Crash
I had a total Crash moment just now. You know the movie Crash? That movie really hit a nerve. So today I'm driving home in my cheap-ass Toyota Tercel, trying to make it up this hill in a line of traffic with my stick shift, when this other hecka beat up car guns its engine, drives up next to me, and then almost pulls in front of me into this intersection that we just got to, even though the car in front of me has barely crossed. It's a two-way street, by the way, with only ONE lane going our way. So I glare at the people in the car and they let me go next. Then they follow me screeching across the intersection, through the next corner, and pull up next to me, screaming, "Do you got a problem? I have a gun in my car, you white bitch." Yes, they were black. Three angry black women, the passenger screaming with those freaky blue contacts, screaming and threatening. I drive on, make my turn, turn again, and they keep following me, screaming. "You Honkey White Bitch, I"ma fuck you up." I turn. Look for a parking place. Look for that beat up car. Try to decide if it's safe to stop in my own neighborhood, on my own corner or if my car is going to get fire-bombed or worse.
They pull up again, as I'm parking. Roll down the window. Scream. The driver tells me she has a gun in her car again, the passenger asks again if I have a problem. That I better stop looking at her like that, get that glare off my face. What to do? I roll down my window like a dumbass, and she asks again if I have a problem, fucking white bitch...I think she said that about 20 times. I say I didn't have a problem until you came along. Stupid thing to say. Do I want to get killed? I almost make myself laugh, if it wasn't so likely that the driver might actually pull that gun out of her car and shoot me. She probably doesn't really have a gun, right? She asks me why I looked at them like that, tells me to get that ugly look off my face, and I say, "Do you feel better now? Now that you've had a chance to yell at me?" Why did I say this? I don't know. She says hell yeah, I feel better, you white bitch, and drives off. Should I leave my car there, right on the corner, so easy for them to come back to and fuck up? Where the fuck else am I going to park it? I live on this fucking corner, it's not like I'm going far. Why didn't I write down their license plate number? How the hell am I going to unload the four bags of groceries I have from the trunk if I feel like someone might speed back around the corner and run me over.
What the fuck? I mean my job is bad enough. I have thirteen-year-olds acting like assholes telling me I'm mean because they have to do some work. I tip-toe around their egos and explosive personalities so I don't have to deal with their rage and frustration. When I told this kid, yes, he's black, by the way, that I would call home, he said he lives in a foster home...blurts it out like it changes the fact that I'm calling home. What does he expect me to say, does he expect me to say, oh, well then I guess I can't call? Why does the tallest, blackest looking boy at our school have to be such a mess? Can't anyone fucking defy fucking racist stereotypes? It's so frustrating. I know AmeriKKKa is racist and fucked up. But guess what?! I'm not going around calling people a bunch of bullshit names or threatening them for no reason. Is it so much to expect to make it through the day with noone fucking calling you a white bitch or saying they hate being in your class? There it is RACE always under the surface, never being dealt with in a productive way. At least in D.C., there were black people of all classes, I worked with black people, the community wasn't completely destroyed like it seems here. There are no black teachers at my school, and most of the black people I see on a daily basis are hanging out in front of the pot club or the crack house on the corner. Fuck. I'm so sick of it here. I'm so sick of the bullshit. I'm so sick of segregation and poverty and racism and rage. I choose to be on the front lines at my job and in my neighborhood, but sometimes the battle is fucking meaningless bullshit, and I am so sick of bearing the brunt of other people's anger and mistakes.
They pull up again, as I'm parking. Roll down the window. Scream. The driver tells me she has a gun in her car again, the passenger asks again if I have a problem. That I better stop looking at her like that, get that glare off my face. What to do? I roll down my window like a dumbass, and she asks again if I have a problem, fucking white bitch...I think she said that about 20 times. I say I didn't have a problem until you came along. Stupid thing to say. Do I want to get killed? I almost make myself laugh, if it wasn't so likely that the driver might actually pull that gun out of her car and shoot me. She probably doesn't really have a gun, right? She asks me why I looked at them like that, tells me to get that ugly look off my face, and I say, "Do you feel better now? Now that you've had a chance to yell at me?" Why did I say this? I don't know. She says hell yeah, I feel better, you white bitch, and drives off. Should I leave my car there, right on the corner, so easy for them to come back to and fuck up? Where the fuck else am I going to park it? I live on this fucking corner, it's not like I'm going far. Why didn't I write down their license plate number? How the hell am I going to unload the four bags of groceries I have from the trunk if I feel like someone might speed back around the corner and run me over.
What the fuck? I mean my job is bad enough. I have thirteen-year-olds acting like assholes telling me I'm mean because they have to do some work. I tip-toe around their egos and explosive personalities so I don't have to deal with their rage and frustration. When I told this kid, yes, he's black, by the way, that I would call home, he said he lives in a foster home...blurts it out like it changes the fact that I'm calling home. What does he expect me to say, does he expect me to say, oh, well then I guess I can't call? Why does the tallest, blackest looking boy at our school have to be such a mess? Can't anyone fucking defy fucking racist stereotypes? It's so frustrating. I know AmeriKKKa is racist and fucked up. But guess what?! I'm not going around calling people a bunch of bullshit names or threatening them for no reason. Is it so much to expect to make it through the day with noone fucking calling you a white bitch or saying they hate being in your class? There it is RACE always under the surface, never being dealt with in a productive way. At least in D.C., there were black people of all classes, I worked with black people, the community wasn't completely destroyed like it seems here. There are no black teachers at my school, and most of the black people I see on a daily basis are hanging out in front of the pot club or the crack house on the corner. Fuck. I'm so sick of it here. I'm so sick of the bullshit. I'm so sick of segregation and poverty and racism and rage. I choose to be on the front lines at my job and in my neighborhood, but sometimes the battle is fucking meaningless bullshit, and I am so sick of bearing the brunt of other people's anger and mistakes.