Dario Argento's abhorrent Phantom movie
Because it was the only version of PotO that was available at Family Video, I rented "Il Fantasma dell'opera," directed by Dario Argento. Apparently he's some big-shot Italian horror movie maker, and this is regarded as his most dismal failure ever. And I can see why. It was a mind-melting trainwreck of a film, with no redeeming qualities to speak of. Which of course makes it amusing to review, as I enjoy ranting about bad books and movies. And this one goes beyond bad into the total stinker category. >_<
Now for my stream-of-consciousness review as I watched this piece of horse flop...
This Phantom prefers random acts of violence toward various opera employees. Lovely. Including a charming incident in which the opera ratcatcher got his hand stuck in a mousetrap and rats swarmed in to eat his fingers off. How adorable. :-p
Christine is okay. No huge complaints. She's a brunette version. Her accent is sort of weird...part British and part French.
Raoul looks like Lucius Malfoy's bastard cousin. Not in a good way.
Madame Giry's modeled after Leroux's less-than-flattering description, but quite in-character.
But Carlotta--OMG, Carlotta! She's a cow! Totally hideous. Blue eyeshadow, and 300 lbs if she's an ounce. o_0 LOL!
Two random people I couldn't identify were just plotting to go looking for treasure in the opera catacombs, and then started to make out, giving the filmmakers an excuse to throw in frontal female nudity. Because nothing sells tickets like TEH BEWBIEZ!!1!OMGWTFLOL!!11 ;)
I guess Forsythe isn't the only person to give into the temptation of throwing in cameos of famous people. A certain M. Degas is sketching the dancers at the opera. Why not? Fft. I'm sure he's rolling in his proverbial grave to be associated with this trashy movie.
Now bewbiegirl and her lover are exploring the labrynth below the opera in search of this supposed treasure. Gee, like I don't see where this is going. *waves bye-bye to the stoopid people*
... Yep, there goes Alfred. Whoever he was. Impaled on a stalagmite. Because, you know, there are so many limestone cave formations underneath the Palais Garnier. And what of Paulette the bewbiegirl? She ran around making pathetic screaming, whining, crying, snivelling noises until the Phantom caught her and ripped her tounge out with his teeth. Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeew. Although...at least it shut her up. Geez, she was annoying. >_< She never showed up again so I'm guessing he killed her, but thankfully we didn't have to see it in any more nauseating detail.
WAIT a minute! Wait just a darn flippin' minute here! WHY the flying chips of bovine excrement isn't the Phantom wearing a mask? And WHY is his face NOT disfigured? What are they trying to pull here?
Official WTF moment... Phantom sitting on roof, imagining something that looks like Gollum's whole family being crushed in a giant mousetrap, then seeing a vision of Christine in the sky that looks like she took a night job as a stripper. Whiskey Tango Foxtrot? And the special effects were crap.
*blinks* NOW what? A nudist bar? A brothel? Um, it's a bunch of naked people of both sexes hanging out in a spa. Okaaaaaay. o_0 What does that have to do with anything? And who are these idiots fighting in the river? What the crap does this have to do with ANYTHING?
"Christine"--and I can only refer to her as that with quotation marks now, because this is so out-of-character--is there, making obscene faces at some guy with her tounge. WHAT in the WORLD?!?! o_0 Wait...is that Raoul? I thought Raoul was blonde in this. But the Phantom was also blonde...wait, was that supposed to be Erik in that other scene, when I thought it was Raoul? I is so confuse-ed!
*stops cassette and goes to IMDB*
Plot Outline: Gory remake of the Gaston Leroux classic story, only this time, the phantom is not disfigured, but a man who was raised by rats deep under the Paris Opera House.
*stares in horror*
Even "WTF?" doesn't begin to cover the wrongness of that.
And according to the site, Christine is the director's daughter. That just compounds the wrongness. "No, honey, you're not slutty enough! Grab your bosom! Yeah, just like that! Now lick your lips! Excellent! Cut, print!" o_0
*against better judgment, turns tape back on*
Now some guy is attempting to molest one of the little ballet girls. *pours bleach in eyes* Why did I turn this back on? Why?!
