Funny DH summary
This is a highly amusing and rather detailed summary of Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows.
Meanwhile, Harry finds himself having waking dreams about Voldemort, the connection between their minds becoming stronger once more. Luckily for Harry, he only ever glimpses important, plot advancing events, and never anything mundane like Voldie sitting on the toilet, or having breakfast.
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Harry and Hermione spend many more pages wandering the countryside, pausing occasionally to mail out videotapes of Harry, now with a bushy long beard and sitting in mountain meadows, threatening the Great Satan Voldemort if he does not withdraw his troops from Diagon Alley. Hermione insists they make a bunch of these videos, all containing non-specific rants, so they can continue to send them out even if Harry dies in a cave somewhere never to be found. But they needn't worry, because Voldemort has pretty much given up looking for them and is busy sending mudbloods to Azkaghraib and plotting the invasion of Iraq. Okay, maybe that last part isn't accurate.
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Harry [re: Hermione]: She's like a sister to me. I think of her like you think of Ginny. And I think of Ginny like you think of Hermione.
Ron: You sonuvabitch!
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Ron: Harry, are you thinking what I'm thinking?
Harry: Yes, Ron, but where are we going to hang a nargle-infested sprig of mistletoe over Voldemort?
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Bellatrix: Then we should summon the Dark Lord. He will be most pleased with me. Perhaps he'll let me do that thing where I put a marshmallow in his--
Suddenly Bellatrix turned bright crimson. Harry realized there were many things he still didn't understand about the wizarding world.
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Lupin: Yeah, if we die in this war, someone has to look after Teddy. Who better than a 17 year old boy who's living in the woods, on the run from the entire magical government?
----------------
Aberforth: Where is Dobby anyway?
Ron: You shouldn't've sent him out with a red shirt on.
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Hermione [to Neville]: Yeah, it's a shame You-Know-Who decided Harry was the subject of the prophesy, because you'd make a much better hero to this series. All this time people have been stuck reading about us camping in the woods and wiping our asses with leaves, while you've been here doing interesting stuff.
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Snape: Professor, what are you doing out of bed at this hour?
McGonagall: As a matter of fact, I was just on my way to find you and layeth the smack down upon your ass.
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Harry: Neither of you speak parseltongue.
Ron: No, but I've heard you do it, so I imitated the sounds you made to the sink in Moaning Myrtle's bathroom.
Harry: And it worked? That makes no sense. And how did you get out? Last time we had to use Fawkes to carry us. And wasn't the tunnel caved-in?
Ron: Look, mate, there are only about 125 pages left. Do you really want to spend twenty of them helping us get into the Chamber and extract teeth? Just let it go and pretend it makes sense.
----------------------
Lucius: My Lord, you know how incompetent your Death Eaters are.
Voldemort: They're more competent now than in the previous volumes, thanks to my killing everyone who's an egregious screw-up.
-----------------------
Voldemort: Brave fighters of Hogwarts, I do not wish to spill blood that doesn't need to. Therefore I shall withdraw my Death Eaters for one hour. Potter, if you don't want more of your friends to die, I suggest you come out and face. I'll be in the Forbidden Forest.... No Lucius, I told you a Big Mac, hold the pickles. Does this look like they held the pickles? I don't care what the clerk says, they can damn well hold the bloody pickles! Pick them off? No, their juice will still be on the burger, mixed into the special sauce. Just go back and tell them to get the order right this time. What Yaxley? Still on? Oh. You have one hour, Potter! That is all.
----------------
Harry sees that Lupin and Tonks are among the dead.
Harry: Sonuva -- great, I drop out of school, and now I'm a single father. Thanks a lot, Lupin. Way to be.
---------------
[In the Pensieve] Harry does a double-take -- there's no way a nine year old boy should sound like Alan Rickman.
----------------
Harry: Is it painful to die?
Sirius: Not at all. 'Course I just fell through some curtains, which now that I think of it is probably the most suck-ass death in this entire series.
---------------
Harry marches straight into the Death Eaters' camp and reveals himself to Voldemort.
Lucius: About damn time! He won't let us have any pizza until your dead. It's probably cold by now anyway.
-----------------
Seamus: Harry, we thought you were dead!
Harry: I was. I got better.
------------------
Voldemort: So, it comes down to this, at last. A duel between us. But there is something you should kno--
Harry: STFU! I'm sick and tired of this shit. Every freakin' book I face you, and you give some long-ass speech about what a cool bad-ass you are, then after I defeat you, I have to listen to Dumbledore give another speech about why I was able to defeat you. Even after he's dead, Dumbledore shows up and gives me one.
-----------------
[After Harry's explanation about wand ownership, Snape and Draco and the Elder Wand]
Voldemort: Oh come on, you're just pulling this out of your ass.
Harry: Maybe I am, maybe I'm not. But I know what you're thinking -- you've used the killing curse on me twice, and it's failed both times. What's to make the third try any different.Well to tell you the truth, I'm not sure myself. But you've got to ask yourself one thing -- "Do I feel lucky?" Well, do ya, punk?
