How To Apologize, In Three Easy Steps
Of course, the "easy" part of the title is a lie.
1. Acknowledge there is a problem. Understand that even if you do not believe that something you did or said was hurtful, the other person does. To disregard this feeling is to disregard the other person entirely. If you are confused about what was hurtful, ask. Any reasonable person will tell you. Accept what you're told, regardless of whether you think the hurt -itself- is reasonable or not. We all have baggage, cloudy pasts and triggers. Respect them and the feelings they produce.
2. Take ownership of the part you played. Saying, "I don't know what I did wrong" or "I didn't do anything wrong" doesn't help fix the core issue. It's not a matter of wrong or right, it's a matter of learning about ourselves and the people we interact with. Feel free to explain your side of the issues, but avoid the above excuses; they shut down all hopes of further communication by, again, disregarding the other person's feelings.
3. Change the offending behavior. Some might call this "making amends" but to me that sounds like something you do just to get the other person off your back. Instead, internalize. If you do not feel that you can change the behavior, then recognize that the other person will often continue to be hurt by it and then be prepared for eventual consequences in your relationship with that person. Don't expect them to "just get over it." See Point 1 RE: disregarding someone else's feelings. And perhaps most important, Change the behavior because you value the other person.
And, I guess, an addendum to all of the above is... do not make an apology simply because you think it's "a thing you have to do". Perhaps that -should- be an unspoken rule, but quite often, sadly, it needs saying.
Saying "I'm sorry" means nothing without the actions to back it up. Saying "I'm sorry" and continuing the hurtful behavior is akin to saying, "I'm sorry that you feel that way, but fuck you. Deal with it." That's not being sorry, that's being abusive. If you genuinely think that you should -not- be sorry... you still should. Being aware of how our behavior affects the others around us is, in my opinion (and of course, this whole thing is just my opinion) the heart of our humanity: Empathy.
If you're in a situation where someone is hurt (and we will assume that they're not being "hurt" to exert some sort of control over you, but they are being true and genuine) then take a step back and ask, "What would -I- like to have happen if -I- was the one feeling hurt?" Then, do those things.
This post brought to you by the guy who used to beat the living shit out of me and then an hour later come into my room crying, saying he "was sorry and that he would never do it again"... then a day later beat the living shit out of me. Actions always speak louder than words.
1. Acknowledge there is a problem. Understand that even if you do not believe that something you did or said was hurtful, the other person does. To disregard this feeling is to disregard the other person entirely. If you are confused about what was hurtful, ask. Any reasonable person will tell you. Accept what you're told, regardless of whether you think the hurt -itself- is reasonable or not. We all have baggage, cloudy pasts and triggers. Respect them and the feelings they produce.
2. Take ownership of the part you played. Saying, "I don't know what I did wrong" or "I didn't do anything wrong" doesn't help fix the core issue. It's not a matter of wrong or right, it's a matter of learning about ourselves and the people we interact with. Feel free to explain your side of the issues, but avoid the above excuses; they shut down all hopes of further communication by, again, disregarding the other person's feelings.
3. Change the offending behavior. Some might call this "making amends" but to me that sounds like something you do just to get the other person off your back. Instead, internalize. If you do not feel that you can change the behavior, then recognize that the other person will often continue to be hurt by it and then be prepared for eventual consequences in your relationship with that person. Don't expect them to "just get over it." See Point 1 RE: disregarding someone else's feelings. And perhaps most important, Change the behavior because you value the other person.
And, I guess, an addendum to all of the above is... do not make an apology simply because you think it's "a thing you have to do". Perhaps that -should- be an unspoken rule, but quite often, sadly, it needs saying.
Saying "I'm sorry" means nothing without the actions to back it up. Saying "I'm sorry" and continuing the hurtful behavior is akin to saying, "I'm sorry that you feel that way, but fuck you. Deal with it." That's not being sorry, that's being abusive. If you genuinely think that you should -not- be sorry... you still should. Being aware of how our behavior affects the others around us is, in my opinion (and of course, this whole thing is just my opinion) the heart of our humanity: Empathy.
If you're in a situation where someone is hurt (and we will assume that they're not being "hurt" to exert some sort of control over you, but they are being true and genuine) then take a step back and ask, "What would -I- like to have happen if -I- was the one feeling hurt?" Then, do those things.
This post brought to you by the guy who used to beat the living shit out of me and then an hour later come into my room crying, saying he "was sorry and that he would never do it again"... then a day later beat the living shit out of me. Actions always speak louder than words.