At least the Phantom killed him before he could squick me out any further.
As for the Phantom...yep, he's slightly creepy-looking but not at all disfigured. And he's got long blonde hair. So it was this guy I saw earlier and thought was Malfoy-reject!Raoul. Guess it's Malfoy-reject!Erik, instead. How the heck was I supposed to know that? I was silly enough to think that the Phantom would be wearing a mask! Silly me. What was I thinking? :-p
Honestly, WHAT is the point of making a movie and calling it "Phantom of the Opera" if the title character is normal-looking? I mean...gah! It defies all reason.
Geez, Erik just "paged" Christine (via ventriloquism?) and had her come to him in the cellars. Alone. Don't, like, escort her or anything. Lazy-ass Phantom.
And now a midget and another guy are...*blink*...driving a funky little car through the cellars that scoops up rats like the world's most demented streetsweeper. You know, I never really understood Leroux's flaming-headed ratcatcher, but I'd take him any day over this weirdness.
Oh goody, they flew off a cliff and died. Yay!
Now Christine's getting into the boat on the underground lake. By herself.
"Um, a little help over here? Does a girl have to do everything herself? Yeesh!"
And no one told her not to stand in a boat. Miraculously she rows to the other shore without tipping over.
At least the Phantom plays the organ. I was afraid they'd strip him of his musical talents, too. Not that the movie could really get any worse, regardless of what further canon-rape they commit.
"Sing, Christine! Sing for me!" quoth the Phantom.
"Geez, Erik, you made me walk all the way down here and row the damn boat all by myself, and now you want me to sing, too? Take, take, take, that's all you ever do!"
LOL! Of course she doesn't say that. But she should have. Instead she lipsyncs sings, swoons into his lap, and does the horizontal waltz with what's-his-(non-deformed)-face.
In the afterglow he tells her about how he was abandoned at birth and raised by rats, who he now views as his brothers. Instead of getting the hell out of there as any normal person would have done, she sighs dreamily and take a ring from him. Suuuuuure. (Not that canon!Christine is exactly 100% normal, either, but come ON!)
Oh crap, one of the ratcatchers is alive. Not the midget. The other one. Dang. And he's going all voyeur-ish on "Christine" and "Erik."
Christine plays Erik's pipe organ--note how I specified pipe organ to avoid any snickers. ;) That's actually a rather spiffy touch. One tiny glimmer of non-uber-suckiness in an otherwise horrid film.
In his quest to keep her from performing, the Phantom just bit Carlotta's ear, ripped open the front of her dress, and scratched long claw marks across her boob. I hate to keep repeating myself, but...WTF?!?! Making her sound like a frog is clever. This is icky and stupid.
At this point it seems utterly worthless to complain that the note to the managers is signed "P" instead of "O.G." and that Erik's handwriting is way too neat and flowery. At least they used red ink.
Aaaaaaaand then Erik rapes Christine. Nice.
And then goes into the other room and puts rats inside his clothes. Including his pants.
My finger is on the Stop button, but I can't quite tear myself away from the horror. Train wreck syndrome. o_0
Later the one surviving ratcatcher (the non-midget one) bursts onstage during Christine's performance to scream that he saw her and the Phantom "copulating" (his word) in the cellars. A horrified gasp arises from the crowd. The Phantom swings in, Tarzan-style, on a rope, and whisks her away. She freaks out, Raoul comes to rescue her, and the police shoot Erik about a zillion times until he falls into the lake. His ring falls off Christine's finger and into the lake, as well. The film (finally, mercifully) ends with a still of her tear-streaked face. The end.
The credits list a Jerome de Chagny. Who the hell was he? 0_o They list Raoul as a different actor, but I don't remember seeing a Jerome. *snicker* Why not?
All in all, the most dismally, absurdly, perversely horrible version of PotO that I've ever seen. The only redeeming qualities it had were a few pretty sets, the fact that they remembered Erik uses red ink, and one neat five-second shot of Christine playing the organ in the Phantom's lair. Everything else was twisted, horrible, pointless and stupid. Avoid this movie like the plague. Although I did get some decent laughs whilst mocking it, I also had my fair share of groans of disbelief and numbly shaking my head in disgust. A vile, souless film that should be dragged out into the street, shat upon by a horse, and then trampled to smithereens. And then someone should burn the smithereens.