Meanwhile, Harry finds himself having waking dreams about Voldemort, the connection between their minds becoming stronger once more. Luckily for Harry, he only ever glimpses important, plot advancing events, and never anything mundane like Voldie sitting on the toilet, or having breakfast.
------------
Harry and Hermione spend many more pages wandering the countryside, pausing occasionally to mail out videotapes of Harry, now with a bushy long beard and sitting in mountain meadows, threatening the Great Satan Voldemort if he does not withdraw his troops from Diagon Alley. Hermione insists they make a bunch of these videos, all containing non-specific rants, so they can continue to send them out even if Harry dies in a cave somewhere never to be found. But they needn't worry, because Voldemort has pretty much given up looking for them and is busy sending mudbloods to Azkaghraib and plotting the invasion of Iraq. Okay, maybe that last part isn't accurate.
-------------
Harry [re: Hermione]: She's like a sister to me. I think of her like you think of Ginny. And I think of Ginny like you think of Hermione.
Ron: You sonuvabitch!
-----------------
Ron: Harry, are you thinking what I'm thinking?
Harry: Yes, Ron, but where are we going to hang a nargle-infested sprig of mistletoe over Voldemort?
-----------------
Bellatrix: Then we should summon the Dark Lord. He will be most pleased with me. Perhaps he'll let me do that thing where I put a marshmallow in his--
Suddenly Bellatrix turned bright crimson. Harry realized there were many things he still didn't understand about the wizarding world.
----------------
Lupin: Yeah, if we die in this war, someone has to look after Teddy. Who better than a 17 year old boy who's living in the woods, on the run from the entire magical government?
----------------
Aberforth: Where is Dobby anyway?
Ron: You shouldn't've sent him out with a red shirt on.
-----------------
Hermione [to Neville]: Yeah, it's a shame You-Know-Who decided Harry was the subject of the prophesy, because you'd make a much better hero to this series. All this time people have been stuck reading about us camping in the woods and wiping our asses with leaves, while you've been here doing interesting stuff.
-----------
Snape: Professor, what are you doing out of bed at this hour?
McGonagall: As a matter of fact, I was just on my way to find you and layeth the smack down upon your ass.
----------------
Harry: Neither of you speak parseltongue.
Ron: No, but I've heard you do it, so I imitated the sounds you made to the sink in Moaning Myrtle's bathroom.
Harry: And it worked? That makes no sense. And how did you get out? Last time we had to use Fawkes to carry us. And wasn't the tunnel caved-in?
Ron: Look, mate, there are only about 125 pages left. Do you really want to spend twenty of them helping us get into the Chamber and extract teeth? Just let it go and pretend it makes sense.
----------------------
Lucius: My Lord, you know how incompetent your Death Eaters are.
Voldemort: They're more competent now than in the previous volumes, thanks to my killing everyone who's an egregious screw-up.
-----------------------
Voldemort: Brave fighters of Hogwarts, I do not wish to spill blood that doesn't need to. Therefore I shall withdraw my Death Eaters for one hour. Potter, if you don't want more of your friends to die, I suggest you come out and face. I'll be in the Forbidden Forest.... No Lucius, I told you a Big Mac, hold the pickles. Does this look like they held the pickles? I don't care what the clerk says, they can damn well hold the bloody pickles! Pick them off? No, their juice will still be on the burger, mixed into the special sauce. Just go back and tell them to get the order right this time. What Yaxley? Still on? Oh. You have one hour, Potter! That is all.
----------------
Harry sees that Lupin and Tonks are among the dead.
Harry: Sonuva -- great, I drop out of school, and now I'm a single father. Thanks a lot, Lupin. Way to be.
---------------
[In the Pensieve] Harry does a double-take -- there's no way a nine year old boy should sound like Alan Rickman.
----------------
Harry: Is it painful to die?
Sirius: Not at all. 'Course I just fell through some curtains, which now that I think of it is probably the most suck-ass death in this entire series.
---------------
Harry marches straight into the Death Eaters' camp and reveals himself to Voldemort.
Lucius: About damn time! He won't let us have any pizza until your dead. It's probably cold by now anyway.
-----------------
Seamus: Harry, we thought you were dead!
Harry: I was. I got better.
------------------
Voldemort: So, it comes down to this, at last. A duel between us. But there is something you should kno--
Harry: STFU! I'm sick and tired of this shit. Every freakin' book I face you, and you give some long-ass speech about what a cool bad-ass you are, then after I defeat you, I have to listen to Dumbledore give another speech about why I was able to defeat you. Even after he's dead, Dumbledore shows up and gives me one.
-----------------
[After Harry's explanation about wand ownership, Snape and Draco and the Elder Wand]
Voldemort: Oh come on, you're just pulling this out of your ass.
Harry: Maybe I am, maybe I'm not. But I know what you're thinking -- you've used the killing curse on me twice, and it's failed both times. What's to make the third try any different.Well to tell you the truth, I'm not sure myself. But you've got to ask yourself one thing -- "Do I feel lucky?" Well, do ya, punk?