(no subject)
It's 12:30 and she crawls into bed. To keep her thoughts off him, she picked up another job today. Amazingly, she was hired on the spot and asked to come in this evening! Atleast it was something to pass time rather than sitting at her house surrounded by people who wish she would just die. Her sister hates her now. Her parents haven't cared for her since she'd started high school 4 years ago. Atleast a second job keeps her busy, as well as makes her some extra money. Not that she needs it though. It all ends up getting saved away in some bank account. Secretly she wishes she had someone to spend that extra money on, but good things don't happen to her anymore. Let's face it, she'd put herself in a rut and can't get out. Not just yet anyway. It'll be months until she can finally get out of this town and live for herself for once.
She sat around with some friends after work. They hadn't hung out in ages, but it was just like it was yesterday. They spoke of the past...how much fun they used to have. All she could think about is how she'd let go of such awesome friends for a guy. Not that she hadn't done it before though...its the story of her life. New guy, waste away friendships. Of course the true friends always come back in the end...she just wondered how. She'd treated them awfully. Forgotten to return calls, always with the boy. Oh..the boy.
She's become a very weak person. One night in the summer she sat around with a couple of friends while her then boyfriend screamed at her on the phone. And she took it. One of them said, "The old Katie that I used to know would never take that from anybody." She knew he was right...she used to be so strong, so efficient. Like she didn't need anybody. But that was all such a cover up. From an outsider's perspective she was a strong woman. On the inside? She was vunerable. Attaching herself to anyone that gave her even the slighten support or seemed to care. Now she cries alone at night.
Is it that much to just want to love and be loved in return? Aparently it is. She's the type of girl that would give you the shirt off her back. She had such a big heart...now its just black. She wonders if she'll ever be the same. It seems now the only thing that will help is leaving this town. It just makes her wonder if she's running from her problems. It just all seems so perfect..leave this town, leave her old life and start fresh. She also wonders if that's even possible. With as much baggage as she carries who would want her now? But time heals all wounds right? It sure didn't seem like time healed her wounds last time. Then again, he came back. Tore those wounds right back open.
He has seemed to have forgotten about her...so why can't she just forget about him? She's torn up the pictures, removed everything she had from him. But that doesn't erase her mind. She knows she'd never take him back..not after the last time. Just to be close to him again...look in those eyes. They are like a drug. Crystal blue. Long eye lashes.
Enough, she says. Its day two without him and she's doing okay. She's found some new/old friends...gotten another job. Which just makes her wonder further if its all worth it in the end. School starts again for her on monday...depressing. Wasting gas back and forth to class each day when she doesn't even know what the hell she wants to do with her life. All her friends are away..and having so much fun. Semester..she tells herself..just wait until semester.
Then there is the guy at work...he's cute. Funny. Attractive. They'd make a great match...but she feels she's not good enough. For anybody. God...she's really let herself go. Part of her wants to change. Be a better person. The other part just wants to give up. Who cares right? She's an ILCC loser. She lives at home. Works two jobs just for something to do.
Looks as if its another near sleepless night. Her mind races thought to thought and just won't quit. Her stomach rumbles but food isn't what would cure the hunger. She knows what will...but that's so far out of reach right now....so far...
She sat around with some friends after work. They hadn't hung out in ages, but it was just like it was yesterday. They spoke of the past...how much fun they used to have. All she could think about is how she'd let go of such awesome friends for a guy. Not that she hadn't done it before though...its the story of her life. New guy, waste away friendships. Of course the true friends always come back in the end...she just wondered how. She'd treated them awfully. Forgotten to return calls, always with the boy. Oh..the boy.
She's become a very weak person. One night in the summer she sat around with a couple of friends while her then boyfriend screamed at her on the phone. And she took it. One of them said, "The old Katie that I used to know would never take that from anybody." She knew he was right...she used to be so strong, so efficient. Like she didn't need anybody. But that was all such a cover up. From an outsider's perspective she was a strong woman. On the inside? She was vunerable. Attaching herself to anyone that gave her even the slighten support or seemed to care. Now she cries alone at night.
Is it that much to just want to love and be loved in return? Aparently it is. She's the type of girl that would give you the shirt off her back. She had such a big heart...now its just black. She wonders if she'll ever be the same. It seems now the only thing that will help is leaving this town. It just makes her wonder if she's running from her problems. It just all seems so perfect..leave this town, leave her old life and start fresh. She also wonders if that's even possible. With as much baggage as she carries who would want her now? But time heals all wounds right? It sure didn't seem like time healed her wounds last time. Then again, he came back. Tore those wounds right back open.
He has seemed to have forgotten about her...so why can't she just forget about him? She's torn up the pictures, removed everything she had from him. But that doesn't erase her mind. She knows she'd never take him back..not after the last time. Just to be close to him again...look in those eyes. They are like a drug. Crystal blue. Long eye lashes.
Enough, she says. Its day two without him and she's doing okay. She's found some new/old friends...gotten another job. Which just makes her wonder further if its all worth it in the end. School starts again for her on monday...depressing. Wasting gas back and forth to class each day when she doesn't even know what the hell she wants to do with her life. All her friends are away..and having so much fun. Semester..she tells herself..just wait until semester.
Then there is the guy at work...he's cute. Funny. Attractive. They'd make a great match...but she feels she's not good enough. For anybody. God...she's really let herself go. Part of her wants to change. Be a better person. The other part just wants to give up. Who cares right? She's an ILCC loser. She lives at home. Works two jobs just for something to do.
Looks as if its another near sleepless night. Her mind races thought to thought and just won't quit. Her stomach rumbles but food isn't what would cure the hunger. She knows what will...but that's so far out of reach right now....so far...