Not that I have a strong opinion or anything. ;)
Now for my stream-of-consciousness review as I watched this piece of horse flop...
This Phantom prefers random acts of violence toward various opera employees. Lovely. Including a charming incident in which the opera ratcatcher got his hand stuck in a mousetrap and rats swarmed in to eat his fingers off. How adorable. :-p
Christine is okay. No huge complaints. She's a brunette version. Her accent is sort of weird...part British and part French.
Raoul looks like Lucius Malfoy's bastard cousin. Not in a good way.
Madame Giry's modeled after Leroux's less-than-flattering description, but quite in-character.
But Carlotta--OMG, Carlotta! She's a cow! Totally hideous. Blue eyeshadow, and 300 lbs if she's an ounce. o_0 LOL!
Two random people I couldn't identify were just plotting to go looking for treasure in the opera catacombs, and then started to make out, giving the filmmakers an excuse to throw in frontal female nudity. Because nothing sells tickets like TEH BEWBIEZ!!1!OMGWTFLOL!!11 ;)
I guess Forsythe isn't the only person to give into the temptation of throwing in cameos of famous people. A certain M. Degas is sketching the dancers at the opera. Why not? Fft. I'm sure he's rolling in his proverbial grave to be associated with this trashy movie.
Now bewbiegirl and her lover are exploring the labrynth below the opera in search of this supposed treasure. Gee, like I don't see where this is going. *waves bye-bye to the stoopid people*
... Yep, there goes Alfred. Whoever he was. Impaled on a stalagmite. Because, you know, there are so many limestone cave formations underneath the Palais Garnier. And what of Paulette the bewbiegirl? She ran around making pathetic screaming, whining, crying, snivelling noises until the Phantom caught her and ripped her tounge out with his teeth. Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeew. Although...at least it shut her up. Geez, she was annoying. >_< She never showed up again so I'm guessing he killed her, but thankfully we didn't have to see it in any more nauseating detail.
WAIT a minute! Wait just a darn flippin' minute here! WHY the flying chips of bovine excrement isn't the Phantom wearing a mask? And WHY is his face NOT disfigured? What are they trying to pull here?
Official WTF moment... Phantom sitting on roof, imagining something that looks like Gollum's whole family being crushed in a giant mousetrap, then seeing a vision of Christine in the sky that looks like she took a night job as a stripper. Whiskey Tango Foxtrot? And the special effects were crap.
*blinks* NOW what? A nudist bar? A brothel? Um, it's a bunch of naked people of both sexes hanging out in a spa. Okaaaaaay. o_0 What does that have to do with anything? And who are these idiots fighting in the river? What the crap does this have to do with ANYTHING?
"Christine"--and I can only refer to her as that with quotation marks now, because this is so out-of-character--is there, making obscene faces at some guy with her tounge. WHAT in the WORLD?!?! o_0 Wait...is that Raoul? I thought Raoul was blonde in this. But the Phantom was also blonde...wait, was that supposed to be Erik in that other scene, when I thought it was Raoul? I is so confuse-ed!
*stops cassette and goes to IMDB*
Plot Outline: Gory remake of the Gaston Leroux classic story, only this time, the phantom is not disfigured, but a man who was raised by rats deep under the Paris Opera House.
*stares in horror*
Even "WTF?" doesn't begin to cover the wrongness of that.
And according to the site, Christine is the director's daughter. That just compounds the wrongness. "No, honey, you're not slutty enough! Grab your bosom! Yeah, just like that! Now lick your lips! Excellent! Cut, print!" o_0
*against better judgment, turns tape back on*
Now some guy is attempting to molest one of the little ballet girls. *pours bleach in eyes* Why did I turn this back on? Why?!
At least the Phantom killed him before he could squick me out any further.
