wish on ourselves or our friends. It's completely against the nature of being hurt to view it logically, but you owe it to yourself and the health of your relationships to do the best you can, just as the other person owes it to themselves and the situation to do so as well. Take time, be true to your emotional reality, and be willing to forgive when presented with remorse and reparations.
Also, be utterly and totally prepared to offer apologies of your own.
This post brought to you by the fact that, even though I try to live these principles in my life, quite often I fuck up and sometimes I really need to be reminded of them. I think we all do.