Who am I? 24601!
Feeling a bit low and useless. unimportant and too important. all things and nothing. 5 of my kiddos will GRADUATE THIS YEAR! Some will move on to college. Others will continue to live at home and have a job. Sophie, the baby, has one more year of high school. She is supersmart and definitely needs to go to college. Probably st scholastica like her siblings. She is a brilliant mathematician. She will take college level precalc next year. While I am so proud of their accomplishments it has been a hard road to get here. There have been so many ups and downs. Being mom I have been here for them. I am very much in demand. and at the same time I feel very much useless as the kids need me less. I dont know where I fit in. I find myself lonely as when I do speak no one hears. They are all involved in something else, Phones, other conversations, tv, whatever. Yet when they want something they want it RIGHT NOW. I know I am going to miss my loves going off to college. Even though its just across town I wont see them every day like I do now. And those left behind at home are young people who need a lot of direction but dont want any of it. I am tired of butting my head against a wall. I want to go live my life my way for a change. But I dont. I dont even know what that means. who am I? I dont really have any close local friends I can call up. I dont really even have any close enough local acquaintances I can call up. My husband is involved in lots of things. I am involved in the greenhouse and the home and kids. and caring for my mom. We took the winter off from greenhouse but preparing to ramp that up again and that is time consuming. I feel at odds I guess with myself. I want to go and do and be and see and experience. but I can't. I am looking forward to snow melt when we can get the kayaks back in the water. That was one of our best investments. I love our kayak time. I love summer on the water. I have lived my life for so long for other people and what other people thought it should be. I dont regret having my kids but at the same time I didnt realise how hard it would be when they got older and still act like a young child. Andre and Ben are 19. Juno is 19 Maia is almost 19. Maia will go to college. The other 3? who knows. Bens favorite thing is still playing cars. He wants to grow up and do other grown up things and says he doesn't like playing cars but yet I see him doing it quite often. he loves to put a car on a rope or string and drag it around behind him like a puppy on string. Andre thinks he knows everything but basically knows nothing, and refuses to learn anything, or try anything other than what he has in mind that will work(even if it wont or doesnt) Juno is beautiful and sweet but doesnt really apply herself she spends a lot of effort avoiding work also. Andre will do certain things and steadfast refuses to help in any other way. even as someone is struggling he wont help. Juno is also self centered that way. with a bit of a princess complex. Thenthere are my older girls who are out on their own and calling me at all hours and talking forever about a problem and despite my attempts to help they choose exactly the opposite and get the results I said they would get but they are ok with that. So why am I putting out so much energy to watch them make the same mistakes over and over. definition of insanity. doing the same thing over and over expecting different results. I used to like to write. I started a book but it got lost. I started another book but life got busy and now I cant even remember who is who. I feel despite my efforts I am inadequate as a parent as a person as a citizen. Probably my grief and depression talking but what I feel right now nonetheless. Ethan swears he is never moving out. ever. Andre wants to move out and has no resources and expects he can do whatever he wants wherever and whenever he wants despite his inability to do most things safely and completely and having no money. So I feel stuck in this groundhogs day cycle. everything changes and yet nothing changes and I am still here trying to handle it all and never finding myself along the way. I have a degree in education. Yet I dont really care to be in the classroom. and I couldn't due to commitments here anyways. I dont know what I want. I just know I want to feel valued and I dont. this is a pattern for me. I do hobbies but they arent anything of value I feel. I made my daughter a scrapbook of her and boyfriend and spent money on a nice album to put it in and she gave it to him as a gift. I made it as a gift for her. so yeah she really loved it. I have made afghans for kids they have no value there either. moved out left it behind. shoved it in back of a closet never to be seen again. left it in a box at my house and havent bothered to take it home since christmas. I doubt anyone reads this and thats ok I just needed to do something and put my thoughts out on paper. well not exactly paper. its just a season. Ill keep telling myself that. Its just a hard season right now. soon it will be a new season. I hope.