As for the Phantom...yep, he's slightly creepy-looking but not at all disfigured. And he's got long blonde hair. So it was this guy I saw earlier and thought was Malfoy-reject!Raoul. Guess it's Malfoy-reject!Erik, instead. How the heck was I supposed to know that? I was silly enough to think that the Phantom would be wearing a mask! Silly me. What was I thinking? :-p
Honestly, WHAT is the point of making a movie and calling it "Phantom of the Opera" if the title character is normal-looking? I mean...gah! It defies all reason.
Geez, Erik just "paged" Christine (via ventriloquism?) and had her come to him in the cellars. Alone. Don't, like, escort her or anything. Lazy-ass Phantom.
And now a midget and another guy are...*blink*...driving a funky little car through the cellars that scoops up rats like the world's most demented streetsweeper. You know, I never really understood Leroux's flaming-headed ratcatcher, but I'd take him any day over this weirdness.
Oh goody, they flew off a cliff and died. Yay!
Now Christine's getting into the boat on the underground lake. By herself.
"Um, a little help over here? Does a girl have to do everything herself? Yeesh!"
And no one told her not to stand in a boat. Miraculously she rows to the other shore without tipping over.
At least the Phantom plays the organ. I was afraid they'd strip him of his musical talents, too. Not that the movie could really get any worse, regardless of what further canon-rape they commit.
"Sing, Christine! Sing for me!" quoth the Phantom.
"Geez, Erik, you made me walk all the way down here and row the damn boat all by myself, and now you want me to sing, too? Take, take, take, that's all you ever do!"
LOL! Of course she doesn't say that. But she should have. Instead she lipsyncs sings, swoons into his lap, and does the horizontal waltz with what's-his-(non-deformed)-face.
In the afterglow he tells her about how he was abandoned at birth and raised by rats, who he now views as his brothers. Instead of getting the hell out of there as any normal person would have done, she sighs dreamily and take a ring from him. Suuuuuure. (Not that canon!Christine is exactly 100% normal, either, but come ON!)
Oh crap, one of the ratcatchers is alive. Not the midget. The other one. Dang. And he's going all voyeur-ish on "Christine" and "Erik."
Christine plays Erik's pipe organ--note how I specified pipe organ to avoid any snickers. ;) That's actually a rather spiffy touch. One tiny glimmer of non-uber-suckiness in an otherwise horrid film.
In his quest to keep her from performing, the Phantom just bit Carlotta's ear, ripped open the front of her dress, and scratched long claw marks across her boob. I hate to keep repeating myself, but...WTF?!?! Making her sound like a frog is clever. This is icky and stupid.
At this point it seems utterly worthless to complain that the note to the managers is signed "P" instead of "O.G." and that Erik's handwriting is way too neat and flowery. At least they used red ink.
Aaaaaaaand then Erik rapes Christine. Nice.
And then goes into the other room and puts rats inside his clothes. Including his pants.
My finger is on the Stop button, but I can't quite tear myself away from the horror. Train wreck syndrome. o_0
Later the one surviving ratcatcher (the non-midget one) bursts onstage during Christine's performance to scream that he saw her and the Phantom "copulating" (his word) in the cellars. A horrified gasp arises from the crowd. The Phantom swings in, Tarzan-style, on a rope, and whisks her away. She freaks out, Raoul comes to rescue her, and the police shoot Erik about a zillion times until he falls into the lake. His ring falls off Christine's finger and into the lake, as well. The film (finally, mercifully) ends with a still of her tear-streaked face. The end.
The credits list a Jerome de Chagny. Who the hell was he? 0_o They list Raoul as a different actor, but I don't remember seeing a Jerome. *snicker* Why not?
All in all, the most dismally, absurdly, perversely horrible version of PotO that I've ever seen. The only redeeming qualities it had were a few pretty sets, the fact that they remembered Erik uses red ink, and one neat five-second shot of Christine playing the organ in the Phantom's lair. Everything else was twisted, horrible, pointless and stupid. Avoid this movie like the plague. Although I did get some decent laughs whilst mocking it, I also had my fair share of groans of disbelief and numbly shaking my head in disgust. A vile, souless film that should be dragged out into the street, shat upon by a horse, and then trampled to smithereens. And then someone should burn the smithereens.
Not that I have a strong opinion or anything. ;)